How It Feels To Be Just An Average Looking Person

Knowing me, I'm the kind of girl who hashtags #Flawless on her own pictures because I personally agree that most of the time, I am pretty damn flawless. So it's a fact that I don't always put myself down but there are days where I can't help it. We all go through these ups and downs anyway so here goes.

As I was browsing through my Instagram photos, I realised I still look the same three years ago. Most of my friends became prettier, fitter or had a better fashion sense and then there's me, who still hasn't dropped the glasses, still not fat but not skinny either and I still wear the same clothes from three years ago. Pretty much everyone I knew upgraded or improved, except me.

There was this guy I used to fancy many years ago and as I was going through his profile, I found out that he has a girlfriend now and I was completely fine with it. It wasn't until I realised how pretty his girlfriend was did it make me understand why he would have picked anyone else over me.

I'm a mess, aesthetically. I never bothered with make-up and my skin is terrible (not my choice, its hereditary). I used to think being make-up free made people feel more liberated and carefree but apparently not. We live in a society so superficial that showing what you really look like is beginning to feel unacceptable. And what does this say about us? 12-year olds are starting to look like 18-year olds because society gives them no room to learn that looks aren't everything. I was convinced that that was true until now.

Let's face it, looks ARE everything, aren't they? If you don't have the looks, your self-confidence immediately plunges into self-doubt, and then what are the chances at a better social/ love life? We often say that if someone has got a pretty face with a shit personality, then his or her looks don't matter anymore. Well, aren't we just lying to ourselves? Because even with a crap personality, a smoking hot boyfriend/girlfriend makes you look good and nowadays we are all about that #RelationshipGoals. And you know you will date this shit personality with the appealing face until you are convinced and fed up that you break up with them and move on to the next shit personality. We'll never learn because all we care about is what looks good on our Instagrams. All we want to hear is how envious people are of our lives. All we want to know is how many (insert emoji with heart-shaped eyes) we are.

It's completely fine to seek attention because that generates self-love. It's also kind of ridiculous if we're at that stage where we have to depend on other people for self-love. Because it creates an expectation for those people with an amazing personality and an average look. Because it makes people like me, think that we are not doing enough to gain attention, that we're constantly invisible or we're just completely unworthy of any self-love, or love at all. It makes us feel like there's nothing beautiful enough to love in ourselves. Because no matter how striking our personalities are, they are not written on our faces. And since it takes time to know someone and unlock that remarkable personality, we can't be bothered anymore. In this day and age, who's got the time for human interaction when we're always on Instagram double-tapping anything that's pleasing to the eye?

Love,
K.W

New Year, New Story

The last time I blogged, it was December 10th 2014. So much happened since; there was Christmas, New Years etc, yet within that time, I seemed to have nothing to write about (yes it happens)

And today is no different. I really have nothing deep or thoughtful to say. In order to kill space and time, I might as well give an account on what happened from the days leading up to Christmas and New Years.

Well let's see.

Before I left Manchester, I had a good time thinking about how I would feel to come home. Part of me was really happy that I could eat my favourite food (that is not pasta), sleep in a bedroom that could probably fit five elephants and obviously, seeing my friends and family. Woohoo what's there not to be excited about? However, the more rational side of me knew that this will and forever be temporary and that made me really sad. When I left in September, it didn't feel like I was moving out at all, but going back made me realise how I have in fact moved out. Having to tell people I live in Manchester now is one hell of a scary thing to say. I don't want to feel like a guest in my own home, ever. And when I got back, I tried really hard to avoid feeling like that. It worked, for a bit, but I'm leaving again in a couple of days, so in other words, I'll have to face reality one way or another.

Christmas. Where do I begin?

Right, so here's the thing. Every year in our family, we get loads and this is not bragging but LOADS of presents, it's like living in the North Pole with Santa, which was great up till when I was 12 then the thought of getting so many things I did not need was starting to become quite ridiculous. I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful person but sometimes I feel like there's other people out there who would appreciate having an extra watch more than I do. I get that Christmas is all about giving to people and I'm all for that. I get my closest friends and family loads of stuff and it's all great fun. But at times, when one is too generous, we tend to give expensive gifts to people who don't deserve that much of our time and money. And I felt that this year, for the first time, I was starting to ponder over who actually deserves a gift from me. I crossed out a few people from the list I initially had, sadly my budget was too small but even so.... Somehow I realised that this unfair world we live in, no matter how much you can love a person and want to shower them with gifts, they unfortunately don't love us back the same way. We have come to live in a society where love is conditional and calculative. As much as we hate to be part of this way of life, we kind of are. Learning to be selfish for ourselves and being selfish towards other people more or less go hand in hand. Sad to say so, but it is true. And to think that I need to evaluate who does and doesn't get gifts, is actually quite disappointing for a season that's all about giving.

On a brighter note, I had a great time having my friends over for Christmas dinner and a tipsy Karaoke session afterwards.

Now New Years. I won't go on about the "New Year, new me" bullshit because I don't think a person can change completely overnight. With that being said, I do believe there's room for improvement for everyone. And so it begins, the unattainable resolutions.

In the past, I have NEVER kept any of my resolutions. In my opinion, I think three quarter of the world population doesn't either. And for the quarter of you who does, good on you! I hope you lost all the weight in 2014 just so you can be fat for 2015. (no im kidding. i mean it sincerely, well done)

And the reason why we don't keep to those resolutions? Well, let's be real. We don't put any serious thought into new year resolutions. It's always recycling what we could not achieve in the last new year. And for most of us, our resolutions are so unrealistic. There was a year when I made so many resolutions, starting with "To lose weight" "Find boyfriend" and "Look smoking hot". Every single one of those was made irrationally, hence was clearly impossible. Maybe they are people out there who had the same resolutions as I did and kept to them (well done, you) but for me it was just too much to accomplish in one year.

365 days may seem like a decently long time but with all the hectic lives we're living, who actually has the time and energy to make these changes for themselves? Before you know it, we're face to face with 2016!

Therefore, this year, I only had one resolution. And that is to love more. Yeap, it's as simple as those two words but for someone like me, that's a challenge. While we were all reflecting over our mistakes in 2014, I realised I was too caught up in hatred and jealousy and as a result, pushed my own friends away. I did not lose them (thank god) but it was a close call. Before I moved to the UK, I thought that if I moved further away from home, I would be happier. It was stupid of me to think that happiness was something I had to search for when it wasn't. I'm still glad I moved to the UK though. It made me realise that the reason I was so unhappy and grumpy back home was because I was constantly hating and not loving enough. I hated the weather, hated my room, hated this and hated that. Only when I got here, I realised nothing changed, I was still hating on a lot of other things. It wasn't until one night, when I was hanging out with my roommates, laughing away and having a good time did I think to myself Hey I'm actually loving where I am right now.

Then it hit me that even back home, I had moments where I laughed and cried and cried out of laughter, but I never appreciated it, at all. I had even better company as well but I never saw it.  And I felt so sorry for myself for having wasted all that time thinking only about the bad when there's so much good happening around me. (Goddammit kimmy!)

So that was how I came to this new year's resolution. In 2015, I am going to love more. I'm going to love whole-heartedly but at the same time only learn to love what deserves to be loved.

It's the 8th of January 2015 today, which means it has been almost a month since I blogged. Excuse me for the incredibly long entry but you're welcome. I'm glad I could help kill time for you too.

A little late now, but Happy New Year folks! Have an awesome 2015.

Love,
K.W