What Being Rachel Feels Like

If you thought I was referring to Rachel from Friends, then I apologise to have kept your hopes up. However, for those of you who don't recognise this scene, it's from the movie Something Borrowed. If you've read and enjoyed the book as well, then I guess you would be able to relate to what I'm about to say. 

Friendships can be the most amazing thing. Finding a friend who has experienced your ups and downs, is hard to come by. Especially after the countless giving ups and giving ins, it's almost impossible to feel assured if a friendship was meant to last. 

Many times in the past, I forged closed bonds with friends, only to find that it was doing me no good, poisonous, in fact and by the time I realised this, it was always too late to regret.

It hurts to watch ourselves tolerate so much bullshit from the people closest to us. Yet so ironically, we kept our mouths shut and all the dissatisfactions were locked away for good, all for the one person we loved and adored.

Despite all the unfair treatments, we stuck by when they needed us. Despite being labelled as "this girl who hangs out with Darcy" or "Darcy's best friend" and completely losing your own identity to their fame and popularity, we shrugged it off like it didn't hurt a single bit. We surrendered to every fight there was and apologised even when we did nothing wrong. But to not lose them, we said our sorries anyway.  

I understood when you said you didn't mean to betray me after you took what was mine. I even blamed myself for helping you out by retreating to the shy, invisible girl I was so you could keep batting your eyelashes at the guy I liked for so long. With your wits and outgoing personality, you knew without a doubt that you could beat me to anything, and you did. I held back the tears when I realised I was never your first choice, and that someone else would easily replace me. I told myself it didn't matter if you only considered me as your second best, when it obviously did. 

You know what else hurts just as bad? The thought that we were disposable to a friend we deeply cherished. And the worst part, is knowing that if the tables were turned, they would have left in a heartbeat. And against all odds, we chose to stick around, hoping that maybe one day they'll appreciate what we've done and maybe one day, they won't take our sincerity and trust for granted. 

It sucks really, constantly being the loser. But it doesn't always have to end that way. 

The part I admired most about Rachel was the courage she took to say NO. Sometimes, we need to step back and ask ourselves whether some things are worth fighting for and if this "friendship" is what we want. 

I learned that you make your own happiness, and going for what you want, very often means losing something else, even if it's someone you have treasured for a great amount of time.

Yeap. 
With all my love and hate and every other emotion I'm feeling right now,
Kimmy.