I know hate is a strong word, but if there's one thing I absolutely hate in this world, is feeling like an option to other people. It doesn't necessarily mean I must be all my friend's number one priority, but it would be nice to at least be one person's number one priority. I guess I might be feeling this way out of loneliness or if other people feel this too, but sometimes, when you're all alone with a bottle of wine, it is possible to wonder what might happen to your circle of friends ten years from now.
I can only speak for the female popularity because most of my friends are female and as girls, we tend to be quite clingy towards our friends. When we have friends whom we can connect with on a deeper level, immediately we like to label them as best friends. And the definition of best friends is that we will, no matter what, stay as the way we are for a very very long time.
It's only after I've moved here that I realised how untrue that is. And although the realisation that some of your friends that you previously considered close are no longer in contact is painful, we still have to accept the fact and get on with life. I've come to learn that at different point of our lives, our number one priority shifts depending on the people we're with. And it is also impossible to designate the number one spot to a single person because each friend caters to a different need of yours. For example, we all have that one friend who's just hilarious and a no-brainer to have at parties. But this friend might not be the right person you want when you need to get some stuff off your chest, which is why you have the listener friend who is full of wisdom and your life saviour in tough situations. All your friends, including you, play a different role in each other's lives.
I'm starting to digress again.
When I was in primary school, I had one friend whom I told everything to. We were literally inseparable. Then, for some reason, we stopped talking after I studied in Singapore. I guess if I stayed we could have been closer. In secondary school, I had loads of close friends. Again, three quarter I don't speak to anymore after I entered college. It's safe to say that thanks to my friends I met in college, I had the best time ever. It lasted about a year, and half of them I don't speak to anymore. I had two close colleagues at work whom I treated like older sisters, occasionally they would check up on me, and the last time I heard one of them is pregnant. Now that I'm in university, I spend most of my time with Lori. We don't do loads but when we do, it's never dull and if it is, we're really comfortable just hanging out and doing nothing special. Our friendship works that way and surprisingly it can only work with her. The dynamic between my other friends is slightly different but nevertheless they're all good company,
What I fear the most is that, ten years from now, inevitably, things will change. And as much as I look forward to that change, I'm not exactly prepared for what might happen to the friends I have now. Will it decrease even more as I grow older? Will I lose contact with half of my friends in the UK because I plan to move somewhere else again? Will I, at the same time, meet newer friends who might become my number one priority?
As I say that, I can hear in my head some of my friends saying "You'll always be my best friend" or "You're overthinking again." Yes, yes in fact I overthink a lot. Mainly because, after experiencing it once, I have this lingering fear that my friends might leave me.
And you might be thinking, yes friends leave, it's all part of life. But do you know what really sucks? This is me sounding rather selfish right now, but all my social skills would have been wasted! I don't want to be investing time and effort in a person when two years later, they might have completely forgotten about my existence. That isn't fair at all, is it? I don't mean to be calculative, and I suppose true friendship means doing something for the other party without expecting something in return. Fair enough, it's not good to expect from others because it only leads to disappointment but if the effort doesn't pay off, then this is no longer a true friendship, it has become a sloppy one-sided friendship, which is not beneficial to anyone.
So I've promised myself that from now on, I shall not label anyone. There shall be no list in my heart designating each spot to a different friend. Because in doing so, I will always be left disappointed if number one stops talking to me or feeling guilty if I replace number one with someone newer I've met. And also, if so-and-so stops talking to me over time, it is never anyone's fault. I need to stop blaming myself for the friends I've lost in the past and stop wronging others because they replaced me with someone else.
Your true friends are people who will check up on you whenever they see that you've tweeted something frustrating. Your true friends are the people who will talk to you despite their hectic schedules because "being busy" is one lame excuse for "I'm no longer interested". Your true friends are the people that you've never doubted because you know in your heart that they're there no matter the circumstances. If there's one thing I've realised with growing up, is that not only do you lose friends, you also begin to recognise and appreciate the real gems out of all the fake ones.
Also, don't cling onto people for the sake of just being friends. If it makes you unhappy, it's alright to head for the door. I mean if we're talking about rankings, the number one spot in your heart should always belong to you and you only. At the end of the day, your happiness matters a billion times more.
