Appreciate What You Have Even If It's Not Gone

Humans, as perfect we like to think we are, we share a flaw and that is greed. We want so much of what we can and can't have. Greed drives us to do what we do every day, some say it's determination or passion. Whatever you think it is, I think we can all agree that greed to an extent is bad because it makes us selfish and self-centered.

(It's amusing how I speak of it as though I'm not part of this "human" category but let's be honest, at some point, we've said "I hate people/humans", and we never associated ourselves with it even though we make up part of it.)

Maybe you don't realise this often but when bad things happen, the first person we point fingers at is everyone else except ourselves. When things are going perfectly fine, the first person we are concerned with is again, ourselves. It's an appalling attitude because it shows how self-centered we are that we only always do things for our own benefit.

We've all had arguments with our parents at least a couple of times. And every time it gets heated, the things that we say become cruel and displeasing to the other. It's as though the thought wasn't processed in our brains before we said them. All this we do because we care so much for our ego, the constant need to prove ourselves right. And when it's all over, we'll tell our friends how much of a bitch he or she was, never once stopping to reflect or even consider how he or she might have felt about the mean things we said. We're so consumed by ourselves we become so ignorant towards other people's feelings.

When we're confronted by it, we pull that self-centered attitude again, saying things like "I can't believe she said this to me, why did she say that to me." Me, me, me, me everything. Obnoxious? Yes.

And even in the toughest of times, we don't realise how fortunate we are. While we're shouting at our mothers over something stupid, there is someone out there who has no mother to argue with. When we cry ourselves to sleep because we think our lives are falling apart, someone out there is crying themselves to sleep on a street. When we complain about how crap university classes are, how often do we realise that someone out there, with the equal brain capacity is digging through garbage to find food. All we care about is if we are being entertained enough in class, never realising that education IS a privilege not many people can afford.

I've studied in Singapore and I know the education system there is not exactly enjoyable but I've only just realised how lucky I am to have studied in a country where the government cares so much for their next generation and it's future.

We're constantly blabbering about how we don't like this or that or how shit our lives are, when someone out there is struggling everyday just to survive. And that's not even to have a comfortable house to live in, they are battling to keep their hearts beating as long as they can.

And if you're thinking to yourself that this does not concern you then you are a selfish human being. Because it does concern you, and learning to be grateful for what you have concerns everyone.

There are much bigger problems in this world and I'm not saying yours isn't one. But I hope you understand that by looking at what other people go through, it puts your problem into perspective. It's not always about you, and for once, please think for someone else as well.

If those living in a third-world country can wake up with a smile, I'm sure we are all privileged to do so much more.

Someone out there would do anything to be right where you are at this moment. But because you can't share it with them, at the very least, learn to appreciate its value more and more every day.

Love,
K.W

Be Honest To Yourself

A favourite phrase of mine back in the past would be "I don't need anyone", because it was an excuse I told people when I felt lonely. I said that to convince them as well as myself that I could be independent without anyone's help. But who was I fooling, me and everyone I told that to knew it was a big fat lie.

The ugly truth was quite the opposite, something someone with a massive pride like myself would never admit to.  I always wanted and needed someone and I still do. But the only difference is, I'm not afraid to show it, because the truth of the matter is, everyone does need a someone.

This someone I speak of, is your everything but at the same time, it does not confine to just "your significant other".  Because being single does not mean the someone spot in your heart is empty either, it's simply filled with many other people too.

I believe our everything is never just a person, it's definitely more than what we realise. The friend we go to when we have good news, the first person we call when our lives have just been turned upside down, the first person we ask for opinions on what outfit to wear on a first date, the first person we know that would trade the world for us. It's always the friends who are there, not just when it's convenient, but especially when it's not. The list could go on and on, because if I would to describe every person that mattered to me starting with "The friend who...",   this list would never end.

Being so far away from home made me realise how important these someones are and how oblivious I was to their existence, taking for granted that I will always have them around therefore not paying them much or any attention at all. It wasn't until a couple of days ago when I received my assignment marks. I was overjoyed with my results and the second I got back, I wanted to tell my mother and I did. As I waited hours for her reply, it occurred to me how much I needed to hear her say she was proud of me. It was as if her words of encouragement was the air I needed to breathe. I couldn't live without my mom. Who knew living independently could be such a painful yet fulfilling experience?

And it's not just parental support a person requires. I mean, think about all our friends. We need each and every one of them because they make us happy for different reasons. If I had knew this earlier, I probably wouldn't have pushed away so many friends because of my selfish mindset of not needing anyone.  I used to think showing emotions made a person weak and vulnerable but now, I've realised it doesn't. If anything, it's being honest, especially to myself.

Besides, what's the point in lying to ourselves anyway? If someone asks how I am,  I'll tell them I feel like crap when I do, and I feel good if I do. And I'll cry when I'm sad and laugh as fucking loud as I want when I'm happy. Why hold back when all we want is to live our lives to the fullest?

Saying that, I'm going to make sure I fucking will. And I'm starting by being honest to who I am.

Love,
Kimmy.

Being Alone Is Not A Bad Thing

I had the most wonderful time Christmas shopping today because I got loads of gift ideas and also, I shopped alone. Now before you think I'm weird for enjoying alone time, let the truth be told; I like being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends to bits and having company is awesome but sometimes when it's all too much to handle, I do appreciate a time-out. I didn't realise how much I needed it ever since I came here until I went out today.

Every now and then, whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, we all do need some time alone. Personally, I like being away from people I know and ironically, I immerse myself with more people I do not know. It may sound strange but I really do like being in a busy town on my own.

I remember as a kid, whenever I saw a person eating alone, I would assume that he or she had no friends. Maybe you didn't think that way, but I definitely did. I mean, why wouldn't I? Movies and cartoons always showed that one weird kid who sat alone during recess and 9 times out of 10, this kid had no friends.

It was because of this false mindset that led me to fear solitude until recently. I know people who are afraid of doing things alone. I know because I used to be scared of eating alone. I dreadfully feared shopping alone and even simple things like going to class. I always needed someone to go with me simply because there was no way in hell I wanted people to assume I was that weird kid with no friends.

It is pathetic when I come to think about it. Thankfully, I learned that being alone and being lonely are not quite the same. It turns out I was not afraid of being alone, I just feared being seen alone because of what others might think of me.

Then of course, I grew up and eventually learned to ignore the weird stares I was getting. Solitude is a beautiful thing and if you are afraid of being alone, I am about to tell you why you shouldn't.

One of the greatest things about being alone is the freedom you and only you possess.

We can all agree that shopping with friends can be great fun, but waiting for them is not. While you do miss out on their second opinions shopping alone, let's just think about not having to wait or go into shops you dislike. Plus, you can take as long as you want in the changing room admiring yourself in your soon-to-be favourite jeans without feeling bad about making someone else wait for you.

The freedom to do whatever the hell you want and no one is holding you back. Why not?

Another thing I picked up today was how oblivious we all are. We don't realise what's happening around us because we are constantly on our smartphones creeping up on other people's lives, when life is in fact, happening before us. I was alone in a cafe this afternoon and just by doing nothing, I discovered that guys do gossip about their controlling girlfriends. (Funny how we thought they didn't.)

It was not important at all but my point is, it is interesting how much we learn about people, just by observing them. I always catch myself people-watching the most when I'm alone. Maybe because when I'm out with friends, I don't tend to pay any attention to my surroundings. But it makes a little sense doesn't it? That we unconsciously learn something when we observe people.

Like I said, having company is always fun but there are days where we all need a break and that's when being alone becomes enjoyable.

To those who fear being alone, like I used to, here's a good tip that helped me tremendously: Stop being so self-conscious because the truth is, no one cares. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to judge you for being a loner. Sure, people will stare for a second or two but they will move on, like how you will finally realise that solitude is bliss.

Love,
K.W

Coping With Loss

At some point of our lives, we have to experience loss. Well actually, we have all lost something or someone before, whether it's our first teddy, first iPod, first love etc. And just for that brief second the pain is somewhat unbearable because the presence of something once so cherished to us is not there anymore. If we're talking about a soft toy or an iPod, money can easily buy a brand new one. But what money can't buy is what the heart can feel, like love, guilt and especially the pain of losing someone.

