Being Alone Is Not A Bad Thing

I had the most wonderful time Christmas shopping today because I got loads of gift ideas and also, I shopped alone. Now before you think I'm weird for enjoying alone time, let the truth be told; I like being alone. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends to bits and having company is awesome but sometimes when it's all too much to handle, I do appreciate a time-out. I didn't realise how much I needed it ever since I came here until I went out today.

Every now and then, whether you are an extrovert or an introvert, we all do need some time alone. Personally, I like being away from people I know and ironically, I immerse myself with more people I do not know. It may sound strange but I really do like being in a busy town on my own.

I remember as a kid, whenever I saw a person eating alone, I would assume that he or she had no friends. Maybe you didn't think that way, but I definitely did. I mean, why wouldn't I? Movies and cartoons always showed that one weird kid who sat alone during recess and 9 times out of 10, this kid had no friends.

It was because of this false mindset that led me to fear solitude until recently. I know people who are afraid of doing things alone. I know because I used to be scared of eating alone. I dreadfully feared shopping alone and even simple things like going to class. I always needed someone to go with me simply because there was no way in hell I wanted people to assume I was that weird kid with no friends.

It is pathetic when I come to think about it. Thankfully, I learned that being alone and being lonely are not quite the same. It turns out I was not afraid of being alone, I just feared being seen alone because of what others might think of me.

Then of course, I grew up and eventually learned to ignore the weird stares I was getting. Solitude is a beautiful thing and if you are afraid of being alone, I am about to tell you why you shouldn't.

One of the greatest things about being alone is the freedom you and only you possess.

We can all agree that shopping with friends can be great fun, but waiting for them is not. While you do miss out on their second opinions shopping alone, let's just think about not having to wait or go into shops you dislike. Plus, you can take as long as you want in the changing room admiring yourself in your soon-to-be favourite jeans without feeling bad about making someone else wait for you.

The freedom to do whatever the hell you want and no one is holding you back. Why not?

Another thing I picked up today was how oblivious we all are. We don't realise what's happening around us because we are constantly on our smartphones creeping up on other people's lives, when life is in fact, happening before us. I was alone in a cafe this afternoon and just by doing nothing, I discovered that guys do gossip about their controlling girlfriends. (Funny how we thought they didn't.)

It was not important at all but my point is, it is interesting how much we learn about people, just by observing them. I always catch myself people-watching the most when I'm alone. Maybe because when I'm out with friends, I don't tend to pay any attention to my surroundings. But it makes a little sense doesn't it? That we unconsciously learn something when we observe people.

Like I said, having company is always fun but there are days where we all need a break and that's when being alone becomes enjoyable.

To those who fear being alone, like I used to, here's a good tip that helped me tremendously: Stop being so self-conscious because the truth is, no one cares. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to judge you for being a loner. Sure, people will stare for a second or two but they will move on, like how you will finally realise that solitude is bliss.

Love,
K.W

Coping With Loss

At some point of our lives, we have to experience loss. Well actually, we have all lost something or someone before, whether it's our first teddy, first iPod, first love etc. And just for that brief second the pain is somewhat unbearable because the presence of something once so cherished to us is not there anymore. If we're talking about a soft toy or an iPod, money can easily buy a brand new one. But what money can't buy is what the heart can feel, like love, guilt and especially the pain of losing someone.

I have not lost someone close to me before, not in that way, so I don't have the right to talk about it. I have experienced the loss of a friendship though and something like that isn't as painful to deal with, but it's never easy to get over either.

It is really painful isn't it? When you say to someone "Oh I used to be close to him/her." It hits you with a sense of nostalgia, because in that moment, all the good memories you shared just flashes instantly and you have to put that thought away in your head for a minute, before you sink into deep sadness.

I had a really close friend once, and we fell out. If I was being easy, I would say it's my fault. But the way I saw it, we just grew out of each other. Things about her I used to adore, now I find annoying. And for some reason, I felt like every time we spoke, it was always about her and hardly about me. It became a one-sided friendship, I felt like I was giving in all the time. And I was so sick of it. It being the way I was treated, not her. I could never be sick of her because she's my reflection. We're two sides to a coin, everything she likes, I like too. Our mutual interest was what made our friendship work so well, but our differences were so different, it carried us further away from each other than we thought.

Sometimes, I blamed it on the fact that we were separated for too long that her absence annoyed me and it lead to a dislike of her. Knowing myself, when I develop a dislike for someone, it's a continuos downhill from there and there's no way of liking them the same way ever again. I might sound unreasonable, but forgiveness, like trust has to be earned. And I find it so hard to forgive, especially when she did me no wrong. It has come to a stage where I now look at her and I can only feel irritated. Her entire person, her standing in front of me, just irked me in so many ways.

I can't quite put my finger on it but I know for certain that I am jealous of her. She has the most perfect family, boyfriend, and friends around her. She doesn't know it, but she does. And when I say perfect, sure they have flaws of their own, but they are indeed perfect for her. And to think that we started out the same, both a nobody, constantly left feeling invisible, she now lives a better life than me. And when I realised, I had a part in making her life the way it is now, I got angrier. Being selfless made me turn against my friend, jealousy turned me into a bitch.

That was my loss. I lost a really good friend and I can't put my thoughts away when I think about her in the middle of something. I can't cope to be honest. When I spot something on the street I would like, I think about us. And it's not something easy to get over at all.

