Make A Life Worth Living

Happy Midweek!

If anyone's wondering what kind of weather I'm living in, well it's a cold and rainy Wednesday which I don't really mind because it makes up a good combination for some food for thought writing so here goes.

Just a couple of days ago, for some reason I was so fascinated by how much things have changed within a year or two. I think it started when I was browsing through the books I have to read for this semester, and I suddenly recalled how I thought I never had to study another ancient classic ever since I handed up my last Literature exam paper when I was sixteen. Yet here I am, two years later, reunited with Shakespeare.

It is funny how at sixteen, I never saw myself taking an interest in writing, especially when all I wanted to do was to perform and live on a stage. With that being said, I did question myself, I may like writing now but what if three years later, I become a psychologist?

Quite obviously, we would never know. What I do find rather mind-blowing about this, is the idea that there can be millions or endless if you will, of possibilities for the future that we may not know of, and I think it makes living so exciting.

However, despite all the twists and turns life seems to take, we never seem to realise that the freedom to be who we want is entirely up to us. While believing in "destiny" and constantly wondering about what is it "you're meant to do", we're forgetting that our fate isn't permanently written in stone, that we have full control over what we want in life, that if we wake up tomorrow and decide that we shall be the next Einstein, we can. 

Humans are capable of anything. With or without resources, we are practically unstoppable.

If you want a PhD in Celebrity Gossip instead of Accounting, then go for it. If you want to live in New York City, then work for it and when you can afford to, take that chance and go. Life is but a space of time with no definite length and while we're young and alive, I say let's go forth boldly in the direction of our dreams, because why waste precious years doing something you don't like? 

It sounds cheesy but the way I see it, this life never stays the same and there's no way of knowing what comes tomorrow. You might win the lottery or break a leg but what I'm saying is life changes and circumstances may alter for better or for worse, so while we hold onto today, make it worth.

I am very fortunate that at different stages of my life, I have had opportunities to do what I want. My parents were kind to send me to dance classes and now, well enough to send me all the way across to world to pursue writing and I am eternally grateful for it. But who knows if three years from now, I lose the inspiration to write and decide that I want to be the next Beyonce. (Touchwood, but c'mon who wouldn't want to?!) 18-year-old Kimmy would tell 21-year-old Kimmy to fucking do it anyway.

Whether it's dancing, writing or anything else, at the end of the day, I want to have checked everything off my bucket list and have #NoRegrets carved onto my gravestone because then I can tell God and His angels in heaven that it's been a life worth living. 

Love,
K.W 

18th

I turned eighteen today and to be honest, nothing changed. I didn't go out to parties like everyone else did, I just stayed home and celebrated my eighteenth birthday with my lovely roommates. It was just like another ordinary day.

My birthday used to be my favourite day of the year. Whenever October rolled in, I get all excited with countdowns to my special day. I used to absolutely hate it when the clock strikes twelve and the date changes to the 12th of October. Part of why I loved my birthday so much was mainly because of the wishes I would receive from people. Because on this particular day of the year, it was going to be all about me. I had 24 hours to fully utilise it because if I don't, I'd have to wait another 8,760 hours before I can again.

This year, the big 18 everyone was so excited about, was rather un-extraordinary for me. I was away from home and my closest friends, however, with the raving nightlife Manchester provides, I did expect my 18th to be full of dancing, partying and alcohol... in which none actually happened. Well, I guess that's fair, considering that I haven't made any close friends yet here in Salford. But to be completely honest, this birthday was so disappointing.

I guess I only had myself to blame for a disappointing birthday because of the expectations I held for it. I expected this wonderful 18th to be a blast and whatever, like how everyone describes it, and maybe because of what I was hoping for, it lead to such a bitter day.

I am angry because I thought I was worthy. Worthy enough for my friends to send me at least a "Happy Birthday". For some, I thought we were on that stage of friendship, where they would do more than just sending me a quick text. Really? With the advanced technology these days, and they couldn't even call me. Thats the worse part. After all that I've done for their birthdays, making sure every surprise party was executed perfectly according to plan, AFTER EVERYTHING, and they just brushed it off like it didn't matter. Why do I constantly put in so much effort for others, but when it boils down to me, no one could give a flying fuck. Even when I wasn't present on their birthdays, the least I did was to send a really meaningful text just to tell them how much they meant to me. And they couldn't do the same? I wasn't expecting gifts to drop out of my letterbox in the morning, no, I wasn't expecting a virtual Skype call to celebrate my birthday, no, not even any of that! All I wanted, was to feel appreciated, to be thanked for, after every single damn thing I've done for them. I genuinely thought you guys were my close friends, I actually thought I meant something to you, how silly of me to even think you would remember my birthday, or miss me even!