I have not lost someone close to me before, not in that way, so I don't have the right to talk about it. I have experienced the loss of a friendship though and something like that isn't as painful to deal with, but it's never easy to get over either.

It is really painful isn't it? When you say to someone "Oh I used to be close to him/her." It hits you with a sense of nostalgia, because in that moment, all the good memories you shared just flashes instantly and you have to put that thought away in your head for a minute, before you sink into deep sadness.

I had a really close friend once, and we fell out. If I was being easy, I would say it's my fault. But the way I saw it, we just grew out of each other. Things about her I used to adore, now I find annoying. And for some reason, I felt like every time we spoke, it was always about her and hardly about me. It became a one-sided friendship, I felt like I was giving in all the time. And I was so sick of it. It being the way I was treated, not her. I could never be sick of her because she's my reflection. We're two sides to a coin, everything she likes, I like too. Our mutual interest was what made our friendship work so well, but our differences were so different, it carried us further away from each other than we thought.

Sometimes, I blamed it on the fact that we were separated for too long that her absence annoyed me and it lead to a dislike of her. Knowing myself, when I develop a dislike for someone, it's a continuos downhill from there and there's no way of liking them the same way ever again. I might sound unreasonable, but forgiveness, like trust has to be earned. And I find it so hard to forgive, especially when she did me no wrong. It has come to a stage where I now look at her and I can only feel irritated. Her entire person, her standing in front of me, just irked me in so many ways.

I can't quite put my finger on it but I know for certain that I am jealous of her. She has the most perfect family, boyfriend, and friends around her. She doesn't know it, but she does. And when I say perfect, sure they have flaws of their own, but they are indeed perfect for her. And to think that we started out the same, both a nobody, constantly left feeling invisible, she now lives a better life than me. And when I realised, I had a part in making her life the way it is now, I got angrier. Being selfless made me turn against my friend, jealousy turned me into a bitch.

That was my loss. I lost a really good friend and I can't put my thoughts away when I think about her in the middle of something. I can't cope to be honest. When I spot something on the street I would like, I think about us. And it's not something easy to get over at all.

Life goes on, however. And very fortunately too, I feel. Being stuck in the emotional state of sadness does no one any good, so the great thing is, it doesn't last. When reality hits again, the emptiness one feels from loss will eventually fill with other things like work, studies etc. It might not replace what was felt, but it does fill the glass half empty with new experiences, new adventures and definitely new feelings. With every loss, comes a new gain. Sure, it might take forever to move on, but hey, that's the only way.


Love,
K.W

Celebrating Success, Big or Small

So, I wrote an article and it was published on Thought Catalog (YAY!The link is here: http://tcat.tc/1tNftUk) yesterday and I am so so so so so happy, it's unbelievable. It's been more than 24 hours since it went online and I am still shaking every time I think about it. I know it's not that much of a big deal because anyone who's anyone can write and most certainly have it published on a website. It's a bit different for me though.

Ever since university started, I've been feeling incredibly inferior. Not that I want to, I just can't help thinking that because I am Asian, studying among talented and creative writers, it doesn't make me good enough. And to get an email saying that my work was published on such a well-known American website, it was exactly the confidence boost that I needed. 

Once again, it probably isn't much but you can imagine it meant a lot to me. 

Not going to lie, after I found out, I was practically dancing in my room, doing shimmies and chanting fuck yea continuously until I felt sinful for swearing. But yes that was my way of celebrating my mini triumph. Now if you know me, you're probably like really? This girl? Celebrating? No.

Well, fair enough, I come off as quiet, boring and invisible but I do like to celebrate. I just think it's a good excuse to have a fun time when you find something as silly as this to celebrate about. This is probably also the reason why I place a lot of emphasis on birthdays and anniversaries, simply because everyone gets to be happy. And celebrating success, whether its a mini achievement or landing the job of your dreams, is a must.

You see, it's important to be proud of what you've achieved, no matter how insignificant it might be to others. After all, it is what you have done and only you can fully appreciate the sense of achievement it provides. Not everyone witnessed the effort I put in every night to write a good blog post and certainly no one knew how long I've been trying for this. Celebrating, for whatever reason, whether it's a treat to yourself, or another person, makes up for a better day, so why not? We have enough to worry about on a daily basis that it leaves us almost no time take in and appreciate the positive things happening. Plus, while you can, make the most out of it before a new pile of work lands on your table tomorrow and you have no chance to celebrate the joys of being promoted.

I felt great when I received a couple of congratulations messages and 20 likes on the article. I was smiling away like a lovestruck idiot when people were happy for me because of something I worked hard for. It just made me realise how worth it this little achievement was because it was making the people around me happy. (i'm still so happy omfg)

Anyway to end this off, I hope you didn't think reading this has been pointless or a waste of time and if you're serious all the time like I am, I hope you'll start giving yourself some credit instead of always letting your hard work go unnoticed. Open that bottle of champagne, eat Ben & Jerry's, spend the entire night watching Netflix, and shimmy like Hugh Grant because you, my friend, fucking deserve it.

Love,
K.W 

Hello November

It's 7.00am and I am knackered. I've been trying to get started on my poetry assignment which is proving to be quite a challenge already. First assignment and I'm struggling, I can't even begin to imagine what the next three years is going to be like.

I know I tend to say this a lot, but only because I feel this way. And no one can tell me if I'm right or wrong to be feeling inferior. It's nearly impossible to find someone who can understand how tough it is to gain self-confidence when I am a true blue Asian with no A levels qualification or any substantial Literature knowledge to attempt at an English degree. Some may say I'm brave or courageous to have done this, and on my good days, I do feel like it's an achievement but otherwise, I often think it's an abrupt and foolish decision made with no prior consideration. 

Having said that, it gives me a clearer reason to study and work harder. After all, I called the shots and if there's anyone to blame now, it would be me but really, what's the use of that when I'm here at the expense of my parents? 

Almost everyone I've met told me that university was going to be the best three years of your life and it will fly past unbelievably quick and I have to agree with the latter. Seriously, October felt like ten minutes and Christmas decorations are already out EVERYWHERE. 

Am I having the best time ever? Not so far. I have been going out recently and attempting to socialise or whatever but I have not found my own friends yet which sucks big time. 

No one likes being the person who tags along with everyone else and sadly that is what I am now. I seem to be really quiet for some reason and I don't like it at all. I miss the me who won't shut up and can literally go on forever about the most random things. It's not that I don't want to talk, I just tend to feel bored, like everyone's topic of interest just doesn't interest me at all. 

Besides, most people spend their time out in clubs partying and getting drunk which isn't something I can judge them for because it is indeed the British culture and it's good exposure for me anyway, I'm still trying to figure out if I enjoy it at all though. I don't really like the idea of relying on alcohol to have a good time, the thought of waking up the next day hungover and not remembering anything doesn't seem appealing to me in any way. I miss going out and having a laugh with my good friends and just really soaking up each other's energy and company. That is my definition of "having a good time". 

You can call me square because that is how much of a loser I am but there's no shame to it. 

However, I did go out on Halloween dressed as Beyonce and I was #Flawless. Alright maybe not, but channeling my inner Queen B to heavy metal music is not easy and I danced a lot anyway (yay) even though I barely knew any of the songs they were playing. Really can't help that I enjoy mainstream music more. 

While I was walking around Manchester like a tomato head from the tiny sips of alcohol I drank, the whole night in general was good fun. 

That pretty much sums up my uneventful October and here's to a better month filled with tons of reading and assignments to complete. 

Pumped! 

Love, 

K.W

Make A Life Worth Living

Happy Midweek!

If anyone's wondering what kind of weather I'm living in, well it's a cold and rainy Wednesday which I don't really mind because it makes up a good combination for some food for thought writing so here goes.

Just a couple of days ago, for some reason I was so fascinated by how much things have changed within a year or two. I think it started when I was browsing through the books I have to read for this semester, and I suddenly recalled how I thought I never had to study another ancient classic ever since I handed up my last Literature exam paper when I was sixteen. Yet here I am, two years later, reunited with Shakespeare.

