You probably wouldn't understand the big fuss I'm making over this one year but this means so many things to me. First, it is officially the one year of independence. Well, independence is a slight overstatement considering how I'm definitely not earning enough to support myself. But I'll call this "funded independence". Haha.
So what about this one year? In this short but long space of time, I've learnt a lot about me, and more so about other people. I'll get to that in a bit but let's talk about me first (obviously).
I would say that at the beginning of September last year I was very afraid mainly because I couldn't get used to the culture, and I struggled a lot with my self-confidence. Being the only foreigner in my course, I felt my confidence drop because I thought coming from a non-English-speaking country, my English would be somewhat worse than everyone else's even though I have never felt that way before. It was the first time I took a step back and pondered if I was going to be good enough to survive through this degree. A year later, I would definitely say that my English and writing skills are not the best but they aren't the worst either. I took me a lot of convincing myself to finally understand that although I may have started out differently from other people, I, too, have something to bring to the table as opposed to what I believed a year ago. So that's quite comforting.
Another thing I'm proud of is my new place. I was meant to complete the Moving In Part Two blogpost but I never got round to it so apologies if you were curious as to how my place looked like in the end. We can always do a house tour on Skype or something. A year ago, when my parents proposed the idea of a brand new apartment, believe it or not, I strongly objected because I knew I couldn't do it all on my own. Also, having my own place has a sense of permanency to it, which I didn't want because I have plans to move again after I graduate uni. The point is, I was very reluctant. I dreaded the day where I had to buy furniture and pay bills. Grown-up work is ew. But very surprisingly, I managed. I totally did. It wasn't easy and there were days where I pulled an all-nighter trying to come up with a feasible layout in the bedrooms. I have never stayed up all night to rush assignments before but there I was, sacrificing precious sleep to find the perfect-sized study table. The moment I felt completely relieved was after I paid my first utility bill for the month. Before that, I was pretty much walking on ice. I didn't know what switches not to touch so I won't foolishly cut off my water supply or heating. I was afraid if I cooked on high heat, the fire alarm might go off and what do I do then? What if I electrocute myself because my wet hands touched the towel heater? And what time does my mail arrive in the morning? It was just trying to figure all that out. And once I did, it then hit me that I actually am living in this place. I can leave my books lying around in the living room and no one can tell me to pick it up. I can now sing beautifully in the shower without breaking someone's eardrums. I can eat to my heart's content and no one will judge me!! THAT IS FREEDOM MY FRIENDS. AND IT FEELS GOOD.
(I can't now lol because I'm overweight. Damn it)
To think that my parents were so worried that they wanted to come over and help me out. Psssssshhhh *flips hair* Other than it being the most stressful three months of my life, I'm doing just fine thank you.
Here's to the amazing me for assembling this table I'm typing on now. Yay Kimmy!
Although there were desperate times where I really needed the comfort of home and couldn't because they were so far away, I'd like to think that this distance has brought me closer to my dreams. My goal at the end of the day is like a big puzzle. Every small piece is a goal I intend to achieve which will help complete the bigger picture. I know it sounds really corny, but it's very true. In the one year, I've seen my thoughts change so much. I used to wonder about how great I would look if I was skinnier or how much better I would look if I wore make-up more often or when I would ever have a boyfriend. Truthfully, I still do but not as much as I used to. Nowadays, all I can think about is wanting to achieve those goals. Perhaps being in this environment has made me more competitive and helped me realise that my goals are actually plausible. They're not as far away or as unrealistic as I thought they were a year ago. When I was thirteen, I remember having this conversation with my dad in Pizza Hut near our house. I said to him, one day I want to work for the BBC. I didn't mean much of it at the time. My dad even replied, "Really? I don't think they pay much." Turns out he was right, my work placement is unpaid but who cares because that's a bite-sized dream happening right there! I can look back at that conversation now only because I did manage to secure a work experience with them despite it only being three weeks and unpaid.
Speaking of jobs, I've written about how difficult it has been for me to get a part-time job sometime ago. This experience of constant failure is quite new to me because my last job back home I got within one try. Over here, it's a completely different story altogether. I won't go into much detail but let's just say I've learnt a lot. When I was at my lowest and feeling incompetent, the call from the BBC felt like a silver lining. Personally I think if I didn't fail as hard as I did, the BBC wouldn't have given me this opportunity. So to whoever that is looking out for me up there, cheers mate.
Anyone who's lived away from home will understand that trying to settle in with new people is extra difficult and for the newcomer who misses home all the time (me), I always felt upset if I couldn't talk to my friends back home because of those stupid timezones. I remember when I first made new friends, I would compare them to my old friends and see if they "make the cut". I realise by doing that I was limiting myself to certain groups of people and also if new friends don't react the same way my old friends do, I would miss my old friends even more. Does that make sense or am I just rambling now? I guess all I want to say is that I might have wasted my one year hung up on my friends from back home. I always needed their comfort and I would feel insecure if we stopped talking for a while. To simply put it, I kept having doubts and that really caused unnecessary overthinking for me. It was only recently that I discovered what an amazing bunch of people I have around me right now. If I needed comfort, I wouldn't need to wait for my friends back home to wake up to tell them. I can just tell them when they're free to listen. Now, I have good friends who I can tell my problems to. I have friends who share my same views on some of the weirdest things that friends back home couldn't ever understand. It's strange how being further away from people can give you a whole new perspective that you were too blinded to see before. With that being said, friends from home are still awesome, and luckily I've found my people here too, which makes everything even better.
I feel like if I keep going you will be bored to tears so I shall stop now. Plus, I don't quite know how to conclude this post. Hmm. Oh well. If you've read all that junk, thanks man.
One year later, I think I've done pretty well. *self high-five*
Love,
Kimmy xx