Monday 31 August 2015
Tuesday 4 August 2015
crushed.
Hi, today's post won't be about anything special, I just needed a place to vent all my anger and frustration out. (oh god, i've been having so many bad days recently I've pretty much lost count)
* sigh * let's begin.
So ever since my last post, not much has occurred except that my former roommate Lori has moved to her own place now which leaves me living in this place all by myself. It isn't too bad actually, considering I have done this before whenever my dad was overseas for a few months at a go. The occasionally creak does freak me out though but anyway,
Because I've been unsuccessful with job-hunting, I came up with a list of things I wanted to do with my free time this summer. I wanted to use this time to do more things I otherwise never would have tried, for example, attending an acting workshop. To be honest, I've always been passionate about movies and if you know me, my brain is like an Encyclopedia of actors and actresses but it never occurred to me to give acting a try, especially since I've always had bad encounters with drama students or dramatic people in general. So bottomline is, I went for this acting workshop for a week and it was completely, unexpectedly so much more fun than I imagined. We had a showcase at the end of it and it all went superb. In the same week, I got a call for an interview at this call centre I applied for. And I was obviously overjoyed. I mean, that's the first call after 42 job applications. For once, I thought to myself "my life is finally coming together. I'm having fun at this workshop, I've got a nice place, I have an interview next week, all is well with the world." That thought lasted for three days before everything crumbled again.
*sigh*
Before I went for this interview, my mom said to me to be honest with them. As you know, my family values honesty above everything else. And that's what I did. The interview was going great and I asked the lady about leaves and such because I wanted to clarify my concerns before fully committing myself to the job. Based on my last job at the hotel, I wasn't guaranteed any leave because I was only a temporary staff despite working there for eight months. Every leave I took had my pay deducted so I didn't want the same for this. Plus, I go home during Christmas break for just about three weeks before uni starts again. The lady said two weeks was the maximum they allow at any one time and she said it can be worked out if I really needed to go home for three weeks. So I didn't think it was a problem but obviously it was because I failed the interview and didn't get the job. I called my mom after the interview to tell her what happened, and she told me off for telling them about my holiday plans. In her opinion, I should have taken the job and quit right before Christmas break, which in my perspective, is an even worse solution. Anyway, by this time, I was too frustrated to do anything else. I came home, sat down before my laptop, and unknowingly burst into tears because I just couldn't do it anymore.
Even I was surprised by this. Knowing me, I don't cry when I fail. To a certain extent, I get angry at myself and I'm done. But this time, I just couldn't anymore. It felt like the burden on my shoulders got heavier and I was just crushed by all this pressure. I get that this is all part of growing up and learning new things but I don't want to do this anymore. For the first time, I heard myself say I want to give up.
What made all this even worse is that even my parents didn't seem to care that I was upset or disappointed. My mom desperately blamed me for mentioning my holiday plans and my dad, unexpectedly, said that if I can't go home because of my job requirements then I should cancel my plans and not go home at all. I don't mean to shame my parents but this is the situation I have had to deal with. How is it fair that my friends get to spend the whole summer with their friends and family and I have to be scolded for wanting to spend three weeks back home. I get that life is unfair but is it meant to be this unfair??????????
People always say that life is meant to be terrific when you study abroad. People expect my instagram to be filled with pictures with loads of friends all getting drunk at clubs. Well, I'm here bogged down with responsibilities and all I want is to run away to a cave and never come back out. All my friends get to hang out and get drunk and make memories that they can't remember the next day. I want that too, I want all of that and none of this. I don't want my own place, I don't need an apartment, I was completely contented with living in a place that was the size of a storeroom. I WAS FINE WITH ALL THAT. I WAS VERY HAPPY. How can you expect someone as inexperienced as me to know what to do and survive on my own. HOW!!!!!!! URGH.
*sigh*
I don't fish for compliments at all but sometimes it would be pleasing to hear my parents say something nice about what I'm doing. Like well done for coping this much on your own, it must have been difficult on you. You're doing great etc etc. But no. All I keep getting is blame and criticism for not being good enough, for not knowing better.