It is funny how at sixteen, I never saw myself taking an interest in writing, especially when all I wanted to do was to perform and live on a stage. With that being said, I did question myself, I may like writing now but what if three years later, I become a psychologist?

Quite obviously, we would never know. What I do find rather mind-blowing about this, is the idea that there can be millions or endless if you will, of possibilities for the future that we may not know of, and I think it makes living so exciting.

However, despite all the twists and turns life seems to take, we never seem to realise that the freedom to be who we want is entirely up to us. While believing in "destiny" and constantly wondering about what is it "you're meant to do", we're forgetting that our fate isn't permanently written in stone, that we have full control over what we want in life, that if we wake up tomorrow and decide that we shall be the next Einstein, we can. 

Humans are capable of anything. With or without resources, we are practically unstoppable.

If you want a PhD in Celebrity Gossip instead of Accounting, then go for it. If you want to live in New York City, then work for it and when you can afford to, take that chance and go. Life is but a space of time with no definite length and while we're young and alive, I say let's go forth boldly in the direction of our dreams, because why waste precious years doing something you don't like? 

It sounds cheesy but the way I see it, this life never stays the same and there's no way of knowing what comes tomorrow. You might win the lottery or break a leg but what I'm saying is life changes and circumstances may alter for better or for worse, so while we hold onto today, make it worth.

I am very fortunate that at different stages of my life, I have had opportunities to do what I want. My parents were kind to send me to dance classes and now, well enough to send me all the way across to world to pursue writing and I am eternally grateful for it. But who knows if three years from now, I lose the inspiration to write and decide that I want to be the next Beyonce. (Touchwood, but c'mon who wouldn't want to?!) 18-year-old Kimmy would tell 21-year-old Kimmy to fucking do it anyway.

Whether it's dancing, writing or anything else, at the end of the day, I want to have checked everything off my bucket list and have #NoRegrets carved onto my gravestone because then I can tell God and His angels in heaven that it's been a life worth living. 

Love,
K.W 

18th

I turned eighteen today and to be honest, nothing changed. I didn't go out to parties like everyone else did, I just stayed home and celebrated my eighteenth birthday with my lovely roommates. It was just like another ordinary day.

My birthday used to be my favourite day of the year. Whenever October rolled in, I get all excited with countdowns to my special day. I used to absolutely hate it when the clock strikes twelve and the date changes to the 12th of October. Part of why I loved my birthday so much was mainly because of the wishes I would receive from people. Because on this particular day of the year, it was going to be all about me. I had 24 hours to fully utilise it because if I don't, I'd have to wait another 8,760 hours before I can again.

This year, the big 18 everyone was so excited about, was rather un-extraordinary for me. I was away from home and my closest friends, however, with the raving nightlife Manchester provides, I did expect my 18th to be full of dancing, partying and alcohol... in which none actually happened. Well, I guess that's fair, considering that I haven't made any close friends yet here in Salford. But to be completely honest, this birthday was so disappointing.

I guess I only had myself to blame for a disappointing birthday because of the expectations I held for it. I expected this wonderful 18th to be a blast and whatever, like how everyone describes it, and maybe because of what I was hoping for, it lead to such a bitter day.

I am angry because I thought I was worthy. Worthy enough for my friends to send me at least a "Happy Birthday". For some, I thought we were on that stage of friendship, where they would do more than just sending me a quick text. Really? With the advanced technology these days, and they couldn't even call me. Thats the worse part. After all that I've done for their birthdays, making sure every surprise party was executed perfectly according to plan, AFTER EVERYTHING, and they just brushed it off like it didn't matter. Why do I constantly put in so much effort for others, but when it boils down to me, no one could give a flying fuck. Even when I wasn't present on their birthdays, the least I did was to send a really meaningful text just to tell them how much they meant to me. And they couldn't do the same? I wasn't expecting gifts to drop out of my letterbox in the morning, no, I wasn't expecting a virtual Skype call to celebrate my birthday, no, not even any of that! All I wanted, was to feel appreciated, to be thanked for, after every single damn thing I've done for them. I genuinely thought you guys were my close friends, I actually thought I meant something to you, how silly of me to even think you would remember my birthday, or miss me even!

Which adds on to the depressing fact that I am just so invisible. It feels like ever since I moved here, I was automatically deleted from everyone's brain. Like my existence just isn't present anymore. Friends I thought were close to me, didn't even bother to wish me. Yes, even with the Facebook reminder that we all depend on, still not a word from them. That is nice, isn't it? To feel so fucking shitty on my eighteenth birthday.

It feels brilliant too, to know that I've wasted so much time on people who I thought were my friends, because clearly, I don't mean as much to them. Usually, I would say "Fuck it, let's not care", but I'm not going to lie, I do care. It isn't about having expectations anymore, it's just the mere thought that they could have done something for me but didn't. Because if the tables were turned, I would have done more without even hesitating.

And having expectations on my birthday isn't my fault. Because being eighteen is a big deal, at least that's what everyone makes it up to be. And there's nothing wrong with looking forward to it.
Can you imagine throwing a birthday party with no one showing up? Yea, because this is exactly what it feels like.

Ugh, anyway.

On the brighter side of things, birthday wishes from Facebook friends really did make me smile, because their effort to write on my wall, is a kind thought and I genuinely appreciate it. See, I don't want extravagant gifts or nightclub parties, it would be nice just to be thought about for once, okay?

My family did mail me birthday cards and they even called me which made me cry tears of joy. Honestly, family beats everything. They love me with every flaw I possess and make me feel worth it. Hearing their voices reminded me of how much I'm loved back home. Even with no friends to count on, there's always family to rely on. With that being said, I am indeed grateful for the friends who make me feel special with essay-long Instagram posts. Thanks, Viidyaa!

I know you may be reading this and thinking "this girl needs to be more thankful for what she has." Well, it isn't about what I have or don't have. It's just that I thought I meant something to people, even after all I've done, but it seems quite the opposite and I'm just disappointed. It's like working so hard on an exam to get a bad grade in return.

It's so strange how every year the birthday wishes become lesser, when it should be more because of the new people I'm meeting. Hence, goes to prove, friends come and go. And I guess that's the only way to determine who my true friends really are.

So, thanks.

Anyway, that pretty much sums up my grand eighteenth. Oh look, it's past midnight. Glad to know I wasted my favourite day of the year on nothing but sadness and anger.

Why You Should Be The First To Confess

Because
.
.
.

What the hell are you waiting for? Seriously, if you really like this dude, go up to him! The reality is, being shy and quiet will not automatically give your crush the green light to approach you. You have to do something about it. In fact, if you don't approach that cutie now, someone else will. And don't go complaining to your BFFs when you've finished second in the race. It's part of girl code that if you don't call dibs, you just have to deal with the aftermath which unsurprisingly results in jealousy and disappointments.

So take one good look in the mirror and think about how awesome you are and bravely walk up to him. An awkward hi is ten times better than nothing. 

Which brings me to my next point. You.

I'm sure at some point we've had a crush on someone and immediately thought to ourselves "Oh he's out of my league" I'm sorry, excuse me? What league? You are you. You are an amazing individual and you should be allowed to have a crush on anyone.

Now, I'm not just talking about physical looks, I'm saying it includes everything else. If you see someone remotely attractive in every aspect and you're starting to develop affection for the other party, then go for it. Don't ever think you're not pretty or smart enough for this guy because the last time I checked, there's only one of you in this universe. And your crush should feel hella lucky to have you as an admirer. However, if he doesn't, there's always someone else who will. Hang in there, buddy. A failed crush isn't the end of the world.

Thirdly, I presume, is the main reason why girls refuse to admit to their feelings first. And yes, it's because of the R word. Rejection.

You know sometimes I think, even within ourselves, we picture rejection to be the greatest enemy of life when there's nothing to be afraid of. As we grow up, we will face rejection in every aspect. One day, we will walk in to a job interview and be rejected. Does that mean we cry in front of our employer begging for a place, or do we walk off confidently to our next interview? Rejection is inevitable and if you think about it, how bad can you be rejected? 