Which adds on to the depressing fact that I am just so invisible. It feels like ever since I moved here, I was automatically deleted from everyone's brain. Like my existence just isn't present anymore. Friends I thought were close to me, didn't even bother to wish me. Yes, even with the Facebook reminder that we all depend on, still not a word from them. That is nice, isn't it? To feel so fucking shitty on my eighteenth birthday.

It feels brilliant too, to know that I've wasted so much time on people who I thought were my friends, because clearly, I don't mean as much to them. Usually, I would say "Fuck it, let's not care", but I'm not going to lie, I do care. It isn't about having expectations anymore, it's just the mere thought that they could have done something for me but didn't. Because if the tables were turned, I would have done more without even hesitating.

And having expectations on my birthday isn't my fault. Because being eighteen is a big deal, at least that's what everyone makes it up to be. And there's nothing wrong with looking forward to it.
Can you imagine throwing a birthday party with no one showing up? Yea, because this is exactly what it feels like.

Ugh, anyway.

On the brighter side of things, birthday wishes from Facebook friends really did make me smile, because their effort to write on my wall, is a kind thought and I genuinely appreciate it. See, I don't want extravagant gifts or nightclub parties, it would be nice just to be thought about for once, okay?

My family did mail me birthday cards and they even called me which made me cry tears of joy. Honestly, family beats everything. They love me with every flaw I possess and make me feel worth it. Hearing their voices reminded me of how much I'm loved back home. Even with no friends to count on, there's always family to rely on. With that being said, I am indeed grateful for the friends who make me feel special with essay-long Instagram posts. Thanks, Viidyaa!

I know you may be reading this and thinking "this girl needs to be more thankful for what she has." Well, it isn't about what I have or don't have. It's just that I thought I meant something to people, even after all I've done, but it seems quite the opposite and I'm just disappointed. It's like working so hard on an exam to get a bad grade in return.

It's so strange how every year the birthday wishes become lesser, when it should be more because of the new people I'm meeting. Hence, goes to prove, friends come and go. And I guess that's the only way to determine who my true friends really are.

So, thanks.

Anyway, that pretty much sums up my grand eighteenth. Oh look, it's past midnight. Glad to know I wasted my favourite day of the year on nothing but sadness and anger.

Why You Should Be The First To Confess

Because
.
.
.

What the hell are you waiting for? Seriously, if you really like this dude, go up to him! The reality is, being shy and quiet will not automatically give your crush the green light to approach you. You have to do something about it. In fact, if you don't approach that cutie now, someone else will. And don't go complaining to your BFFs when you've finished second in the race. It's part of girl code that if you don't call dibs, you just have to deal with the aftermath which unsurprisingly results in jealousy and disappointments.

So take one good look in the mirror and think about how awesome you are and bravely walk up to him. An awkward hi is ten times better than nothing. 

Which brings me to my next point. You.

I'm sure at some point we've had a crush on someone and immediately thought to ourselves "Oh he's out of my league" I'm sorry, excuse me? What league? You are you. You are an amazing individual and you should be allowed to have a crush on anyone.

Now, I'm not just talking about physical looks, I'm saying it includes everything else. If you see someone remotely attractive in every aspect and you're starting to develop affection for the other party, then go for it. Don't ever think you're not pretty or smart enough for this guy because the last time I checked, there's only one of you in this universe. And your crush should feel hella lucky to have you as an admirer. However, if he doesn't, there's always someone else who will. Hang in there, buddy. A failed crush isn't the end of the world.

Thirdly, I presume, is the main reason why girls refuse to admit to their feelings first. And yes, it's because of the R word. Rejection.

You know sometimes I think, even within ourselves, we picture rejection to be the greatest enemy of life when there's nothing to be afraid of. As we grow up, we will face rejection in every aspect. One day, we will walk in to a job interview and be rejected. Does that mean we cry in front of our employer begging for a place, or do we walk off confidently to our next interview? Rejection is inevitable and if you think about it, how bad can you be rejected? 

The guy you like, I'm sure is not cruel or a sick son of a bitch. He won't hear your confession, laugh in your face and say "HAHAHA you shit face, piss off" or write on your forehead in bold "REJECTED". No, okay? That is not going to happen. However, if perchance that might occur, I suggest you crush on someone more ethical. 

