This post is rather belated considering my first year ended on the 20th and it's the 30th today but anyway let's get on with it.
I can't properly articulate my emotions right now because I am literally still in denial that the first year of university has ended just like that. For some reason, I have never felt this "shock" with college or secondary school, but for university, it's an interesting revelation. On one hand, I'm glad it's over because here's to the three months of summer that I can do nothing with, but on the other hand, it means two more years of university and I'll be forced out of education and into the adult world. While two years is still a lot of time, that thought of finishing education for good still sits at the back of my mind and from time to time it's quite scary to think about.
This past year has opened my eyes to a lot of things. First of all, I never realised how uncertain I was with myself. Growing up, I have always been very clear about what I wanted, including my career, my dream car, even my dream apartment. I pretty much had everything mapped out and all I needed was money so I could go ahead and pursue them. Even when I faced difficulties in the past, I would cry about it for an hour or so and get on with Plan B. I was very certain with everything. Now, I just don't know anymore. In the past year of living independently, I have cried a lot and I have also pondered a lot. If anything, in the past year, I have doubted myself the most.
If you knew me before, you would know that I don't doubt myself, ever. I am the kind of person who knows what I'm good at and I go at it confidently and ambitiously. So this uncertainty I feel comes as a surprise and to be honest, I absolutely hate feeling incompetent. But in my case, it's so difficult to be confident in what I do.
To begin with, I am in a Creative Writing course for goodness sake. The me last year would never have pictured this, not even in a million years. And what's worse, being in an English course, my future prospects are either teaching or a best-selling novelist, there is literally no in-between. Teaching is a future I want to avoid and a novelist? Are you kidding me? I'm no Stephen King for crying out loud, where in this future do I stand? Do you see why I am constantly worried? In a course of about a hundred people, I am the only Asian and that puts me at a great disadvantage already. Among those hundred people, we all want the same thing but how many out of all of us will eventually become the greatest TV writer ever? I know for sure the possibility of that being me is tiny because miracles don't happen to me. For my whole life, I have only depended on hard work because talent is not something I possess. With that being said, hard work can only carry you far in life to a certain extent. There are thousands of people out there who write their butts off and still don't get noticed. This is ultimately my biggest fear. Unlike engineers and doctors, a career in writing is completely undecided.
If I'm honest, I have been living everyday questioning my purpose and praying like nobody's business that one day all this hard work will pay off. As I've said before, not living the life I imagine is going to be my biggest disappointment and it's something I will never forgive myself for.
As human beings, I feel like we are hard-wired to dwell on the worst case scenario even when the odds are probably in our favour. At this point, the chances of succeeding is bleak but there's a part of me that still wants to believe it's possible. My teacher used to say that taking a leap of faith means believing in something completely intangible. Being passionate means pouring your heart and soul into something while fully acknowledging the worst case scenario. I'd like to think that this is what I'm doing. At the end of the day, if I do become a teacher, I'd like to say that I tried my best pursuing the career of my dreams. After all, a one percent chance is still a higher probability than a zero percent and gambling on that one chance is going to be worth it if I'm willing to bet on myself.
That is my only comfort when I'm upset and when my pillars of support are on the other side of the planet. Living away from my family is, without a doubt, difficult, but it taught me how to stand on my own two feet. I guess in its own way, it's rewarding. But yea, if I could sum up first year in a word, it would be rewarding. Everything that I have learnt in university, from scriptwriting to using theories like feminism and marxism etc, it's been one hell of a school year.
Here's to three months of summer and two more years of assignments and exams. Yay.
Love,
Kimmy
Saturday 30 May 2015
Saturday 9 May 2015
LOVE MORE, PEOPLE.
Ten minutes ago, I read an article on Thought Catalog about how, as people, we need to be more caring. And I absolutely loved the piece because I agree a 1000%.
