All You Need Is Courage

I'm scared. I truly am terrified. There's 9 more days to take off and everyday, it's getting scarier. I'm not ready for this big of a life changer. I really am not. I can't put into words how unprepared I am for this. Living with new roommates, meeting people from all walks of life, learning to settle in an environment on foreign land, they're just the beginning of the fears that won't stop haunting me.

It just dawned on me that I am no good in writing. Can you believe it, 9 more days and it just bloody hit me like a brick to my face that writing is not meant for me. Or maybe it is? I don't know. The worst of all my fears is not knowing anything. I'm unsure, unprepared and I have close to no confidence in the career path I chose for myself. The last thing I want out of the next three years of university life is regret.

I am going to be sitting in a lecture hall full of aspiring writers, with creative juices flowing through their veins and I am going to be filled with so much envy and jealousy. Jealous that I can't be as creative as they are, jealous that they can vividly portray their imagination on paper with just a few pen strokes, so bitterly jealous that they'll have the vocabulary capabilities of a thesaurus, speaking in fancy posh words I will probably never understand.

I AM SO SCARED, OKAY?

Most of my friends have been assuring me with kind words that I am "good". Well, everyone needs to stop lying to me too. Sugar coating the truth will serve me nothing but false hopes.

I can't help but be negative all the time, especially when my roommate wants to be an author and bloody hell, she's almost there. Her language skills are insanely amazing. I mean, she talks like she's writing an essay. How the hell am i suppose to compare myself to that??

I know, i know. I shouldn't be selling myself short and the only real competition I should be afraid of is myself.

As grateful as I am for all the support, it is still rather difficult to erase all my negative thoughts.

Remember Kronk from the Emperor's New Groove on Disney? Whenever he came face to face with a dilemma, an angel and a devil would stand on either sides of his shoulder, each desperately trying to convince him with their point of views.

This feels exactly the same. Part of me wants to believe I was born to write. I believe writing lends a voice to those who are too scared to speak. It shares a voice with those who are invisible. I feel invisible too at times, but writing empowers me. I feel strong when my voice is heard and even stronger when others agree to it. Even for a short minute, I feel noticed because someone out there hears me and thus, willing to stay and listen.

Knowing that maybe one day, my voice can make a difference to improve our world motivates and inspires me. Writing, indirectly brings that dream a little closer, but to transform it into a reality is hard work. Am i ready to challenge this? I'm still hesitating to say yes.

Don't we all wish everything was easier and less terrifying? But i guess if it was, anybody could do it. All it needs is one person who is willing to sacrifice everything to make her own dreams come true. This is my passion then isn't it? A breakthrough to realising that strong desire to achieve a goal that is completely out of my league. The angel tells me anything is possible as long as I have courage to take a leap of faith.

And for once, I think I might believe her.

The Big Countdown

With 18 more days left to take off, just like every other kid that's leaving home, I'm feeling a whole lot of nervous with a slight tinge of excitement. 

Yet with every passing minute, the anxiety grows while the happy kid inside, who had always dreamed of going to the UK, diminishes slowly.  It's quite strange really, but based on all the stories I've heard from friends and relatives who has left, this seems to be very normal. 

Speaking to all fellow freshmen out there, have you ever stopped in the midst of all the college applications and thought to yourself, is this really what I want?

Is it really what YOU want, or is it what your parents or everyone else wants?

I do tend to hesitate over the answer to that question and I'm positive most people do too. I'm not even sure if Creative Writing is what I want for my future. I mean, yes, I do enjoy writing, and I love it at times, but to be honest, compared to so many others, I don't think I'm even qualified.

It wasn't easy, watching some of my friends heading into a course they have no interest in, merely because they were blinded by the outcome of a successful career, big houses, Aston Martins etc.

Yet two weeks after, they're moaning over how much they hated it, I guess they can't be blamed really. Much like myself, sometimes I do wonder if I am blinded by J.K. Rowling's billionaire status.

But hey we are barely twenty, we are allowed to make mistakes.

It's just a pity these mistakes come at a great loss, and it is one we can't bare to afford.

My heart ached at the sight of my parents issuing cheques for my tuition fees while I was applying for the course I wanted. What if I don't succeed as a writer ten years later? I can't possibly tell them that the money they spent was all a complete waste. I think part of what really worries me is that I don't even have the confidence in what I chose for myself.

The possibilities of screwing up is endless but so is the possibility of succeeding and becoming the future editor of Cosmopolitan. Let's just hope its the latter. :)

What Being Rachel Feels Like

If you thought I was referring to Rachel from Friends, then I apologise to have kept your hopes up. However, for those of you who don't recognise this scene, it's from the movie Something Borrowed. If you've read and enjoyed the book as well, then I guess you would be able to relate to what I'm about to say. 

Friendships can be the most amazing thing. Finding a friend who has experienced your ups and downs, is hard to come by. Especially after the countless giving ups and giving ins, it's almost impossible to feel assured if a friendship was meant to last. 

