Racial Rant

Two years ago, I was so so so desperate to be considered "white". My whole life up till now, has been a journey of trying to figure out where I fit in and belong. I remember back in primary school, I tried to change my name because I wanted to be ordinary, I wanted to be like everyone else who had a 3-letter Mandarin name, my worst nightmare was having to introduce myself and having them laugh in response to my hideous name. That was when I was 7. When I was 13, I was so obsessed with trying to be "white". I figured if the Chinese-side of me didn't want to fit in, I might as well give the Caucasian-side of me a go at trying to blend in. Even up till college, if anyone immediately recognises me as Chinese, I would feel so offended. It's as if I was just waiting for someone to come up to me and treat me like I'm a "white" person.

Back then, was I really wrong to want that? We live in a world that look up to white people like they're some sort of specially gifted race. White people as a whole have better features than any other race; superficially speaking, they have pretty much won the goddamn lottery. And the fact that we live in a world that's driven by looks and impressions, it makes them seem even more worthy than everyone else. I have lived among Asians my whole life, I've seen how we react when there's a white person in the room. We literally worship them.

Think about it. We dye our hair a lighter shade because we want their chesnut brown hair. We wear coloured contact lenses because we are so sick of our boring dark brown or black eyes. We imitate accents from any American TV show because our own is just too painful to listen to. We invent fake eyelashes because we want longer lashes like them. From fake lashes, to nose jobs, to lip injections. Everything they do, we just follow along.

As an Asian, you'll know that having even just an ounce of white-ness in you, you'll suddenly be considered so much cooler than everyone else. Till this day, an Asian woman in a relationship with a White man is still something worth bragging in any Asian community, but not the other way round. A white person living in Asia is considered an expat while any other racial person living in a pre-dominantly white country is considered an immigrant. Why is that? Why are we so obsessed with white people?

To be entirely honest, one of the many reasons I decided to move to the UK was because I wanted to somewhat regain the caucasian side of me. I thought perhaps living here would change the way I sound, or living here would change the way I behave, maybe living here would once and for all prove that I'm white again. But the second day I arrived, I witnessed this scene that I, till this day, won't be able to forget and has ever since changed my perspective completely on wanting to be white.

I was on my way to school and it was a Friday morning. I had to walk past the back of this building to get to the main road, it's usually pretty quiet and that morning I saw two black persons (one male and female) in what seemed to be a heated discussion. The first thing I thought was how to avoid them, because my immature brain had me thinking that I need to evacuate every time I see a black person. But I couldn't just turn and head the other way, it would have been awkward for them and me. So I went past them and pretended like I wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation. What I assumed as compared to what actually happened were worlds apart. The black guy was upset, angry even, because he was discriminated, and he was complaining about it to his female friend. I remember he said "Why do they treat me this way? So what if I'm black? I'm still a local, I was born in the UK!"

I didn't get to hear the rest of it because I'm not a creep.

And that changed everything for me. I no longer looked at white people with envy like I used to. I no longer had the same respect for them like I used to. I no longer wanted any part of me to be like them.

This racist situation I encountered didn't even stop there. I believe it was two months into living in Salford that I was being catcalled one evening. I was wearing jeans, my coat and a long scarf, like any other normal person would during freaking winter. So I was on my way back, baring in mind this was about 4 in the evening, it wasn't dark but it was slowly starting to. I had my headphones in (thank goodness) and these bunch of guys walked past me, I couldn't tell if they were drunk or just plain stupid, but they whistled at me and said "Konichiwa bitch" repeatedly, REPEATEDLY, until I was further away enough to not hear them. I was frightened, obviously, but I remember feeling more raged with anger because not only was I catcalled, I was fucking insulted for being Asian. It got me thinking, if it was someone else, someone white perhaps, would they have done the same? As a female, it's tough enough to live feeling defenceless especially in situations like these, but to have to feel sorry for being Asian as well? Fucking hell.