The guy you like, I'm sure is not cruel or a sick son of a bitch. He won't hear your confession, laugh in your face and say "HAHAHA you shit face, piss off" or write on your forehead in bold "REJECTED". No, okay? That is not going to happen. However, if perchance that might occur, I suggest you crush on someone more ethical. 

Also, rejection doesn't signify the end of a friendship. Just because you have a crush on him does not mean you still can't enjoy each others' company as friends. Sure, it might be awkward for a couple of days but as long as YOU don't make it uncomfortable, you two will be back to being friends in no time.

Lastly, here's a pretty damn good reason why it should be you who does the confessing.

Have you ever been caught in a situation where your crush somehow finds out from your best friend's aunt's niece's boyfriend's sister that you like them? And how it simply complicates everything because he didn't hear it from you. Now, you're probably at that stage where you over-analyse his every move and your every conversation because you're looking for signs to know whether he likes you back.

First of all, why go through all that trouble when you can just tell him yourself? I know it can be tough to pluck up the courage to openly confess. I know because I've been there. It's not easy but it's for everyone's convenience. And secondly, it makes things easier for your crush too. Instead of hearing it through multiple sources, which I'd like to add, quite possibly would have exaggerated the situation, can be confusing for him as well. Think about it, he doesn't know what to believe and is bloody clueless on how to act on it. Is he going to pretend nothing happened? Unlikely, but he is going to ignore you for as long as you can imagine because he is just as embarrassed as you are.

Guys are not mind readers, so cut them some slack before you throw a tantrum at the friend who revealed your secret for you. 

It is 2014 and as advanced as we like to think we are, girls still prefer to play it old school and cliche, which is to wait and wait.... and wait.

How long do you plan to wait before you decide to tell him how you feel? When telepathy becomes a thing, so you won't have to do the talking?

No. Because unlike what Nicholas Sparks novels teach us, a boy and a girl rarely fall in love at first sight. Couples almost never fall for each other at the same time, in the same instant. There has to be someone brave enough to make the first move, to do the chase.

If you confess today, you are giving him time to notice or even develop feelings for you, which works completely in your favour.  

If you don't, he will never know. And by the time you've waited long enough to finally say something, he could have been secretly crushing on you this whole time, or even worse, moved on to someone else. As much as we fear rejection, guys probably do too. 

It's time to do things a little differently. Be the first one to confess. If he doesn't feel the same way about you, it's alright. Remember, it's just a crush, not a failed marriage proposal. Pick yourself up and move on with sass and confidence.

Love,
Queen B. 

First Week Of University

Having sat in a class full of creative writers on my first week of university was nothing but a terrifying experience. I say this because I was brought up in an Asian country, where English is not our main language. I have lived all my life in a place where plays are scarce and novels are gems. Here in England, as anyone would have guessed, is the complete opposite.

I can confidently say that all my course mates have immense knowledge on Shakespeare and all his plays whereas I literally know nothing about this man. Anyone in my position would be scared. Adapting to life in Salford is a struggle itself and feeling inferior to my own course mates barely made it easier.

I'm a competitive person by nature. Therefore, it's not a surprise that I have always been determined to come out on top in everything I do. We, fellow Asians, know that at some point in school, our confidence was dependant on our ranking in class. Or maybe it was just me, but nonetheless, that trait stuck with me. Sometimes, it served me well, but definitely not today.

Most of us, writers, share the same dream. To land a contract with a publishing firm and hope our novels make it to the big screens so that our bills, finances will be taken care of for the rest of our lives. With a hundred and fifty of us, who will actually fulfil that dream to make it out on top? With my lack of knowledge, I honestly felt as though I had lost the race without even starting.

I'll admit, I cried for hours, terrified at the thought of failing. I was lost and insecure. The only coherent words I could say were "I don't know", because it was true, I had no clue at all what I was doing in a class, learning ancient Japanese poems. I could feel myself distancing from my new found friends. They all shared this similar affection for novels and Literature, something I couldn't see in myself.

Thankfully, after hearing wise words from my old man and friends, I was starting to believe again and more importantly, regained the passion I temporarily lost.

We're all fighting our own battles. On some days, we'll win victoriously, on others, not so much. But if you ever feel like failing is the only option you have left, it is NOT.  If you ever find yourself crying because you feel worthless and incompatible, just breathe and tell yourself "Hang on, what can't I bring to the table?"

You ARE worth it.

And you know what? I haven't read every single book in the world but unlike everyone else, I'm here with a completely different purpose. My passion is not to write, read or over-analyse Shakespeare. I never understood any of his plays, but if it means having to do what I hate to enjoy what I love, then so be it. Because my passion is not to sell novels or write poetry, no. My passion is to inspire. Simply because words can.

Love,
K.W

Chasing Dreams.

"Just go for it. Chase your dreams. Don't stop believing" blah blah blah

Sounds rather familiar, doesn't it? Especially since those words come from singers, actors, Steve Jobs, Youtubers or just people, in general, who are having a much better life than we are. But even after hearing them, we are all left with the same reaction. Some inspired, some just dumbfounded. Yet we question the same thing. How did they do it? Why can't I? Or more optimistically, when will I?

I am a dreamer. And I have never stopped wondering.

Recently, I've been looking at old videos of my first concert by We The Kings. Many may not be familiar with who they are or how good their music is. I won't be the judge of that, knowing that my taste is rather "mainstream" so I'll let you decide.

My point of today's post is figuring out how a group of 5 lame dorky guys, who's initial intention of writing music was to attract girls, manage to land a sell out concert in a country they have never been to. And how incredible it is to think that their music has travelled oceans and continents to touch the hearts of strangers they didn't even know existed.

How did they do it?

Passion and hard work.

Hard work, a phrase as kids we never liked to hear. Passion? A word that signifies a strong desire to do something we love.

It is common knowledge that talent and hard work goes hand in hand. One without the other, is a recipe for failure. And I disagree. Talent, in fact, shouldn't even be in the equation. Frankly, I would never trust talent to chase my dreams for me. Evidently, in the end, hard work is the one who does all the dirty work.

Passion, on the other hand, is what keeps us from quitting. I say this because passion carries a much deeper meaning than talent. Passion, I learnt, means doing everything in our power to keep our dreams well and alive. Passion, not only the act of conquering what we want, but also, protecting that desire even if it means, putting ourselves on the line just to do what we love.

I've seen friends who had no talent succeed because they had passion and the will to work tirelessly and selflessly. An enormous amount of determination that paved their rocky path to success.

If there was anything I learned from that concert it was that there is never an easy road to a place worth going. Just like what the lead singer said "Life wasn't easy as a child, but it is fucking amazing now" and so I conclude today's entry.

We all have dreams and we want to live it. Instead of wasting time wondering how they did it, it's probably time to figure out how you'll achieve yours.

Love,
K.W

Never Not Invisible

Call me invisible.

Yes, go ahead and say it to my face. And sure you can laugh about how difficult it is for me to "put myself out there" or make a funny comment. 

I wish I could laugh too and pretend that my feelings weren't hurt at all, but that's not true. 

I become rather vulnerable when it comes to socialising and knowing that's not my greatest trait I will feel hurt when someone mocks my weakness. Of course, you may say I'm sensitive. And maybe I am But that's just me.

Also, I don't do funny comments or goofy faces or hilarious jokes or instantly become friends with someone over the mutual love for Game Of Thrones. 

I don't belong in any category, really. If that's how we like to be called these days. We all belong to one, inadvertently. It's either the group of girls who gossip about every possible reality show and unsurprisingly are living in one themselves, or the gaming group, or the gym buds, or even the group who's up for crazy ideas every minute of the day. I don't belong anywhere. And trying to fit in to any one of those is tough. I have a fair amount of knowledge on Keeping Up with The Kardashians but I don't fancy talking about them. I enjoy watching movies and reading novels but I haven't read everything in this world. I like being around fun-loving, positive, goofy people, but I will never be as crazy as they are. I just wasn't born for it. 

I know myself in and out and I have to admit, I'm nothing but a people-pleaser. I will do anything to impress those around me. In fact, I can't remember a time where I didn't feel the need to do something extraordinary to prove my worth. Even the best of me will never be enough to cover up the fact that I have always been and will be, that person who's boring and invisible. 