I don't know how long this has been happening but I realised it became a trend to be mean to people, to see yourself as more superior than others because it makes you feel cool. When did society become a competition to see who's cooler? Huh? We don't need to live in anxiety that if we're not deemed cool enough, we will be considered outcasts. We don't need that kind of shit in our lives. That's nonsense. And when did caring less become the new "cool" thing to do ? It's stupid. Being mean may have been cool when you were twelve and you idolised Sharpay Evans. But when you're almost twenty and entering adulthood? No. Being rude to people is just not nice and generally unappreciated so please cut the crap. Just be the person who cares more. Just be that and your life will infinitely be better.
I know in relationships the one who cares more will always have the hardest time moving on and out of fear of heartbreak, people decide to shut themselves away from feelings. (Guilty as charged lol) but I've always told my friends who were/ going to be in relationships that it's fine to care more. It shows you have a heart that feels and I don't see anything wrong with that. I know girls who don't text guys because they don't want to seem clingy. Here's a solution, do it anyway. Be clingy because you know what, fuck what other people think. For all you know, the guy probably likes that you text often, because it shows that you care and WE ALL LIKE TO BE CARED ABOUT DON'T WE?
Text them anyway. Part of what makes being alive so exciting is the ability to feel the full spectrum of human emotions; from the dark pits of sorrow to happiness that literally makes you feel like flying over the moon. Feel it anyway. Be in touch with your emotions. Being able to express how you feel is NOT a sign of weakness and it certainly shows bravery. I used to shut myself away from people and bottled up pretty much all my feelings to protect my pride and ego. And to only realise now that it was extremely foolish of me. If anything, life was duller and more disheartening.
Learn to let go and be honest with life. If you're upset, go cry and eat ice-cream. Whatever. If you're happy, say so and embrace the moment. Take a selfie for all I care. If you're angry with someone, tell them and go grab ice-cream afterwards. If you're starting to like someone, tell them anyway and you can plan future ice-cream dates. Be bold enough to be the first one to reach out. Don't wait. Don't ever EVER sit around and wait for things to happen to you. Because when it doesn't, you will complain about how much life sucks. Life doesn't suck if you know how to live it properly.
Don't wait for your friends to text you first because you don't wanna look desperate texting first. Honestly, just be kind and open. Be excited about everything, every little thing even, no matter how irrelevant they are. Take every opportunity to be happy, as often as you can. Laugh at everything and with everyone. Have a hella good time with your buddies. Stop hating people and love more. Stop gossiping and just shut the fuck up unless you have nice things to say about other people.
You are capable of being kind and nice. So drop that bitchy attitude and smile for once. Fuck what people think. Stop caring less to protect your pride.
Care more, love more, and live more.
Love,
Kimmy x
Sunday 3 May 2015
The Real Deal with Studying Abroad
Whenever I used to mention to people that I'm going abroad for university, everyone would react the same way. They were all very envious.
Now although there are things to be jealous about like the experience of a whole new culture, the prestige of going to an overseas university etc, but let me put it straight to you that everything is not as glamorous as it seems.
Just before I go on, I would like to mention that I am eternally grateful for this opportunity and all the other opportunities I've had in my life thanks to my wonderful parents so please don't get the wrong idea that I am an ungrateful person.
1) It is literally a whole new world.
Before I came here, I was always very proud of what I know. In terms of general knowledge, I would say that I know more than most people do. I have a British father who has travelled to more than a hundred countries, and I learnt things based on the stories he told me. So I thought adapting to life in the UK was going to be a piece of cake. WRONG. It was just as terrifying.
This is what going abroad teaches you, that no matter how prepared you think you are, (based on what you know from stories and movies etc) you will never be prepared enough. It literally feels like someone threw me into the middle of the ocean with nothing to help me stay afloat.
And you'd be surprised at how even the tiniest of things can fascinate you. Like for example, people wearing shorts with tights. I have lived on the equator and tights are only worn by crazy corporate women along with their stiletto heels and not as a day-to-day clothing. Crazy right? Well for me, at least, this was shocking.
I can go on about the differences but that's not the point. The point is that, studying abroad is nothing similar to going to a country on vacation. It is an entirely different world that you get to experience first hand and believe me, there's a lot more going on behind what you see from pictures in travel magazines.