A couple of weeks after this incident, my dad came to the UK for a business meeting but took a few days off to see me. When he came, I told him about the situation I saw between the two black people but for some reason, I didn't want to tell him what happened to me because I didn't want him to worry. And after these series of incidents, I came to the conclusion that any white country will always be racist, or at least will have the hardest time learning to tolerate other races because their land was monoracial to begin with. Unlike Malaysia or Singapore, we were always taught, from a very young age, the traditions and customs of other races. We always knew how to accept each other because as a nation, we have always been multiracial. I'm not saying racism doesn't exist in those two countries, it does but it is not as severe, at least that's how I view it from my perspective. But surprisingly when I said this to my father, he tried to disagree with me and said, with no supporting evidence at all, that white people aren't racist.

I've thought about this for quite some time now, I've even spoken to my white friends about it and we agreed that white people can't see racism because they have never experienced it. Have you ever seen a white person being discriminated for being white? White privilege is so obvious that even we're fooled to think that what's white must be what's normal. It's total bullshit. White supremacy is everywhere, especially in Asia, that we've all calmly accepted it to be the way it is. Why are we so embarrassed of being ourselves, why can't we seek to be more diverse instead of just blindly following white traditions, white perspectives and white opinions?

In a time span of less than ten months, I have changed completely from being this white-girl wannabe to just being me, regardless of what I'm made of. My dad will always be my dad and my surname will always be Walker. But truthfully, that doesn't count for anything because I like the fact that my name doesn't correspond to how I look, I like the fact that I'm pretty much Asian inside out, I like the food and the humidity of Malaysia, I won't trade any of that to living in a country that marginalises people based on their race.

Being Proud of Singlish

Hello hello, I don't usually write another blog post in the same week, but something occurred to me recently and I feel this incessant need to pour it out before I forget about it for good.

This is all very much my own opinion so we can agree to disagree if necessary.

I've pretty much lived in Malaysia and Singapore my whole life so in a way, I can say that I know these two countries' cultures very well (and also mainly because there's not much difference) but if you're an outsider who has never been to these places, I doubt you have heard of these term called "Singlish" or "Manglish". What they are basically is English combined with the local languages and forming a slang that everyone uses out of convenience. Just to clarify, schools don't actually teach these slangs, we just somehow know it.

Recently, I've been volunteering at the Manchester International Festival and I've been meeting a whole range of interesting people that say some of the nicest things when I tell them that I'm from Malaysia.

Just today I was speaking to this lady who is studying English but instead of learning about the actual language, part of her coursework was to explore how far English has travelled over the past few centuries and how much the language has evolved. It was a pleasant conversation and all, until she mentioned Singlish and instantly, I was like "Yay you know Singlish! But oh shit that's not good."

There are many reasons as to why I say this because number 1, Singlish, in my opinion, is a disgrace to English itself. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but Singlish is mostly broken up English with possibly the worst grammar ever, plus an added expression at the end of each sentence which has no proper explanation for its existence whatsoever. And number 2, I can't possibly be the only one who feels this, but I am so embarrassed when a white friend (or anyone unfamiliar to the language for that matter) has to listen to Singlish and try to decipher what it means. It makes me cringe so much when my brother accidentally says something to my dad in Singlish because my dad usually looks back with utter disappointment that his kids don't take after him. Anyway, it's just extremely unflattering.

But what really surprised me the most was that this lady said that as a country whose native language isn't English, we should be proud that we've managed to put a stamp on it and make Singlish truly unique to call it our own. With English being the international language that everyone all around the world must learn in order to communicate, it's easy to forget or neglect our mother tongue, which could be either Mandarin, Malay or Tamil. And I've seen so many locals in Malaysia and Singapore, who can't speak their mother tongue because they've spent their whole lives under the influence of English and nothing else. It's a shame, really. On one hand, English is a necessity but on the other, we're slowly losing touch with our roots. I remember a time where I was so angry at the fact that English has taken over the world because even my grandparents, who are close to being 90, are trying so hard to learn simple English sentences when we, the younger generation, should in fact be the ones who are learning our native dialect to make communicating with them easier.

I have to say though, even after coming here, I still can't get rid of the Singlish in me and I don't want to either. Whenever I go home or even when I'm chatting to my friends back home, all the la's and leh's just spill out like beans in a beanbag. I mean, even when I'm skyping with my mom, if I speak proper English, she'll do the same, and five minutes into the conversation, we'll both burst into giggles because we can't take each other seriously. Last year during Christmas, I met up with a couple of friends and they asked me how I managed to not get rid of Singlish or why my accent didn't change. And the minute I tried to speak without Singlish, I just couldn't do it at all. It was so odd.