*sigh*
I'm not the best out there and I really am clueless about a lot of stuff. But I am trying my hardest and honestly, I'm just mentally exhausted and completely crushed.
Can we stop this now, please.
* sigh * let's begin.
So ever since my last post, not much has occurred except that my former roommate Lori has moved to her own place now which leaves me living in this place all by myself. It isn't too bad actually, considering I have done this before whenever my dad was overseas for a few months at a go. The occasionally creak does freak me out though but anyway,
Because I've been unsuccessful with job-hunting, I came up with a list of things I wanted to do with my free time this summer. I wanted to use this time to do more things I otherwise never would have tried, for example, attending an acting workshop. To be honest, I've always been passionate about movies and if you know me, my brain is like an Encyclopedia of actors and actresses but it never occurred to me to give acting a try, especially since I've always had bad encounters with drama students or dramatic people in general. So bottomline is, I went for this acting workshop for a week and it was completely, unexpectedly so much more fun than I imagined. We had a showcase at the end of it and it all went superb. In the same week, I got a call for an interview at this call centre I applied for. And I was obviously overjoyed. I mean, that's the first call after 42 job applications. For once, I thought to myself "my life is finally coming together. I'm having fun at this workshop, I've got a nice place, I have an interview next week, all is well with the world." That thought lasted for three days before everything crumbled again.
*sigh*
Before I went for this interview, my mom said to me to be honest with them. As you know, my family values honesty above everything else. And that's what I did. The interview was going great and I asked the lady about leaves and such because I wanted to clarify my concerns before fully committing myself to the job. Based on my last job at the hotel, I wasn't guaranteed any leave because I was only a temporary staff despite working there for eight months. Every leave I took had my pay deducted so I didn't want the same for this. Plus, I go home during Christmas break for just about three weeks before uni starts again. The lady said two weeks was the maximum they allow at any one time and she said it can be worked out if I really needed to go home for three weeks. So I didn't think it was a problem but obviously it was because I failed the interview and didn't get the job. I called my mom after the interview to tell her what happened, and she told me off for telling them about my holiday plans. In her opinion, I should have taken the job and quit right before Christmas break, which in my perspective, is an even worse solution. Anyway, by this time, I was too frustrated to do anything else. I came home, sat down before my laptop, and unknowingly burst into tears because I just couldn't do it anymore.
Even I was surprised by this. Knowing me, I don't cry when I fail. To a certain extent, I get angry at myself and I'm done. But this time, I just couldn't anymore. It felt like the burden on my shoulders got heavier and I was just crushed by all this pressure. I get that this is all part of growing up and learning new things but I don't want to do this anymore. For the first time, I heard myself say I want to give up.
What made all this even worse is that even my parents didn't seem to care that I was upset or disappointed. My mom desperately blamed me for mentioning my holiday plans and my dad, unexpectedly, said that if I can't go home because of my job requirements then I should cancel my plans and not go home at all. I don't mean to shame my parents but this is the situation I have had to deal with. How is it fair that my friends get to spend the whole summer with their friends and family and I have to be scolded for wanting to spend three weeks back home. I get that life is unfair but is it meant to be this unfair??????????
People always say that life is meant to be terrific when you study abroad. People expect my instagram to be filled with pictures with loads of friends all getting drunk at clubs. Well, I'm here bogged down with responsibilities and all I want is to run away to a cave and never come back out. All my friends get to hang out and get drunk and make memories that they can't remember the next day. I want that too, I want all of that and none of this. I don't want my own place, I don't need an apartment, I was completely contented with living in a place that was the size of a storeroom. I WAS FINE WITH ALL THAT. I WAS VERY HAPPY. How can you expect someone as inexperienced as me to know what to do and survive on my own. HOW!!!!!!! URGH.
*sigh*
I don't fish for compliments at all but sometimes it would be pleasing to hear my parents say something nice about what I'm doing. Like well done for coping this much on your own, it must have been difficult on you. You're doing great etc etc. But no. All I keep getting is blame and criticism for not being good enough, for not knowing better.
*sigh*
I'm not the best out there and I really am clueless about a lot of stuff. But I am trying my hardest and honestly, I'm just mentally exhausted and completely crushed.
Can we stop this now, please.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)