Just be yourself, they say. 

Well, this IS me. I'm not full of fun facts, neither am I in the slightest bit creative. I'm not skilled in anything. All I know is to sit behind a laptop and type, hoping someone out there can hear my non-existent voice.

Now that you've seen all of me, will you still hang around and be my friend or are you going to be like everyone else who knew me for a second and pretended we never met? I am myself, aren't I? 

But no, deep down I know, this isn't who I am. Who I am is greater than what I choose to show. It's just a pity that no one stays long enough to see the real me. 

One day, my voice will be bold enough that you can't ignore me. One day, you're gonna wish you knew me as a friend rather than a bare acquaintance. One day, you'll see me and you're gonna think to yourself "How the hell did I miss that?"

K.W

Yours Truly

A couple of days ago, I came across this silly wish list I wrote back when I was 14. I had a good laugh at some of the things I said, like how I badly wanted cats and how I wanted to only marry a certain someone.

For some reason, I recalled laughing hysterically at the latter and also saying "Oh my god, what the fuck was I thinking. So I decided it would be a good idea to write a reply to my fourteen year old self, telling her Mr. Perfect 2010 was not so perfect after all and that she now hates cats with a passion. 

1)so...i wish my results this end of year is going to be full of As..i really wish that i can go 3/1 next year...hahaha its very hard for me but i will try my hardest and bestest!!i dun want my mum or dad telling me that i shouldn’t give excuses or saying that i haven’t tried my best...*sigh* life is so hard...

2) I want to be known for something i’m good at...I want people to envy me..i’m not trying to get popular or anything but i just want to be known for who i am and what i’m good at. Look at patricia,she’s so good in art,i envy her...so much in fact.she was born with the talent to draw so well... and look at me..yeah fine i can dance but among ten people only 3 knows that i actually dance other than that i’m just another follower sarah can present and sing,nona can sing and act..me nothing...

3) i want to be a tv host when i grow up,i know i’m not pretty enough but i want to try...it seems so fun being in front of a camera entertaining the whole world.although you have to be interesting and funny to get people’s attention,but i want to give it a shot..

4) i wish daddy would buy me cats for my birthday

5)i wish that Patrick would love me..somehow..two years already,nothing happened..i’m actually so surprised that i’m not giving up on him...

6)i wish to be a princess in my next life :D

7)i wish for world peace

8) I wish I was much taller :]

9)i like fantasising about fairyland!

10) I kind of want to be a racing driver when I grow up.

11) hah I just read this over again, and I’ve accomplished no 1 yay!!! Oh yeah I’m listening to ke$ha now… and I realize her songs are autotuned.

12) Gosh, Beiber sounds like a girl. My next wish is to 4/1 next year. I wanna score well for AMaths, and chemistry. MUST MUST.

13) Hey Kimmy, this is you two years after this document was written. And I just want to say, your English was terrible, I’m so glad we had that drastic improvement. Can you believe it we’re going to Salford University to do Creative Writing! And you should be grateful we achieved at least two of your wishes. You got into 3/1 and 4/1 after all and secondary school turned out awesome. You met great friends and even better friends in college, you would be so proud being in my position now. 

He didn’t love you back sadly. But that’s okay. And to tell you the truth, even though it’s been 2 years, you’re still not completely over him. You still think of him occasionally but not as much as you used to. He still appears in your dreams every once in a while when you least expect it, which is refreshing, at least you’re not up all night thinking about him. We weren't dumped. We pinned up false hopes for ourselves and that was the greatest disappointment of all. How I wish I could go back in time and stop you from leading yourself on. He only saw you as a classmate, nothing more than that. Although he did find our constant pursuit quite attractive but I guess that’s just what he says when he needs an ego booster. He’s a good guy Kimmy, just not the right one for us. I finally had the confession I wanted. I told him everything, how we felt so foolish to be running around, wearing our hearts on our sleeves. And like a gentleman, he heard me out, which I very much appreciated. But don’t get me wrong, just because he acknowledged our feelings, it doesn’t change his. We’re still nothing but acquaintances to him. I guess you could say we ended whatever we had on good terms. I no longer feel the sudden urge to speak to him like I used to. I moved on. It took ages and it was painful but very worth it. My heart aches when I read our old messages. And unfortunately for you, you will have to deal with this sooner. 

Kimberly Sarah Walker, you always used to think not many people loved you but let me tell you this for a fact, it is true, we never had the good looks or bubbly personality to pass off as prom queen or Ms. Popular with a hot boyfriend. But I learned, we must never measure our self worth according to the number of Instagram likes we have.  We are indeed loved by a few, but the love of a few are the most sincere and genuine and that is all you need for now. It’s kept me going and I’m doing great. We don’t need a boyfriend to fill our empty hearts, they were filled with greatness and courage all along. Although it wouldn’t hurt to have a beau once in a while, but soon you will realise that it would hurt more to start a relationship when you are not ready for one yourself.

You are bold and independent. You don’t need a man to keep your life interesting. You have the dreams of a naïve 5 year old and people will laugh at your efforts for trying to change the world. But you tell them this, you have the undying passion of Michelangelo, who suffered just to paint a fucking ceiling, you have the courage and consistency of Barack Obama, who against all odds became the first black President. Every idea seems stupid to those who don’t believe in it. And you my friend, are a believer. And because you believe, you inspire, you pursue and in due time, you will achieve.

Whenever you’re feeling worthless, just remember these words. Take a leap of faith, you never know where you might land. They have been helpful to me and to you too, in the years to come.

We're unstoppable Kimmy. I believe in myself and you should too, soon. 

PS. We fucking hate cats. World peace is bullshit. There's people getting beheaded somewhere in the Middle East, which is basically how we deal with things nowadays. And seriously fairyland? Grow some balls, you're not 5. You suck at go-karting too, so racing driver is a definite no. 

So there you go, an original, unedited letter from yours truly.  

New Beginnings Part 2

Unlike the usual deep, emotional posts, today I'm taking you through the longest Sunday I have ever experienced in my WHOLE GODDAMN life.

First of all, departure from Singapore was a bittersweet one. I received farewell letters from a couple of close friends and yes, I was crying to myself in the airport, like a typical loner that I am. But I am also truly grateful. Just when I thought I was losing track of where I was headed and why I came here to do this, I was reminded by their kind words again. In my mind, it has always been "me against the world". I told myself that I will make my big dreams happen even when no one believes in me. But to my surprise, I'm not the only one on this journey. I have friends who has been through hell with me, I have parents who has seen the worst of me and now that I have made it here, I'm not gonna let them down. As cheesy as this sounds, I will promise to make you guys proud. I'm not going to hang around invisibly anymore. I'm going to do something for myself and it helps tremendously, knowing that I'm never alone. So from the bottom of my fat heart, thanks guys.

I don't really intend to talk about my flight because it was annoyingly long and uncomfortable. Which by the way, on a scale of 1 to 10, X Men : Days of Future Past was a 6. And after 17 torturous hours on air, we finally landed in Manchester. Oh not to mention the 90 minutes in the immigration, that was indeed SO fun. Getting a terrible back ache from queuing up, yeap, the total highlight of my trip.

Anyway, down to the serious shit. I was frightened the minute I stepped out of the airport. In fact, frightened was an understatement. I was just really, really petrified. I was never a person who had problems adapting to different situations, therefore I did not see my mental breakdown coming at all.

As we were driving on the highway, I noticed that their distance was measured by miles and yards, instead of kilometers and meters. That was when the reality of change hit me. First of all, I have no idea how many miles is one kilometer, how do I expect myself to be able to mould and fit into a society that is so different from where I come from. I was brought up in busy cities, and seeing that Manchester has so much space to live and breathe, it felt both relieving and uneasy. If I adapted to their way of life, I feared I would be slowing myself down and I never want to do that. So it was a huge mix of emotions this afternoon, and it bothered me so much, I lost my mood for everything. I barely ate or spoke, I said no to so many things and the negative thoughts I had about this place never stopped haunting me.

I'm not going to lie but this afternoon, I was ready to post about how much I feared life in Salford. Then I thought, why is it that everything I say have to be so negative. So instead, I went out for a walk. And just then, everything changed.

