All You Need Is Courage

I'm scared. I truly am terrified. There's 9 more days to take off and everyday, it's getting scarier. I'm not ready for this big of a life changer. I really am not. I can't put into words how unprepared I am for this. Living with new roommates, meeting people from all walks of life, learning to settle in an environment on foreign land, they're just the beginning of the fears that won't stop haunting me.

It just dawned on me that I am no good in writing. Can you believe it, 9 more days and it just bloody hit me like a brick to my face that writing is not meant for me. Or maybe it is? I don't know. The worst of all my fears is not knowing anything. I'm unsure, unprepared and I have close to no confidence in the career path I chose for myself. The last thing I want out of the next three years of university life is regret.

I am going to be sitting in a lecture hall full of aspiring writers, with creative juices flowing through their veins and I am going to be filled with so much envy and jealousy. Jealous that I can't be as creative as they are, jealous that they can vividly portray their imagination on paper with just a few pen strokes, so bitterly jealous that they'll have the vocabulary capabilities of a thesaurus, speaking in fancy posh words I will probably never understand.

I AM SO SCARED, OKAY?

Most of my friends have been assuring me with kind words that I am "good". Well, everyone needs to stop lying to me too. Sugar coating the truth will serve me nothing but false hopes.

I can't help but be negative all the time, especially when my roommate wants to be an author and bloody hell, she's almost there. Her language skills are insanely amazing. I mean, she talks like she's writing an essay. How the hell am i suppose to compare myself to that??

I know, i know. I shouldn't be selling myself short and the only real competition I should be afraid of is myself.

As grateful as I am for all the support, it is still rather difficult to erase all my negative thoughts.

Remember Kronk from the Emperor's New Groove on Disney? Whenever he came face to face with a dilemma, an angel and a devil would stand on either sides of his shoulder, each desperately trying to convince him with their point of views.

This feels exactly the same. Part of me wants to believe I was born to write. I believe writing lends a voice to those who are too scared to speak. It shares a voice with those who are invisible. I feel invisible too at times, but writing empowers me. I feel strong when my voice is heard and even stronger when others agree to it. Even for a short minute, I feel noticed because someone out there hears me and thus, willing to stay and listen.

Knowing that maybe one day, my voice can make a difference to improve our world motivates and inspires me. Writing, indirectly brings that dream a little closer, but to transform it into a reality is hard work. Am i ready to challenge this? I'm still hesitating to say yes.

Don't we all wish everything was easier and less terrifying? But i guess if it was, anybody could do it. All it needs is one person who is willing to sacrifice everything to make her own dreams come true. This is my passion then isn't it? A breakthrough to realising that strong desire to achieve a goal that is completely out of my league. The angel tells me anything is possible as long as I have courage to take a leap of faith.

And for once, I think I might believe her.