18th

I turned eighteen today and to be honest, nothing changed. I didn't go out to parties like everyone else did, I just stayed home and celebrated my eighteenth birthday with my lovely roommates. It was just like another ordinary day.

My birthday used to be my favourite day of the year. Whenever October rolled in, I get all excited with countdowns to my special day. I used to absolutely hate it when the clock strikes twelve and the date changes to the 12th of October. Part of why I loved my birthday so much was mainly because of the wishes I would receive from people. Because on this particular day of the year, it was going to be all about me. I had 24 hours to fully utilise it because if I don't, I'd have to wait another 8,760 hours before I can again.

This year, the big 18 everyone was so excited about, was rather un-extraordinary for me. I was away from home and my closest friends, however, with the raving nightlife Manchester provides, I did expect my 18th to be full of dancing, partying and alcohol... in which none actually happened. Well, I guess that's fair, considering that I haven't made any close friends yet here in Salford. But to be completely honest, this birthday was so disappointing.

I guess I only had myself to blame for a disappointing birthday because of the expectations I held for it. I expected this wonderful 18th to be a blast and whatever, like how everyone describes it, and maybe because of what I was hoping for, it lead to such a bitter day.

I am angry because I thought I was worthy. Worthy enough for my friends to send me at least a "Happy Birthday". For some, I thought we were on that stage of friendship, where they would do more than just sending me a quick text. Really? With the advanced technology these days, and they couldn't even call me. Thats the worse part. After all that I've done for their birthdays, making sure every surprise party was executed perfectly according to plan, AFTER EVERYTHING, and they just brushed it off like it didn't matter. Why do I constantly put in so much effort for others, but when it boils down to me, no one could give a flying fuck. Even when I wasn't present on their birthdays, the least I did was to send a really meaningful text just to tell them how much they meant to me. And they couldn't do the same? I wasn't expecting gifts to drop out of my letterbox in the morning, no, I wasn't expecting a virtual Skype call to celebrate my birthday, no, not even any of that! All I wanted, was to feel appreciated, to be thanked for, after every single damn thing I've done for them. I genuinely thought you guys were my close friends, I actually thought I meant something to you, how silly of me to even think you would remember my birthday, or miss me even!

Which adds on to the depressing fact that I am just so invisible. It feels like ever since I moved here, I was automatically deleted from everyone's brain. Like my existence just isn't present anymore. Friends I thought were close to me, didn't even bother to wish me. Yes, even with the Facebook reminder that we all depend on, still not a word from them. That is nice, isn't it? To feel so fucking shitty on my eighteenth birthday.

It feels brilliant too, to know that I've wasted so much time on people who I thought were my friends, because clearly, I don't mean as much to them. Usually, I would say "Fuck it, let's not care", but I'm not going to lie, I do care. It isn't about having expectations anymore, it's just the mere thought that they could have done something for me but didn't. Because if the tables were turned, I would have done more without even hesitating.

And having expectations on my birthday isn't my fault. Because being eighteen is a big deal, at least that's what everyone makes it up to be. And there's nothing wrong with looking forward to it.
Can you imagine throwing a birthday party with no one showing up? Yea, because this is exactly what it feels like.

Ugh, anyway.

On the brighter side of things, birthday wishes from Facebook friends really did make me smile, because their effort to write on my wall, is a kind thought and I genuinely appreciate it. See, I don't want extravagant gifts or nightclub parties, it would be nice just to be thought about for once, okay?

My family did mail me birthday cards and they even called me which made me cry tears of joy. Honestly, family beats everything. They love me with every flaw I possess and make me feel worth it. Hearing their voices reminded me of how much I'm loved back home. Even with no friends to count on, there's always family to rely on. With that being said, I am indeed grateful for the friends who make me feel special with essay-long Instagram posts. Thanks, Viidyaa!

I know you may be reading this and thinking "this girl needs to be more thankful for what she has." Well, it isn't about what I have or don't have. It's just that I thought I meant something to people, even after all I've done, but it seems quite the opposite and I'm just disappointed. It's like working so hard on an exam to get a bad grade in return.

It's so strange how every year the birthday wishes become lesser, when it should be more because of the new people I'm meeting. Hence, goes to prove, friends come and go. And I guess that's the only way to determine who my true friends really are.

So, thanks.

Anyway, that pretty much sums up my grand eighteenth. Oh look, it's past midnight. Glad to know I wasted my favourite day of the year on nothing but sadness and anger.