At some point of our lives, we have to experience loss. Well actually, we have all lost something or someone before, whether it's our first teddy, first iPod, first love etc. And just for that brief second the pain is somewhat unbearable because the presence of something once so cherished to us is not there anymore. If we're talking about a soft toy or an iPod, money can easily buy a brand new one. But what money can't buy is what the heart can feel, like love, guilt and especially the pain of losing someone.
I have not lost someone close to me before, not in that way, so I don't have the right to talk about it. I have experienced the loss of a friendship though and something like that isn't as painful to deal with, but it's never easy to get over either.
It is really painful isn't it? When you say to someone "Oh I used to be close to him/her." It hits you with a sense of nostalgia, because in that moment, all the good memories you shared just flashes instantly and you have to put that thought away in your head for a minute, before you sink into deep sadness.
I had a really close friend once, and we fell out. If I was being easy, I would say it's my fault. But the way I saw it, we just grew out of each other. Things about her I used to adore, now I find annoying. And for some reason, I felt like every time we spoke, it was always about her and hardly about me. It became a one-sided friendship, I felt like I was giving in all the time. And I was so sick of it. It being the way I was treated, not her. I could never be sick of her because she's my reflection. We're two sides to a coin, everything she likes, I like too. Our mutual interest was what made our friendship work so well, but our differences were so different, it carried us further away from each other than we thought.
Sometimes, I blamed it on the fact that we were separated for too long that her absence annoyed me and it lead to a dislike of her. Knowing myself, when I develop a dislike for someone, it's a continuos downhill from there and there's no way of liking them the same way ever again. I might sound unreasonable, but forgiveness, like trust has to be earned. And I find it so hard to forgive, especially when she did me no wrong. It has come to a stage where I now look at her and I can only feel irritated. Her entire person, her standing in front of me, just irked me in so many ways.
I can't quite put my finger on it but I know for certain that I am jealous of her. She has the most perfect family, boyfriend, and friends around her. She doesn't know it, but she does. And when I say perfect, sure they have flaws of their own, but they are indeed perfect for her. And to think that we started out the same, both a nobody, constantly left feeling invisible, she now lives a better life than me. And when I realised, I had a part in making her life the way it is now, I got angrier. Being selfless made me turn against my friend, jealousy turned me into a bitch.
That was my loss. I lost a really good friend and I can't put my thoughts away when I think about her in the middle of something. I can't cope to be honest. When I spot something on the street I would like, I think about us. And it's not something easy to get over at all.
Life goes on, however. And very fortunately too, I feel. Being stuck in the emotional state of sadness does no one any good, so the great thing is, it doesn't last. When reality hits again, the emptiness one feels from loss will eventually fill with other things like work, studies etc. It might not replace what was felt, but it does fill the glass half empty with new experiences, new adventures and definitely new feelings. With every loss, comes a new gain. Sure, it might take forever to move on, but hey, that's the only way.
Love,
K.W
No comments:
Post a Comment