Take a look at how breathtaking this place is.

Salford Quays is stunningly beautiful. It's astonishing and inspiring. As you can see from the last picture, my university is sandwiched between the BBC and ITV.

For almost a year, my brain was dead. I had no knowledge whatsoever and I haven't solved a calcus problem since. When I took in all that was happening around me, I felt awaken. It's a great environment for me, it stimulates the creativity my brain (Like i have any lol) and for once, I could not wait to start university.

Oh and for the Man United fans out there, you really need to add visiting Old Trafford to your bucket list. I don't care how crap they are now, but Old Trafford is terrific. This shit right here, is amazing.

I didn't get to go inside, but I am definitely doing so the next time I come here.

Anyway, thats the end of my incredibly long Sunday. If you have read everything, I sincerely thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me, when people read what I write, even when it has no relation to their lives whatsoever.

Alright fellas, tomorrow is a big day because I'm moving in with my new roommates. It's kinda exciting, I think Im gonna chest bump her when I see her, I hope she doesn't mind though.

With love from my bloodshot eyes and I,
K.W

20 Incredible Facts About Me.

Seriously, I spent ages coming up with this. It's so bloody incredible, get ready to be mind blown.

1) I hate mushrooms. I think they look like leeches, taste and smell like rotten gum.

2) I love cucumbers. I won't bother explaining why I like eating them because no matter how I say it, it will sound perverted and sickening.

3) I've been told I look like Demi Lovato or Rachel McAdams. Best compliments ever even though I can only dream of looking half as beautiful as them. Plus, it's really amazing what Instagram filters can do these days.

4) I want to be a scriptwriter, or a writer of any sort.

5) One day, I hope to host the Oscars. I don't care if I'm single with 27 cats, that is truly my one and only life goal.

6) I would consider myself ambitious.

7) Chicks Before Dicks is my motto. Yes, girls night out over date night any day.

8) Then again, movie night with myself beats girls night out too.

9) I enjoy solitude. I have no qualms with eating lunch alone.

10) However, I do like hanging out with good friends. I'm kinda an intro-extrovert person.

11) I read my horoscope every morning. I believe in fate, reading signs and that there's a man above who controls everything.

12) In relation to that, my favourite movie would be The Adjustment Bureau. Go watch it.

13) I've never watched a horror movie, I probably never will.

14) Hashtag Beyhive. I worship Beyonce. I think her sass is so powerful, it could achieve world domination.

15) I fell asleep while watching The Notebook. Twice. Don't get what is all the fuss about that movie.

16) I tend to relate human faces to animals. And if I don't tell you what animal you look like, it's probably not a cute one.

17) I like watching random movies on Youtube. That is the main cause of my lack of sleep.

18) I can fall sleep anywhere. Upside down on the couch, next to the fridge or in my back yard. Literally.

19) I swim a lot. I would like to be a pool mermaid. I don't fancy swimming in the sea though.

20) The only sport I watch is Formula 1. Been Alonso's fan since I was 7?

21) I secretly like eating salads. I would have no problems being a vegetarian.

22) I don't comb or brush my hair. Because they look better that way.

23) I don't know how to use make up. They look like a colourful palette of crayons to me.

24) I am both messy and organised at the same time. I throw my clothes everywhere but I enjoy filing my documents.

25) I won a bronze medal just by throwing a discus. Hah they were only 4 contestants.

26) I wrote my first story when I was 10. All the characters were my classmates and the girl I didn't like was the evil witch.

27) I also wrote a 200 page story before. It was bullocks because I couldn't finish it.

28) If I didn't choose to become a writer, I would be a hair stylist.

29) All my close friends are Indian. I have no idea why.

30) I could go on until 100 but you would be bored to tears. So follow me on twitter @Kimmy_Walker if you wanna know more.

With love,
K.W

On point, JLaw.

Let's just put this out there. When a person is famous, the love from his or her fans can be great, but so does the hate and it could be even greater.


Let's talk about the most "overrated" celebrity in our world right now and who could that be none other than the one and only Jennifer Lawrence.

You might find this article a little biased because I am one of those fans. I admire her attitude as much as I enjoy her work but I'll try my best to keep this neutral.

I've read a couple of articles lately, talking about the hypocrisy of JLaw. One of the factors that really shocked me was how people reacted to the fact that she is skinny, therefore promoting the idea of that "being a size of 10 was okay" made her a two faced bitch.

LOL.

People, people. While you were busy pointing out each and every one of her mistakes, you missed out on the big picture. I salute her for being brave enough to come out and say that "No. Skinny isn't a goal. What's wrong with being fat" And just because she isn't obese, it doesn't make her statement any less valid.

During the Kate Moss era, girls all around the world used "Nothing tastes better than skinny feels" as their life motto, constantly cutting down on calorie and sugar intake that it indirectly harmed their bodies too. Did anyone think about that? I guess not. Which was why society has become so obsessed with the idea of being skinny is the only exception, that it discriminated many girls for not being able to fit in.

And how is that fair to everyone?

Jennifer, being one of the many stars in our generation to bravely go against that mindset has earned my full respect. Along with her weird and strange personality, it made her even more loveable because she proved that being different isn't wrong and as well as it worked for her, being different could also earn you the spotlight and as well as an Academy award.

Just to be clear, I have no hate towards Kate Moss. Her unique statement that sparked a trend worldwide isn't wrong either. It was her opinion and I have no rights to go against it. Being skinny is okay and so is being fat. If you want to work out and feel good about eating salads everyday, who are we to say you're wrong? Similarly, if you were born with a tastebud so adventurous that you love food with a passion, who is to say it is a crime?

People should never be discriminated or judged based on the way they look. Our shape and colour will never be as important as what's in our brains. Remember that. We don't have a say in how our face comes together before we were born so why should we even be ashamed of it?

That was JLaw's point. She believes that no matter what size you are, as long as you are human, you are entitled to the rights of any man.


K.W

All You Need Is Courage

I'm scared. I truly am terrified. There's 9 more days to take off and everyday, it's getting scarier. I'm not ready for this big of a life changer. I really am not. I can't put into words how unprepared I am for this. Living with new roommates, meeting people from all walks of life, learning to settle in an environment on foreign land, they're just the beginning of the fears that won't stop haunting me.

It just dawned on me that I am no good in writing. Can you believe it, 9 more days and it just bloody hit me like a brick to my face that writing is not meant for me. Or maybe it is? I don't know. The worst of all my fears is not knowing anything. I'm unsure, unprepared and I have close to no confidence in the career path I chose for myself. The last thing I want out of the next three years of university life is regret.

I am going to be sitting in a lecture hall full of aspiring writers, with creative juices flowing through their veins and I am going to be filled with so much envy and jealousy. Jealous that I can't be as creative as they are, jealous that they can vividly portray their imagination on paper with just a few pen strokes, so bitterly jealous that they'll have the vocabulary capabilities of a thesaurus, speaking in fancy posh words I will probably never understand.

I AM SO SCARED, OKAY?

Most of my friends have been assuring me with kind words that I am "good". Well, everyone needs to stop lying to me too. Sugar coating the truth will serve me nothing but false hopes.

I can't help but be negative all the time, especially when my roommate wants to be an author and bloody hell, she's almost there. Her language skills are insanely amazing. I mean, she talks like she's writing an essay. How the hell am i suppose to compare myself to that??

I know, i know. I shouldn't be selling myself short and the only real competition I should be afraid of is myself.

As grateful as I am for all the support, it is still rather difficult to erase all my negative thoughts.

Remember Kronk from the Emperor's New Groove on Disney? Whenever he came face to face with a dilemma, an angel and a devil would stand on either sides of his shoulder, each desperately trying to convince him with their point of views.

This feels exactly the same. Part of me wants to believe I was born to write. I believe writing lends a voice to those who are too scared to speak. It shares a voice with those who are invisible. I feel invisible too at times, but writing empowers me. I feel strong when my voice is heard and even stronger when others agree to it. Even for a short minute, I feel noticed because someone out there hears me and thus, willing to stay and listen.