Many times in the past, I forged closed bonds with friends, only to find that it was doing me no good, poisonous, in fact and by the time I realised this, it was always too late to regret.

It hurts to watch ourselves tolerate so much bullshit from the people closest to us. Yet so ironically, we kept our mouths shut and all the dissatisfactions were locked away for good, all for the one person we loved and adored.

Despite all the unfair treatments, we stuck by when they needed us. Despite being labelled as "this girl who hangs out with Darcy" or "Darcy's best friend" and completely losing your own identity to their fame and popularity, we shrugged it off like it didn't hurt a single bit. We surrendered to every fight there was and apologised even when we did nothing wrong. But to not lose them, we said our sorries anyway.  

I understood when you said you didn't mean to betray me after you took what was mine. I even blamed myself for helping you out by retreating to the shy, invisible girl I was so you could keep batting your eyelashes at the guy I liked for so long. With your wits and outgoing personality, you knew without a doubt that you could beat me to anything, and you did. I held back the tears when I realised I was never your first choice, and that someone else would easily replace me. I told myself it didn't matter if you only considered me as your second best, when it obviously did. 

You know what else hurts just as bad? The thought that we were disposable to a friend we deeply cherished. And the worst part, is knowing that if the tables were turned, they would have left in a heartbeat. And against all odds, we chose to stick around, hoping that maybe one day they'll appreciate what we've done and maybe one day, they won't take our sincerity and trust for granted. 

It sucks really, constantly being the loser. But it doesn't always have to end that way. 

The part I admired most about Rachel was the courage she took to say NO. Sometimes, we need to step back and ask ourselves whether some things are worth fighting for and if this "friendship" is what we want. 

I learned that you make your own happiness, and going for what you want, very often means losing something else, even if it's someone you have treasured for a great amount of time.

Yeap. 
With all my love and hate and every other emotion I'm feeling right now,
Kimmy. 

5 Things To Do When You're Having a Bad Day

Well, today wasn't a good one.

I went for a round of golf this morning, only to discover (again) that I still suck despite the hours of practice. Seriously, why is it so difficult to be good at something? 

And a series of other things happened, including a confession, a confrontation and a little bit of crying. Yikes.

Therefore, today's post is a list of things I do every now and then to prevent my days going from bad to well, as worse as it can get. Or the things I do to cheer myself up. And hopefully, you'll find it useful too.

1. Get off social media 

Every teen's daily routine goes like this : Wake up - get out of bed - frantically search for iPhone - opens twitter - end of day

THIS, is wrong. Personally, I find that 95% of my problems come from social media. Seeing a tweet from someone you don't like early in the morning is a terrible way to start your day, so yes, avoid at all costs. Besides, go read the papers, and get in touch with what's happening in the real world, until there is a must to log into Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/MySpace etc   

2. Spend quality time with the ones closest to you 

Once again, spending quality time does not mean sitting in a room staring at your smartphones and communicating through games requests. No. 

If you happen to be a family-oriented person like I am, this is your best way of getting out of a bad day. 

Having younger siblings around the house can be great way to cheer yourself up, especially if they're younger than 10 and have fat, chubby cheeks. (Yes, I am totally obsessed with my sister but whatever, moving on). I love my family to bits, every single one of them. Especially for someone who's leaving to UK pretty soon, when I do have the chance, we make special plans to have a movie marathon together, which is perfect for whatever day I'm having.

3.  Movie marathons

The best part about this is that it can be done alone, because you won't need to be bothered by anyone else's opinion on which Spiderman sequel was better. I'm a hardcore "Stonefield" shipper so don't even get me started.

Or if you prefer to grab a group of friends to watch it together, it still guarantees a great time, except you would need to prepare junk food and homemade popcorn and drinks and even tidy up the house a little, which is a lot of work and not really suitable for someone as lazy as I am.

The beauty of movie marathons, it disconnects you from the outside world for as long as you want, and that is exactly what you need if you're having the worst day of your life.

4. Talk to someone you can trust

This really isn't my go-to-remedy when I'm feeling down but it works... sometimes.

I'm very well aware that if one keeps their frustrations bottled up for a long time, soon enough, they are going to explode. Which is why it doesn't hurt to speak to someone you trust.

The only three people I trust on the face of this planet is my mom, my best friend and my diary.

In every difficult situation, you are going to need someone who has been there, done that to give you the most logical advice and that's what moms are for. After all, momma knows best!

Best friends are like essential punching bags, mute, durable and always there when you need a good punch. On our bad days, we don't need anyone who will understand our problems, or rather someone who will fix our problems for us. No, what we need is someone who will LISTEN. I can't stress how bloody important this is, which is why I said you should only talk to someone you can trust. I trust that my best friend can handle me at my worst days and I trust that she knows what to do to cheer me up. There is no point in speaking to someone who won't listen, let alone care to understand your annoyance.

5. Sleep  

As lame as this sounds, it works all the time. When all else fails, a good nap should do the trick, that is if you have time on your hands of course. Whenever I get angry, I tell myself, let's just leave it for a day. If I wake up tomorrow and it doesn't bother me anymore, it probably wasn't a big deal to be dealt with anyway.