2) Adapting - making the 'new' become 'normal'
I remember the panic I felt on the day that I landed because I noticed that the road signs were all written in miles instead of kilometres, which I wasn't used to. And I remember being so scared because it was the first instant where I felt thrown out of my comfort zone. And if you're planning on going abroad, that is how you're going to be feeling for at least the first three months. Unless you have been moving to different countries your whole life, I can't imagine culture shock being any easier to get over.
The fear you feel initially will disappear over time because you'll wake up one day and realise that the view is the same and it's boring because it's now the new normal.
3) Money problems
Despite saying that, some things will always remain as a shock. Like when I convert all the money I spend into Malaysian Ringgit. It's like a mini heart attack whenever I look at my tuition fees. As if it's not scary enough to see it in pounds, and then I have to multiply it by five and BAM mini heart-attack.
That is how I feel about EVERYTHING I spend my money on. It's like when I buy a bag from Primark that's £10 and my mind just thinks 'meh it's not too bad. Quite worth the money if you ask me' and my conscience basically screams "FIFTY RINGGIT FOR A TINY BAG. KIMBERLY SARAH WALKER ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?!!!"
£12 for Nandos though? YES PLEASE.
That sums up my student life.
Sorry, I digressed.
But when people call me a cheapskate or say that I don't 'treat myself' enough, it's not that, it's because I have an enormous sense of guilt.
Let's be honest here, to be able to afford the life of an international student, your parents have to be considerably rich. I am not boasting, these are the facts. But so what? I can speak for all the international students out there, that are NOT spoilt brats I might add, that no matter how financially stable our families are, it doesn't take away the guilt that we're spending their hard-earned money trying to seek an education that they themselves have never experienced. (My parents didn't go to uni)
Studying abroad is truly a privilege. And it also means your attendance has to be 100%, you kinda have to ace everything (talking 70s and above here) and try to live as poorly as you can. The word "SALE" will be your new favourite word.
No pressure.
4) Long-distance friendship
I think I've written a post about how difficult maintaining a long-distance friendship is before, but I'll do it again because in my opinion, this is honestly the toughest part with studying abroad.
When you meet a friend or friends that you instantly have a connection with, you would obviously want that connection to last as long as possible. So we make promises. Like how we're going to be best friends forever and ever and ever and who's going to be the bridesmaids at who's wedding. Stuff like that.
I'm not saying going abroad is breaking those promises but I'm here to tell you, it's very difficult holding on to them.
Because distance really does play a part in how friendships unfold eventually. Yes, you may say that you'll stay in touch using Skype and Whatsapp but it's not the same. With the pressure of assignments, not to mention timezones getting in the way, it's really hard to keep up with each other.
My best friend from secondary school only texts me once a month. Sometimes we go on months without speaking to each other, I haven't seen her in one and a half years now, or perhaps more, but who's counting? See, that's the thing, you get so tired of keeping up that you eventually stop counting. (We've known each other for six years now, at least we're still counting that hehe)
When I'm upset or I just need someone to talk to, my first instinct is to go to my best friend. I would call them and if it was back home, we would probably meet up and cry over a tub of ice cream. But being abroad, you can't do any of that. Sometimes all you really need is a hug but you find yourself desperate and alone, and it's just the worst feeling ever.
And there are days where I just want to have a good rant about something but my friends can't reply because they're asleep. It isn't their fault at all but it just is very frustrating to have no one to listen to you.
Not being there for someone physically changes a lot of things. My best friends, for example, were not the same person they were before. And just to be clear, it is NOT a bad thing. Change is inevitable, and it happens to all of us. Humans need to change, we need to move on and progress. I've been told that I have changed drastically ever since I came here so it's fine. It's the fact that I was not there to witness my friends change and be a part of what made them the better person they are today that is upsetting. My friends just celebrated their 20th birthday last month and I wanted so badly to be there with them but it's impossible. It's scary to think that this is going to be the new normal, that not being with each other on special occasions is a common thing, whereas before the possibility of this was unimaginable.
Sometimes, actually most of the time, being abroad will make you feel left out on a lot of things. And no one likes feeling excluded, but it's just one of those situations where you have to tell yourself to suck it up.