But my point is, I know it's not just me, but a lot of people who leave Singapore or Malaysia to go abroad to some white country to study, will tend to feel embarrassed about their weird and uncommon Singaporean accent and will hence try to imitate other accents to fit in. I've seen it happen so many times especially when my friends or teachers meet my dad on Parent's Day. Honestly, you don't have to do that. Sure, it would be helpful to take out the unnecessary swear words every now and then but there's really nothing to feel embarrassed about. The lady I spoke to was a prime example of how white people can be just as fascinated with Singlish as we are with their thousands of accents.

My dad absolutely hated Singlish but that all changed when he saw Kumar perform and he now thinks Singlish can be equally or if not funnier than just plain old English. You know how comedians always swear just to make a joke funnier? It works the same with Asians, you can't tell a joke unless you include the phrase CCB, which in my grandparent's dialect means smelly vagina.

(But don't ever go up to an elderly in Asia to say that unless you want their whole family coming after you with feather dusters and wooden canes ready to beat the shit out of you)

The Luckiest Person I Know

With all that’s been happening right now, several people have came up to me and told me how lucky I am to have a place of my own. Apparently, the average age to be living in a house of your own is thirty-two and I am not even twenty. When I learned about this scary fact, I can assure you that I didn’t feel good about it at all mainly because I feel like I cheated. 

Yes, half of this entire experience feels like I'm cheating my way up in the world. 

Call me crazy but I actually want to live in rented house, paying the landlord every month with the money that I earned on my own. Call me insane but I don’t enjoy it when people give me expensive gifts. I don’t bask in branded goods like other wealthy kids because although I grew up in a well-to-do family, I was always raised to be prudent. Therefore, when my parents told me that I was going to be living in a brand new apartment, I cringed because this luxury was something that I didn’t deserve.

I am an ordinary person, like everyone else, trying to get a degree to better increase my employability in the future, so that one day, I too can buy a house of my own without feeling guilty whatsoever. There are also billions of other people with the same purpose and what makes me so different from them that I get a house and they don’t?

When I told my parents about how I felt, they coolly replied, “this is not about buying you a place because we think you earned it,” which I think really helped me gain a new perspective.

This isn’t about me because I’m just like everyone else, so when people tell me how lucky I am, I just have to say it’s because of my parents.

With that being the best answer I can give, I don’t like it very much because it makes me sound like a stuck-up. I don’t want to be that person that grows up to be successful because of my parents. Yes, I have always had their financial support but I don’t want that to be the only reason I have what I have. Although their money plays a crucial part in getting me where I am today, I’d like to think that I have worked hard too.

Sometimes I look at the Kardashians and I think, well they’re only famous and rich because of their family, which I now realise is a terrible accusation because I don’t know or see how hard Kendall Jenner has worked to be a stick-thin model. Perhaps her success can be credited to her family, but she deserves credit too for seizing that opportunity by using her family’s wealth.

I guess I could relate to a small extent. Sure, without my parent’s help, I would never dream of being here. But because I know there are opportunities thanks to them, I can take the chance and do something useful with my life. I mean, wouldn’t it be a pity if your parents were millionaires and you just sat at home all day wasting your life away?

And about being lucky, yes I am very lucky indeed and so is everyone else. Just because I am lucky doesn’t mean my life is any better than everyone else's. I’d like to believe that we’re all lucky human beings and we all have luck in different things. I have a great life, but I also lack in other things too, like luck in getting a job. Maybe you don’t have a place of your own, but you have tons of friends. Maybe you only have a few friends but those friendships are irreplaceable and they are the best things that has ever happened to you. See, luck changes for everyone. And what really matters is that you’re able to realise the luck you have and treasure it even more.

I thank my lucky stars everyday that I come from a family that provides me with ample of opportunities. I don’t know how long this chain of luck is going to last, but I’m sure that when it stops, I’ll be ready to work hard enough so that I won’t ever need it again.