Keep this in mind, we all have our bad days, but it shouldn't stop us from having a good time. It would be a waste wouldn't it, that the time you spend being upset and emotional, could have been the best day of your life.

The 24 hours of today, will not shape the 24 hours of tomorrow, so it's your choice really. Is it going to be a good or bad one? 

See you later, old friend

I don't need anyone. I think partially why i tell myself this is because when someone leaves me, it will hurt less. And the truth that we all know is that people will leave us all the time, and you'd be very lucky enough to have one who sticks by through thick and thin.

One of the struggles of studying abroad is definitely going to be all the family and friends you leave behind, how you're gonna be so homesick and how you'll miss them blah blah blah. Yeap we've heard it way too many times.

I've had friends who left my side and to be honest, the first few months was unbearable. How the different timezones can be such a pain in the ass especially when I want to talk to them and what not. But after a while, I began to realise that they have moved on, and quite quickly i might add. They start posting pictures of their new school, new friends and all the cool stuff they're doing without me. Its heartbreaking, knowing that they'll be sharing new memories with new people and too often, it makes me very jealous.

Yes it is tragic. A friendship I thought was worth a lifetime suddenly seems like it was only for the time being. And what's worse,is beginning to feel as though I was merely just a passerby, helping them get through the 10 months of college.

I experienced this so-called "phase" when my friends left me but I've moved on too. And soon enough, the friends I leave behind will feel the same way.

Or maybe not. I'm completely invisible, no one will even notice my absence anyway.

But the point is, I think this is just the way it is. Across all different stages of our lives, we'll be with different people, and all these unique individuals we meet are going to define who we are and who we're meant to be. It sounds exciting yet it carries a sense of bitterness.

I do look back at old photographs and reminisce about the good times and how I wish I could relive them again. But the sad truth is, looking back at the good old days just proves that the only thing left in our friendship are those fond memories we will never forget.

Truly, time and tide waits for no man. And just because our old friends have left us does not mean we should stick around crying over spilt milk. Life needs to go on because it can't stop at a stand still and we need to learn to keep moving forward.

Leaving for another country does not necessarily mean a "Goodbye forever" to our old friends, I'd prefer to think of it as a "See you later".

I know it can be upsetting when distance slowly destroys what we once thought, was a strong bond. But it's inevitable.

You'd be fortunate enough if the same friend you spoke to 2 minutes ago, still asks and tells you all the latest gossips and updates in his/her life 20 years later. Well, I guess I'm not that lucky, but I look forward to meeting someone who can prove me wrong.

To end this post in such low spirits doesn't make me very happy, but I guess things are how it's supposed to be. People come and go, and here's to hoping that we can still laugh and talk about the golden days in the future, as though the miles apart never made a difference.

Cheers!

Love, Rosie

Dear Readers,

Once again, thank you for stopping by. It's always nice to know someone enjoys what I write, even though so far, the page views are less than impressive.

News flash! I found out there's this new movie hitting theatres soon and it's based on a book by Cecelia Ahern aka my all time favourite chick flick writer. The movie is called Love, Rosie and the book its called Where Rainbows End.

I wont be going into detail about what happened in the book because I for one, hate spoilers but let's just say it will leave you with mixed feelings in the end.

This book and movie, challenges this great question we've all been trying to figure out. "Can a girl and a boy be best friends?"

In most cases, best friends are often the same gender. Girls will tend to refer to themselves as "bitches" and the guys with their "bros" and what not. However, sometimes we do come across a couple that we think are madly in love with each other but the truth is, they're just best friends.

Just because, they are both of the opposite sex doesn't mean the "best friends" mechanism works differently. No, because regardless of what they are, they understand each other like yin and yang. Despite being complete opposite, he never fail to fill in her flaws and she will never fail to fill in his.

So is it possible, to go about daily lives with each other, laughing, gossiping and enjoying life as it is without ever letting feelings get in the way of this beautiful friendship?

Personally, I don't think there should be problem. A boy and a girl can be best friends, no doubt about that. But as they grow older, whether they choose to acknowledge their feelings is something they need to figure out.

My ideal relationship is to be with a guy that is also my best friend. I think it's easier that way. You get to know each other as friends first and when you get to that stage where feelings start to develop, there shouldn't be a need to hide it. After all, he knows you inside and out. He'll be damned if he doesnt find out, especially if he shares the same feelings too.

Oh well, that is my fantasy dream. Probably never going to happen but what's to stop me from dreaming right?

I think one of major problems would be if one of them falls for the other, and they both dont share this mutual feeling. It might ruin their friendship for good.

But.

Oh I don't know. Im no expert. I always thought, if he accepts you with all your flaws and imperfections, there should no reason why he wouldn't like you the same way.

I love my best friend. Sometimes I wish i could marry her but no i'm not a lesbian. Wouldn't it be just perfect though, if I had a guy best friend that I loved so much I wanted to marry, everything would literally fall into place. Or maybe fall out of a fairytale happy ending.