Knowing that maybe one day, my voice can make a difference to improve our world motivates and inspires me. Writing, indirectly brings that dream a little closer, but to transform it into a reality is hard work. Am i ready to challenge this? I'm still hesitating to say yes.

Don't we all wish everything was easier and less terrifying? But i guess if it was, anybody could do it. All it needs is one person who is willing to sacrifice everything to make her own dreams come true. This is my passion then isn't it? A breakthrough to realising that strong desire to achieve a goal that is completely out of my league. The angel tells me anything is possible as long as I have courage to take a leap of faith.

And for once, I think I might believe her.

The Big Countdown

With 18 more days left to take off, just like every other kid that's leaving home, I'm feeling a whole lot of nervous with a slight tinge of excitement. 

Yet with every passing minute, the anxiety grows while the happy kid inside, who had always dreamed of going to the UK, diminishes slowly.  It's quite strange really, but based on all the stories I've heard from friends and relatives who has left, this seems to be very normal. 

Speaking to all fellow freshmen out there, have you ever stopped in the midst of all the college applications and thought to yourself, is this really what I want?

Is it really what YOU want, or is it what your parents or everyone else wants?

I do tend to hesitate over the answer to that question and I'm positive most people do too. I'm not even sure if Creative Writing is what I want for my future. I mean, yes, I do enjoy writing, and I love it at times, but to be honest, compared to so many others, I don't think I'm even qualified.

It wasn't easy, watching some of my friends heading into a course they have no interest in, merely because they were blinded by the outcome of a successful career, big houses, Aston Martins etc.

Yet two weeks after, they're moaning over how much they hated it, I guess they can't be blamed really. Much like myself, sometimes I do wonder if I am blinded by J.K. Rowling's billionaire status.

But hey we are barely twenty, we are allowed to make mistakes.

It's just a pity these mistakes come at a great loss, and it is one we can't bare to afford.

My heart ached at the sight of my parents issuing cheques for my tuition fees while I was applying for the course I wanted. What if I don't succeed as a writer ten years later? I can't possibly tell them that the money they spent was all a complete waste. I think part of what really worries me is that I don't even have the confidence in what I chose for myself.

The possibilities of screwing up is endless but so is the possibility of succeeding and becoming the future editor of Cosmopolitan. Let's just hope its the latter. :)

What Being Rachel Feels Like

If you thought I was referring to Rachel from Friends, then I apologise to have kept your hopes up. However, for those of you who don't recognise this scene, it's from the movie Something Borrowed. If you've read and enjoyed the book as well, then I guess you would be able to relate to what I'm about to say. 

Friendships can be the most amazing thing. Finding a friend who has experienced your ups and downs, is hard to come by. Especially after the countless giving ups and giving ins, it's almost impossible to feel assured if a friendship was meant to last. 

Many times in the past, I forged closed bonds with friends, only to find that it was doing me no good, poisonous, in fact and by the time I realised this, it was always too late to regret.

It hurts to watch ourselves tolerate so much bullshit from the people closest to us. Yet so ironically, we kept our mouths shut and all the dissatisfactions were locked away for good, all for the one person we loved and adored.

Despite all the unfair treatments, we stuck by when they needed us. Despite being labelled as "this girl who hangs out with Darcy" or "Darcy's best friend" and completely losing your own identity to their fame and popularity, we shrugged it off like it didn't hurt a single bit. We surrendered to every fight there was and apologised even when we did nothing wrong. But to not lose them, we said our sorries anyway.  

I understood when you said you didn't mean to betray me after you took what was mine. I even blamed myself for helping you out by retreating to the shy, invisible girl I was so you could keep batting your eyelashes at the guy I liked for so long. With your wits and outgoing personality, you knew without a doubt that you could beat me to anything, and you did. I held back the tears when I realised I was never your first choice, and that someone else would easily replace me. I told myself it didn't matter if you only considered me as your second best, when it obviously did. 

You know what else hurts just as bad? The thought that we were disposable to a friend we deeply cherished. And the worst part, is knowing that if the tables were turned, they would have left in a heartbeat. And against all odds, we chose to stick around, hoping that maybe one day they'll appreciate what we've done and maybe one day, they won't take our sincerity and trust for granted. 

It sucks really, constantly being the loser. But it doesn't always have to end that way. 

The part I admired most about Rachel was the courage she took to say NO. Sometimes, we need to step back and ask ourselves whether some things are worth fighting for and if this "friendship" is what we want. 

I learned that you make your own happiness, and going for what you want, very often means losing something else, even if it's someone you have treasured for a great amount of time.

Yeap. 
With all my love and hate and every other emotion I'm feeling right now,
Kimmy. 

5 Things To Do When You're Having a Bad Day

Well, today wasn't a good one.

I went for a round of golf this morning, only to discover (again) that I still suck despite the hours of practice. Seriously, why is it so difficult to be good at something? 

And a series of other things happened, including a confession, a confrontation and a little bit of crying. Yikes.

Therefore, today's post is a list of things I do every now and then to prevent my days going from bad to well, as worse as it can get. Or the things I do to cheer myself up. And hopefully, you'll find it useful too.

1. Get off social media 

Every teen's daily routine goes like this : Wake up - get out of bed - frantically search for iPhone - opens twitter - end of day

THIS, is wrong. Personally, I find that 95% of my problems come from social media. Seeing a tweet from someone you don't like early in the morning is a terrible way to start your day, so yes, avoid at all costs. Besides, go read the papers, and get in touch with what's happening in the real world, until there is a must to log into Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/MySpace etc   

2. Spend quality time with the ones closest to you 

Once again, spending quality time does not mean sitting in a room staring at your smartphones and communicating through games requests. No. 

If you happen to be a family-oriented person like I am, this is your best way of getting out of a bad day. 

Having younger siblings around the house can be great way to cheer yourself up, especially if they're younger than 10 and have fat, chubby cheeks. (Yes, I am totally obsessed with my sister but whatever, moving on). I love my family to bits, every single one of them. Especially for someone who's leaving to UK pretty soon, when I do have the chance, we make special plans to have a movie marathon together, which is perfect for whatever day I'm having.

3.  Movie marathons

The best part about this is that it can be done alone, because you won't need to be bothered by anyone else's opinion on which Spiderman sequel was better. I'm a hardcore "Stonefield" shipper so don't even get me started.

Or if you prefer to grab a group of friends to watch it together, it still guarantees a great time, except you would need to prepare junk food and homemade popcorn and drinks and even tidy up the house a little, which is a lot of work and not really suitable for someone as lazy as I am.

The beauty of movie marathons, it disconnects you from the outside world for as long as you want, and that is exactly what you need if you're having the worst day of your life.

4. Talk to someone you can trust

This really isn't my go-to-remedy when I'm feeling down but it works... sometimes.

I'm very well aware that if one keeps their frustrations bottled up for a long time, soon enough, they are going to explode. Which is why it doesn't hurt to speak to someone you trust.

The only three people I trust on the face of this planet is my mom, my best friend and my diary.

In every difficult situation, you are going to need someone who has been there, done that to give you the most logical advice and that's what moms are for. After all, momma knows best!

Best friends are like essential punching bags, mute, durable and always there when you need a good punch. On our bad days, we don't need anyone who will understand our problems, or rather someone who will fix our problems for us. No, what we need is someone who will LISTEN. I can't stress how bloody important this is, which is why I said you should only talk to someone you can trust. I trust that my best friend can handle me at my worst days and I trust that she knows what to do to cheer me up. There is no point in speaking to someone who won't listen, let alone care to understand your annoyance.

5. Sleep  

As lame as this sounds, it works all the time. When all else fails, a good nap should do the trick, that is if you have time on your hands of course. Whenever I get angry, I tell myself, let's just leave it for a day. If I wake up tomorrow and it doesn't bother me anymore, it probably wasn't a big deal to be dealt with anyway.

Keep this in mind, we all have our bad days, but it shouldn't stop us from having a good time. It would be a waste wouldn't it, that the time you spend being upset and emotional, could have been the best day of your life.

The 24 hours of today, will not shape the 24 hours of tomorrow, so it's your choice really. Is it going to be a good or bad one? 