5) Homesickness
I have this terrible luck that before every lunch or dinner, I will stumble across food posts from Buzzfeed describing in detail how great it is to live and eat in Asia. For me, personally, homesickness only ever occurs because I miss home food (hahaha sorry parents)
No but in all seriousness, food is the main problem. I love Indian food with a passion. Anyone who knows me knows that I will swallow spicy hot curry even if it burns me. And indian food here, doesn't meet my expectations. I'm not complaining at all, these are, once again, facts.
Asian food that is outside of Asia will never taste as good or even similar to the ones you get back home and you have to live with it. Truth is, there is no cure to homesickness. You just have to sit tight and let it wash over you. My way of dealing with it is attempting to cook an Asian dish myself. Ten out of ten times, I have failed miserably.
Because I'm Malaysian, I obviously love Milo. In fact, I think I eat Milo more than I actually drink it. (No shame at all) But because it's scarce and expensive, I only have it when I'm really really homesick. Recently, I tried to cook soupy noodles like the ones my mom make but it turned out all mushy and ew.
(what a great description coming from an English student - ew. 'The noodles looked unappetising')
6) Living Independently
This coming June, I'll be moving out of my student accommodation and moving in to my new apartment. Sounds glamorous, doesn't it? Well, no. There are a long list of things I have to do before moving like listing and getting furniture, comparing prices, inspecting the place for any damages, sort out rent prices and it doesn't end there. After I move in, I have to deal with paying for the bills myself. See, it's a lot of work. And keep in mind, I'm only eighteen and trying to navigate my way around all these issues in a completely foreign country is a big big challenge.
On the other hand, it's exciting too. Because I get to decorate and do whatever I want with the apartment and even though I don't enjoy this grown-up life, I'm looking forward to having my own place. There's so many things to figure out like where and how do I pay my bills, and how do I get a TV license and more importantly, how do I set up the Wifi??! (first world problems) But I have realised the longer I live here, that all these are minor issues and with the help of the internet and friendly people, I'll be able to figure these problems out in no time.
This is what living independently is all about. Taking one step at a time to face these problems head on. And you'll realise that after every challenge you conquer, you start to feel less afraid and more daring to do things.
I went for my first job interview in the UK last week and it turned out so well that I no longer feel inferior to white people like I used to. I went to the post office the other day and I successfully sent a parcel to my friend (YAY) and I was overjoyed after that. See, it's the little things that guide you along the way.
Most people give me looks of pity when I tell them that I'm not allowed to go home in the summer. My mom's argument was that there is no point to living independently abroad if I'm going to take every opportunity to come home. And I totally agree with her. I'll get a job in the summer and earn my own money. I don't know how yet but I'm getting there.
The important thing is to remember that no one has it all figured out at this age and that you're never alone. Studying abroad terrifies the living shit out of a lot of people, myself included, but with help and guidance along the way, you'll find yourself surrounded with good people that are helping you build a ship to stay afloat in this wide ocean of adulthood.
Love,
Kimmy x
P.S I'm looking for a flatmate in my new place. If you have nowhere to live next year, please drop me a message and we can meet up and be friends.
Now although there are things to be jealous about like the experience of a whole new culture, the prestige of going to an overseas university etc, but let me put it straight to you that everything is not as glamorous as it seems.
Just before I go on, I would like to mention that I am eternally grateful for this opportunity and all the other opportunities I've had in my life thanks to my wonderful parents so please don't get the wrong idea that I am an ungrateful person.
1) It is literally a whole new world.
Before I came here, I was always very proud of what I know. In terms of general knowledge, I would say that I know more than most people do. I have a British father who has travelled to more than a hundred countries, and I learnt things based on the stories he told me. So I thought adapting to life in the UK was going to be a piece of cake. WRONG. It was just as terrifying.
This is what going abroad teaches you, that no matter how prepared you think you are, (based on what you know from stories and movies etc) you will never be prepared enough. It literally feels like someone threw me into the middle of the ocean with nothing to help me stay afloat.
And you'd be surprised at how even the tiniest of things can fascinate you. Like for example, people wearing shorts with tights. I have lived on the equator and tights are only worn by crazy corporate women along with their stiletto heels and not as a day-to-day clothing. Crazy right? Well for me, at least, this was shocking.