Also, rejection doesn't signify the end of a friendship. Just because you have a crush on him does not mean you still can't enjoy each others' company as friends. Sure, it might be awkward for a couple of days but as long as YOU don't make it uncomfortable, you two will be back to being friends in no time.

Lastly, here's a pretty damn good reason why it should be you who does the confessing.

Have you ever been caught in a situation where your crush somehow finds out from your best friend's aunt's niece's boyfriend's sister that you like them? And how it simply complicates everything because he didn't hear it from you. Now, you're probably at that stage where you over-analyse his every move and your every conversation because you're looking for signs to know whether he likes you back.

First of all, why go through all that trouble when you can just tell him yourself? I know it can be tough to pluck up the courage to openly confess. I know because I've been there. It's not easy but it's for everyone's convenience. And secondly, it makes things easier for your crush too. Instead of hearing it through multiple sources, which I'd like to add, quite possibly would have exaggerated the situation, can be confusing for him as well. Think about it, he doesn't know what to believe and is bloody clueless on how to act on it. Is he going to pretend nothing happened? Unlikely, but he is going to ignore you for as long as you can imagine because he is just as embarrassed as you are.

Guys are not mind readers, so cut them some slack before you throw a tantrum at the friend who revealed your secret for you. 

It is 2014 and as advanced as we like to think we are, girls still prefer to play it old school and cliche, which is to wait and wait.... and wait.

How long do you plan to wait before you decide to tell him how you feel? When telepathy becomes a thing, so you won't have to do the talking?

No. Because unlike what Nicholas Sparks novels teach us, a boy and a girl rarely fall in love at first sight. Couples almost never fall for each other at the same time, in the same instant. There has to be someone brave enough to make the first move, to do the chase.

If you confess today, you are giving him time to notice or even develop feelings for you, which works completely in your favour.  

If you don't, he will never know. And by the time you've waited long enough to finally say something, he could have been secretly crushing on you this whole time, or even worse, moved on to someone else. As much as we fear rejection, guys probably do too. 

It's time to do things a little differently. Be the first one to confess. If he doesn't feel the same way about you, it's alright. Remember, it's just a crush, not a failed marriage proposal. Pick yourself up and move on with sass and confidence.

Love,
Queen B. 

First Week Of University

Having sat in a class full of creative writers on my first week of university was nothing but a terrifying experience. I say this because I was brought up in an Asian country, where English is not our main language. I have lived all my life in a place where plays are scarce and novels are gems. Here in England, as anyone would have guessed, is the complete opposite.

I can confidently say that all my course mates have immense knowledge on Shakespeare and all his plays whereas I literally know nothing about this man. Anyone in my position would be scared. Adapting to life in Salford is a struggle itself and feeling inferior to my own course mates barely made it easier.

I'm a competitive person by nature. Therefore, it's not a surprise that I have always been determined to come out on top in everything I do. We, fellow Asians, know that at some point in school, our confidence was dependant on our ranking in class. Or maybe it was just me, but nonetheless, that trait stuck with me. Sometimes, it served me well, but definitely not today.

Most of us, writers, share the same dream. To land a contract with a publishing firm and hope our novels make it to the big screens so that our bills, finances will be taken care of for the rest of our lives. With a hundred and fifty of us, who will actually fulfil that dream to make it out on top? With my lack of knowledge, I honestly felt as though I had lost the race without even starting.

I'll admit, I cried for hours, terrified at the thought of failing. I was lost and insecure. The only coherent words I could say were "I don't know", because it was true, I had no clue at all what I was doing in a class, learning ancient Japanese poems. I could feel myself distancing from my new found friends. They all shared this similar affection for novels and Literature, something I couldn't see in myself.

Thankfully, after hearing wise words from my old man and friends, I was starting to believe again and more importantly, regained the passion I temporarily lost.

We're all fighting our own battles. On some days, we'll win victoriously, on others, not so much. But if you ever feel like failing is the only option you have left, it is NOT.  If you ever find yourself crying because you feel worthless and incompatible, just breathe and tell yourself "Hang on, what can't I bring to the table?"

You ARE worth it.

And you know what? I haven't read every single book in the world but unlike everyone else, I'm here with a completely different purpose. My passion is not to write, read or over-analyse Shakespeare. I never understood any of his plays, but if it means having to do what I hate to enjoy what I love, then so be it. Because my passion is not to sell novels or write poetry, no. My passion is to inspire. Simply because words can.

Love,
K.W