A favourite phrase of mine back in the past would be "I don't need anyone", because it was an excuse I told people when I felt lonely. I said that to convince them as well as myself that I could be independent without anyone's help. But who was I fooling, me and everyone I told that to knew it was a big fat lie.
The ugly truth was quite the opposite, something someone with a massive pride like myself would never admit to. I always wanted and needed someone and I still do. But the only difference is, I'm not afraid to show it, because the truth of the matter is, everyone does need a someone.
This someone I speak of, is your everything but at the same time, it does not confine to just "your significant other". Because being single does not mean the someone spot in your heart is empty either, it's simply filled with many other people too.
I believe our everything is never just a person, it's definitely more than what we realise. The friend we go to when we have good news, the first person we call when our lives have just been turned upside down, the first person we ask for opinions on what outfit to wear on a first date, the first person we know that would trade the world for us. It's always the friends who are there, not just when it's convenient, but especially when it's not. The list could go on and on, because if I would to describe every person that mattered to me starting with "The friend who...", this list would never end.
Being so far away from home made me realise how important these someones are and how oblivious I was to their existence, taking for granted that I will always have them around therefore not paying them much or any attention at all. It wasn't until a couple of days ago when I received my assignment marks. I was overjoyed with my results and the second I got back, I wanted to tell my mother and I did. As I waited hours for her reply, it occurred to me how much I needed to hear her say she was proud of me. It was as if her words of encouragement was the air I needed to breathe. I couldn't live without my mom. Who knew living independently could be such a painful yet fulfilling experience?
And it's not just parental support a person requires. I mean, think about all our friends. We need each and every one of them because they make us happy for different reasons. If I had knew this earlier, I probably wouldn't have pushed away so many friends because of my selfish mindset of not needing anyone. I used to think showing emotions made a person weak and vulnerable but now, I've realised it doesn't. If anything, it's being honest, especially to myself.
Besides, what's the point in lying to ourselves anyway? If someone asks how I am, I'll tell them I feel like crap when I do, and I feel good if I do. And I'll cry when I'm sad and laugh as fucking loud as I want when I'm happy. Why hold back when all we want is to live our lives to the fullest?
Saying that, I'm going to make sure I fucking will. And I'm starting by being honest to who I am.
Love,
Kimmy.
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