I can go on about the differences but that's not the point. The point is that, studying abroad is nothing similar to going to a country on vacation. It is an entirely different world that you get to experience first hand and believe me, there's a lot more going on behind what you see from pictures in travel magazines.
2) Adapting - making the 'new' become 'normal'
I remember the panic I felt on the day that I landed because I noticed that the road signs were all written in miles instead of kilometres, which I wasn't used to. And I remember being so scared because it was the first instant where I felt thrown out of my comfort zone. And if you're planning on going abroad, that is how you're going to be feeling for at least the first three months. Unless you have been moving to different countries your whole life, I can't imagine culture shock being any easier to get over.
The first three months I was here, everything felt temporary. It was as if I was set on a vacation for three years or something. My flat felt like a hotel, and the view I saw everyday surprised me. There were times when I was on the bus, staring in awe at Manchester's architecture that I have to tell myself to snap out of it. I will be looking at the Piccadilly wheel for the next three years of my life, why am I acting like this is a holiday???
When my friends were starting to refer to Manchester as their 'home', I was still very reluctant to believe that this is my home. It's been nine months now and I am not entirely convinced that this is going to be my home for good. Although that is the case, I think it's safe to say that I don't feel as scared anymore.
The fear you feel initially will disappear over time because you'll wake up one day and realise that the view is the same and it's boring because it's now the new normal.
3) Money problems
Despite saying that, some things will always remain as a shock. Like when I convert all the money I spend into Malaysian Ringgit. It's like a mini heart attack whenever I look at my tuition fees. As if it's not scary enough to see it in pounds, and then I have to multiply it by five and BAM mini heart-attack.
That is how I feel about EVERYTHING I spend my money on. It's like when I buy a bag from Primark that's £10 and my mind just thinks 'meh it's not too bad. Quite worth the money if you ask me' and my conscience basically screams "FIFTY RINGGIT FOR A TINY BAG. KIMBERLY SARAH WALKER ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?!!!"
£12 for Nandos though? YES PLEASE.
That sums up my student life.
Sorry, I digressed.
But when people call me a cheapskate or say that I don't 'treat myself' enough, it's not that, it's because I have an enormous sense of guilt.
Let's be honest here, to be able to afford the life of an international student, your parents have to be considerably rich. I am not boasting, these are the facts. But so what? I can speak for all the international students out there, that are NOT spoilt brats I might add, that no matter how financially stable our families are, it doesn't take away the guilt that we're spending their hard-earned money trying to seek an education that they themselves have never experienced. (My parents didn't go to uni)
Studying abroad is truly a privilege. And it also means your attendance has to be 100%, you kinda have to ace everything (talking 70s and above here) and try to live as poorly as you can. The word "SALE" will be your new favourite word.
No pressure.
4) Long-distance friendship
I think I've written a post about how difficult maintaining a long-distance friendship is before, but I'll do it again because in my opinion, this is honestly the toughest part with studying abroad.
When you meet a friend or friends that you instantly have a connection with, you would obviously want that connection to last as long as possible. So we make promises. Like how we're going to be best friends forever and ever and ever and who's going to be the bridesmaids at who's wedding. Stuff like that.
I'm not saying going abroad is breaking those promises but I'm here to tell you, it's very difficult holding on to them.
Because distance really does play a part in how friendships unfold eventually. Yes, you may say that you'll stay in touch using Skype and Whatsapp but it's not the same. With the pressure of assignments, not to mention timezones getting in the way, it's really hard to keep up with each other.
My best friend from secondary school only texts me once a month. Sometimes we go on months without speaking to each other, I haven't seen her in one and a half years now, or perhaps more, but who's counting? See, that's the thing, you get so tired of keeping up that you eventually stop counting. (We've known each other for six years now, at least we're still counting that hehe)
When I'm upset or I just need someone to talk to, my first instinct is to go to my best friend. I would call them and if it was back home, we would probably meet up and cry over a tub of ice cream. But being abroad, you can't do any of that. Sometimes all you really need is a hug but you find yourself desperate and alone, and it's just the worst feeling ever.