Life goes on, however. And very fortunately too, I feel. Being stuck in the emotional state of sadness does no one any good, so the great thing is, it doesn't last. When reality hits again, the emptiness one feels from loss will eventually fill with other things like work, studies etc. It might not replace what was felt, but it does fill the glass half empty with new experiences, new adventures and definitely new feelings. With every loss, comes a new gain. Sure, it might take forever to move on, but hey, that's the only way.


Love,
K.W

Celebrating Success, Big or Small

So, I wrote an article and it was published on Thought Catalog (YAY!The link is here: http://tcat.tc/1tNftUk) yesterday and I am so so so so so happy, it's unbelievable. It's been more than 24 hours since it went online and I am still shaking every time I think about it. I know it's not that much of a big deal because anyone who's anyone can write and most certainly have it published on a website. It's a bit different for me though.

Ever since university started, I've been feeling incredibly inferior. Not that I want to, I just can't help thinking that because I am Asian, studying among talented and creative writers, it doesn't make me good enough. And to get an email saying that my work was published on such a well-known American website, it was exactly the confidence boost that I needed. 

Once again, it probably isn't much but you can imagine it meant a lot to me. 

Not going to lie, after I found out, I was practically dancing in my room, doing shimmies and chanting fuck yea continuously until I felt sinful for swearing. But yes that was my way of celebrating my mini triumph. Now if you know me, you're probably like really? This girl? Celebrating? No.

Well, fair enough, I come off as quiet, boring and invisible but I do like to celebrate. I just think it's a good excuse to have a fun time when you find something as silly as this to celebrate about. This is probably also the reason why I place a lot of emphasis on birthdays and anniversaries, simply because everyone gets to be happy. And celebrating success, whether its a mini achievement or landing the job of your dreams, is a must.

You see, it's important to be proud of what you've achieved, no matter how insignificant it might be to others. After all, it is what you have done and only you can fully appreciate the sense of achievement it provides. Not everyone witnessed the effort I put in every night to write a good blog post and certainly no one knew how long I've been trying for this. Celebrating, for whatever reason, whether it's a treat to yourself, or another person, makes up for a better day, so why not? We have enough to worry about on a daily basis that it leaves us almost no time take in and appreciate the positive things happening. Plus, while you can, make the most out of it before a new pile of work lands on your table tomorrow and you have no chance to celebrate the joys of being promoted.

I felt great when I received a couple of congratulations messages and 20 likes on the article. I was smiling away like a lovestruck idiot when people were happy for me because of something I worked hard for. It just made me realise how worth it this little achievement was because it was making the people around me happy. (i'm still so happy omfg)

Anyway to end this off, I hope you didn't think reading this has been pointless or a waste of time and if you're serious all the time like I am, I hope you'll start giving yourself some credit instead of always letting your hard work go unnoticed. Open that bottle of champagne, eat Ben & Jerry's, spend the entire night watching Netflix, and shimmy like Hugh Grant because you, my friend, fucking deserve it.

Love,
K.W 

Hello November

It's 7.00am and I am knackered. I've been trying to get started on my poetry assignment which is proving to be quite a challenge already. First assignment and I'm struggling, I can't even begin to imagine what the next three years is going to be like.

I know I tend to say this a lot, but only because I feel this way. And no one can tell me if I'm right or wrong to be feeling inferior. It's nearly impossible to find someone who can understand how tough it is to gain self-confidence when I am a true blue Asian with no A levels qualification or any substantial Literature knowledge to attempt at an English degree. Some may say I'm brave or courageous to have done this, and on my good days, I do feel like it's an achievement but otherwise, I often think it's an abrupt and foolish decision made with no prior consideration. 

Having said that, it gives me a clearer reason to study and work harder. After all, I called the shots and if there's anyone to blame now, it would be me but really, what's the use of that when I'm here at the expense of my parents? 

Almost everyone I've met told me that university was going to be the best three years of your life and it will fly past unbelievably quick and I have to agree with the latter. Seriously, October felt like ten minutes and Christmas decorations are already out EVERYWHERE. 

Am I having the best time ever? Not so far. I have been going out recently and attempting to socialise or whatever but I have not found my own friends yet which sucks big time. 

No one likes being the person who tags along with everyone else and sadly that is what I am now. I seem to be really quiet for some reason and I don't like it at all. I miss the me who won't shut up and can literally go on forever about the most random things. It's not that I don't want to talk, I just tend to feel bored, like everyone's topic of interest just doesn't interest me at all. 

Besides, most people spend their time out in clubs partying and getting drunk which isn't something I can judge them for because it is indeed the British culture and it's good exposure for me anyway, I'm still trying to figure out if I enjoy it at all though. I don't really like the idea of relying on alcohol to have a good time, the thought of waking up the next day hungover and not remembering anything doesn't seem appealing to me in any way. I miss going out and having a laugh with my good friends and just really soaking up each other's energy and company. That is my definition of "having a good time". 

You can call me square because that is how much of a loser I am but there's no shame to it. 

However, I did go out on Halloween dressed as Beyonce and I was #Flawless. Alright maybe not, but channeling my inner Queen B to heavy metal music is not easy and I danced a lot anyway (yay) even though I barely knew any of the songs they were playing. Really can't help that I enjoy mainstream music more. 

While I was walking around Manchester like a tomato head from the tiny sips of alcohol I drank, the whole night in general was good fun. 

That pretty much sums up my uneventful October and here's to a better month filled with tons of reading and assignments to complete. 

Pumped! 

Love, 

K.W