See you later, old friend

I don't need anyone. I think partially why i tell myself this is because when someone leaves me, it will hurt less. And the truth that we all know is that people will leave us all the time, and you'd be very lucky enough to have one who sticks by through thick and thin.

One of the struggles of studying abroad is definitely going to be all the family and friends you leave behind, how you're gonna be so homesick and how you'll miss them blah blah blah. Yeap we've heard it way too many times.

I've had friends who left my side and to be honest, the first few months was unbearable. How the different timezones can be such a pain in the ass especially when I want to talk to them and what not. But after a while, I began to realise that they have moved on, and quite quickly i might add. They start posting pictures of their new school, new friends and all the cool stuff they're doing without me. Its heartbreaking, knowing that they'll be sharing new memories with new people and too often, it makes me very jealous.

Yes it is tragic. A friendship I thought was worth a lifetime suddenly seems like it was only for the time being. And what's worse,is beginning to feel as though I was merely just a passerby, helping them get through the 10 months of college.

I experienced this so-called "phase" when my friends left me but I've moved on too. And soon enough, the friends I leave behind will feel the same way.

Or maybe not. I'm completely invisible, no one will even notice my absence anyway.

But the point is, I think this is just the way it is. Across all different stages of our lives, we'll be with different people, and all these unique individuals we meet are going to define who we are and who we're meant to be. It sounds exciting yet it carries a sense of bitterness.

I do look back at old photographs and reminisce about the good times and how I wish I could relive them again. But the sad truth is, looking back at the good old days just proves that the only thing left in our friendship are those fond memories we will never forget.

Truly, time and tide waits for no man. And just because our old friends have left us does not mean we should stick around crying over spilt milk. Life needs to go on because it can't stop at a stand still and we need to learn to keep moving forward.

Leaving for another country does not necessarily mean a "Goodbye forever" to our old friends, I'd prefer to think of it as a "See you later".

I know it can be upsetting when distance slowly destroys what we once thought, was a strong bond. But it's inevitable.

You'd be fortunate enough if the same friend you spoke to 2 minutes ago, still asks and tells you all the latest gossips and updates in his/her life 20 years later. Well, I guess I'm not that lucky, but I look forward to meeting someone who can prove me wrong.

To end this post in such low spirits doesn't make me very happy, but I guess things are how it's supposed to be. People come and go, and here's to hoping that we can still laugh and talk about the golden days in the future, as though the miles apart never made a difference.

Cheers!

Love, Rosie

Dear Readers,

Once again, thank you for stopping by. It's always nice to know someone enjoys what I write, even though so far, the page views are less than impressive.

News flash! I found out there's this new movie hitting theatres soon and it's based on a book by Cecelia Ahern aka my all time favourite chick flick writer. The movie is called Love, Rosie and the book its called Where Rainbows End.

I wont be going into detail about what happened in the book because I for one, hate spoilers but let's just say it will leave you with mixed feelings in the end.

This book and movie, challenges this great question we've all been trying to figure out. "Can a girl and a boy be best friends?"

In most cases, best friends are often the same gender. Girls will tend to refer to themselves as "bitches" and the guys with their "bros" and what not. However, sometimes we do come across a couple that we think are madly in love with each other but the truth is, they're just best friends.

Just because, they are both of the opposite sex doesn't mean the "best friends" mechanism works differently. No, because regardless of what they are, they understand each other like yin and yang. Despite being complete opposite, he never fail to fill in her flaws and she will never fail to fill in his.

So is it possible, to go about daily lives with each other, laughing, gossiping and enjoying life as it is without ever letting feelings get in the way of this beautiful friendship?

Personally, I don't think there should be problem. A boy and a girl can be best friends, no doubt about that. But as they grow older, whether they choose to acknowledge their feelings is something they need to figure out.

My ideal relationship is to be with a guy that is also my best friend. I think it's easier that way. You get to know each other as friends first and when you get to that stage where feelings start to develop, there shouldn't be a need to hide it. After all, he knows you inside and out. He'll be damned if he doesnt find out, especially if he shares the same feelings too.

Oh well, that is my fantasy dream. Probably never going to happen but what's to stop me from dreaming right?

I think one of major problems would be if one of them falls for the other, and they both dont share this mutual feeling. It might ruin their friendship for good.

But.

Oh I don't know. Im no expert. I always thought, if he accepts you with all your flaws and imperfections, there should no reason why he wouldn't like you the same way.

I love my best friend. Sometimes I wish i could marry her but no i'm not a lesbian. Wouldn't it be just perfect though, if I had a guy best friend that I loved so much I wanted to marry, everything would literally fall into place. Or maybe fall out of a fairytale happy ending.

Invisible

I'm a nobody with a dream to be somebody. A figure that matters, an inspiration of some sort. To be extraordinary, living my life to its fullest. When I'm gone, I want to leave a mark, a legacy even. But that is difficult especially if your presence can't be seen, heard or felt by the ones around you.

It's terrible sometimes, being in a situation so awkward and tense, even up till the point where you feel as though your soul has evaporated into thin air, and you're just a combination of bones, in a crowd of living souls.

Up to this point, is where I can feel my throat choking back the sobs that are about to tell the world I am in pain.

Because clearly, I am visible, but painfully ignored.

Truth is, everyone wants to feel wanted. Like i mentioned, I want the world to see me.  Every crowd I join, I put it effort to be a little more outgoing. Say a little more and people will notice me, is what I tell myself. But time and time again, it is the same outcome, utterly useless.

Then, that is when society starts to tell you "Stop trying, and soon enough, they'll see you"

Well that is an overstatement. If you don't try, NO ONE will know you exist. And even if you do try, it doesn't change a thing. What am i to do, if I was born with a quiet mouth, and an average look?

The reality is that if you're not pretty, no one will see you. If you're not loud, no one will hear you. If you don't have a cracking, out of this world personality, no one will hang out with you.

Unlucky for some, we weren't born with those gifts. In the end, our best comeback would mean we still have to try to fit in. But it's painful because nobody sees the struggle except yourself. Nobody will understand how tough it is to be outspoken when you are not comfortable with it. Nobody will understand when you tell them you feel invisible. No one will understand when you tell them to not dump you aside at a party you didn't want to go in the first place.

Nobody will understand an introvert's struggle to become visible, and wanted.

What an irony, though, isn't it? Aren't introverts supposed to feel comfortable being invisible?

To me, it has always been a personal conflict. On one hand, I live to make a change in this world, And I want to be noticed in that process. But how do I make a change, if I was born with a personality so boring and un-extraordinary that no one will give me a chance to begin with?

Eighteen and e(ating)xercising

I took up Zumba lessons recently. And yes, you maybe thinking, isn't zumba for the oldies??

No, it is not. 

And to be honest, I dread every minute of it. I do. I may sound like i totally enjoy this whole healthy lifestyle but i do not. I crave McDonalds and Coco Crunch every day and it takes so much of me to look away from those delicious, fattening foods. 

Why do i still do it? Because i hate it. 

When you manifest a certain dislike towards something, the more reason it gives you face up to it. I think people from my generation, especially, tend to run away when things get hard. It's so true. In school, we're being taught to skip a math question when it's difficult. That's not right. Fair enough, exams are a race against time, but because this tactic is practiced so often it becomes a habit. A bad habit that takes forever to get rid of. 

But anyway, yes I hate zumba. It's an hour class and every sweat that drips off my face DOES NOT motivate me further. Its telling me to stop. And that is the challenge, I feel. To look at your sweaty disgusting self and say NO, we are going to finish this hour of non-stop exercising, no matter how tough it is. And when the session ends (like finally!), its super exhausting. Most of the time, I just sit there, catching every last breathe i have and gulping on gallons of water. But as you look at every other sweaty and disgusting body around you, you begin to doubt yourself. 

Am I a joke? Am i really THAT unhealthy that twenty other middle aged women can withstand this much pain and soreness as compared to me, an ordinary eighteen year old. 

I am not going to lie, but i do feel ashamed. Teens like me are supposedly stronger, but this just proves how weak and fragile we are. And because Gen-Y are such egoistic assholes, we cant bear to feel like that. And frankly, that is my motivation.

Face up to your fears fellas, it's the only way you have a shot at overcoming it.