And there are days where I just want to have a good rant about something but my friends can't reply because they're asleep. It isn't their fault at all but it just is very frustrating to have no one to listen to you.
Not being there for someone physically changes a lot of things. My best friends, for example, were not the same person they were before. And just to be clear, it is NOT a bad thing. Change is inevitable, and it happens to all of us. Humans need to change, we need to move on and progress. I've been told that I have changed drastically ever since I came here so it's fine. It's the fact that I was not there to witness my friends change and be a part of what made them the better person they are today that is upsetting. My friends just celebrated their 20th birthday last month and I wanted so badly to be there with them but it's impossible. It's scary to think that this is going to be the new normal, that not being with each other on special occasions is a common thing, whereas before the possibility of this was unimaginable.
Sometimes, actually most of the time, being abroad will make you feel left out on a lot of things. And no one likes feeling excluded, but it's just one of those situations where you have to tell yourself to suck it up.
5) Homesickness
I have this terrible luck that before every lunch or dinner, I will stumble across food posts from Buzzfeed describing in detail how great it is to live and eat in Asia. For me, personally, homesickness only ever occurs because I miss home food (hahaha sorry parents)
No but in all seriousness, food is the main problem. I love Indian food with a passion. Anyone who knows me knows that I will swallow spicy hot curry even if it burns me. And indian food here, doesn't meet my expectations. I'm not complaining at all, these are, once again, facts.
Asian food that is outside of Asia will never taste as good or even similar to the ones you get back home and you have to live with it. Truth is, there is no cure to homesickness. You just have to sit tight and let it wash over you. My way of dealing with it is attempting to cook an Asian dish myself. Ten out of ten times, I have failed miserably.
Because I'm Malaysian, I obviously love Milo. In fact, I think I eat Milo more than I actually drink it. (No shame at all) But because it's scarce and expensive, I only have it when I'm really really homesick. Recently, I tried to cook soupy noodles like the ones my mom make but it turned out all mushy and ew.
(what a great description coming from an English student - ew. 'The noodles looked unappetising')
6) Living Independently
This coming June, I'll be moving out of my student accommodation and moving in to my new apartment. Sounds glamorous, doesn't it? Well, no. There are a long list of things I have to do before moving like listing and getting furniture, comparing prices, inspecting the place for any damages, sort out rent prices and it doesn't end there. After I move in, I have to deal with paying for the bills myself. See, it's a lot of work. And keep in mind, I'm only eighteen and trying to navigate my way around all these issues in a completely foreign country is a big big challenge.
On the other hand, it's exciting too. Because I get to decorate and do whatever I want with the apartment and even though I don't enjoy this grown-up life, I'm looking forward to having my own place. There's so many things to figure out like where and how do I pay my bills, and how do I get a TV license and more importantly, how do I set up the Wifi??! (first world problems) But I have realised the longer I live here, that all these are minor issues and with the help of the internet and friendly people, I'll be able to figure these problems out in no time.
This is what living independently is all about. Taking one step at a time to face these problems head on. And you'll realise that after every challenge you conquer, you start to feel less afraid and more daring to do things.
I went for my first job interview in the UK last week and it turned out so well that I no longer feel inferior to white people like I used to. I went to the post office the other day and I successfully sent a parcel to my friend (YAY) and I was overjoyed after that. See, it's the little things that guide you along the way.
Most people give me looks of pity when I tell them that I'm not allowed to go home in the summer. My mom's argument was that there is no point to living independently abroad if I'm going to take every opportunity to come home. And I totally agree with her. I'll get a job in the summer and earn my own money. I don't know how yet but I'm getting there.
The important thing is to remember that no one has it all figured out at this age and that you're never alone. Studying abroad terrifies the living shit out of a lot of people, myself included, but with help and guidance along the way, you'll find yourself surrounded with good people that are helping you build a ship to stay afloat in this wide ocean of adulthood.
Love,
Kimmy x
P.S I'm looking for a flatmate in my new place. If you have nowhere to live next year, please drop me a message and we can meet up and be friends.
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