Invisible

I'm a nobody with a dream to be somebody. A figure that matters, an inspiration of some sort. To be extraordinary, living my life to its fullest. When I'm gone, I want to leave a mark, a legacy even. But that is difficult especially if your presence can't be seen, heard or felt by the ones around you.

It's terrible sometimes, being in a situation so awkward and tense, even up till the point where you feel as though your soul has evaporated into thin air, and you're just a combination of bones, in a crowd of living souls.

Up to this point, is where I can feel my throat choking back the sobs that are about to tell the world I am in pain.

Because clearly, I am visible, but painfully ignored.

Truth is, everyone wants to feel wanted. Like i mentioned, I want the world to see me.  Every crowd I join, I put it effort to be a little more outgoing. Say a little more and people will notice me, is what I tell myself. But time and time again, it is the same outcome, utterly useless.

Then, that is when society starts to tell you "Stop trying, and soon enough, they'll see you"

Well that is an overstatement. If you don't try, NO ONE will know you exist. And even if you do try, it doesn't change a thing. What am i to do, if I was born with a quiet mouth, and an average look?

The reality is that if you're not pretty, no one will see you. If you're not loud, no one will hear you. If you don't have a cracking, out of this world personality, no one will hang out with you.

Unlucky for some, we weren't born with those gifts. In the end, our best comeback would mean we still have to try to fit in. But it's painful because nobody sees the struggle except yourself. Nobody will understand how tough it is to be outspoken when you are not comfortable with it. Nobody will understand when you tell them you feel invisible. No one will understand when you tell them to not dump you aside at a party you didn't want to go in the first place.

Nobody will understand an introvert's struggle to become visible, and wanted.

What an irony, though, isn't it? Aren't introverts supposed to feel comfortable being invisible?

To me, it has always been a personal conflict. On one hand, I live to make a change in this world, And I want to be noticed in that process. But how do I make a change, if I was born with a personality so boring and un-extraordinary that no one will give me a chance to begin with?

Eighteen and e(ating)xercising

I took up Zumba lessons recently. And yes, you maybe thinking, isn't zumba for the oldies??

No, it is not. 

And to be honest, I dread every minute of it. I do. I may sound like i totally enjoy this whole healthy lifestyle but i do not. I crave McDonalds and Coco Crunch every day and it takes so much of me to look away from those delicious, fattening foods. 

Why do i still do it? Because i hate it. 

When you manifest a certain dislike towards something, the more reason it gives you face up to it. I think people from my generation, especially, tend to run away when things get hard. It's so true. In school, we're being taught to skip a math question when it's difficult. That's not right. Fair enough, exams are a race against time, but because this tactic is practiced so often it becomes a habit. A bad habit that takes forever to get rid of. 

But anyway, yes I hate zumba. It's an hour class and every sweat that drips off my face DOES NOT motivate me further. Its telling me to stop. And that is the challenge, I feel. To look at your sweaty disgusting self and say NO, we are going to finish this hour of non-stop exercising, no matter how tough it is. And when the session ends (like finally!), its super exhausting. Most of the time, I just sit there, catching every last breathe i have and gulping on gallons of water. But as you look at every other sweaty and disgusting body around you, you begin to doubt yourself. 

Am I a joke? Am i really THAT unhealthy that twenty other middle aged women can withstand this much pain and soreness as compared to me, an ordinary eighteen year old. 

I am not going to lie, but i do feel ashamed. Teens like me are supposedly stronger, but this just proves how weak and fragile we are. And because Gen-Y are such egoistic assholes, we cant bear to feel like that. And frankly, that is my motivation.

Face up to your fears fellas, it's the only way you have a shot at overcoming it. 

Intro vs Extro

I think it's safe to say that everyone assumes extroverts are wayyy more fun to hang out with and as an introvert, i agree completely.  But why do we also assume introverts are anti-social? 

It's not fair at all. On the surface, we may seem like we don't enjoy being around people, but the truth is, we do enjoy hanging out, but only with the RIGHT company. 

Extroverts survive on the energy from those around them. Without a group of people, they get bored easily. But we introverts, can entertain ourselves. Most of the time, they're just so many interesting things happening in our heads that we begin to forget we are supposed to participate in real life. 

And the best part about being an introvert is that we spend more time listening, observing and thinking, which i'd like to think makes us smarter. Extroverts talk and talk and talk, mostly dreaming about things they want, rather than putting in effort to achieve it.

Introverts dream, realise and achieve. 

To many, introverts are boring. Fair enough, I guess I would much prefer staying sober to watch your drunk asses embarrassing yourselves than actually joining this mad fiasco. But once you get comfortable with an introvert, it's like stepping into Narnia. Inside the brains of an introvert, lies a world of fascinating thoughts. And you'll be surprised, we can be pretty cool people too. It's like a secret we feel safe to tell and that secret is our personality. 

Honestly, I love being an introvert. In fact, I have no problems with it, not even in the slightest. The issue is, if it's not a big deal to me, why should it be to you? 

If me being quiet bothers you, why don't you find someone else to talk to? 

Why, in the eyes of society, does it deem wrong to be an introvert? 

Not long ago, someone told me they were going to "fix" this about me. And immediately, I said, being who i am isn't something that needs fixing. Being an introvert, isn't a problem to be solved, it's not a mental disability, and it definitely isn't a weakness! 

As introverts, our confidence is quiet. We feel better proving ourselves through the things we do, instead of the things we say. At least it shows we are capable of taking action, instead of spitting empty words. 

We might lack the ability to socialise, but our tolerance towards the bullshit around us is certainly wayyy better. 

R.A.K

Dear Readers,

Lovely of you to stop by, today is all about kindness - RAK, Random Act of Kindness.

I came across this movement when i started watching the We The King's vlogs. They do random stuff to strangers in hopes of making someone's day!

As a firm believer of what goes around, comes around, I have been trying to start off my random acts of kindness too. And today, was the perfect opportunity.

For those of you who don't know me, I work in a hotel, temporarily, before I head to university. So today, we invited these two little girls, both aged 8 and 11 to stay over at our hotel. The really unfortunate thing is that they're both at the final stage of leukaemia. What sucks is that its inevitable, and I felt completely useless.

Their number one wish on their bucket list was to go to Legoland, thank God it was not Amsterdam or something. So in addition to granting their wish, we bought them gifts too. And suddenly i decided to write them a card.

Anyway, the point is, I felt great afterwards. It's really amazing isn't it? That the best kind of happiness does not come from getting what you want, it's giving others what they want. And you might be thinking, when will i get what i want?

Well, son. If everyone strived to live like this, we'll all be happy. Think of it as a circle of people, if you made someone's day, that someone is going to channel that energy into making another person happy and the cycle goes on until finally, the last person left with what was your kindness, will return the smile to you. Everyone wins!

In this psycho-judgemental world, we're all brought up to only think for ourselves. We're selfish, self-centered and annoying.

"At the end of the day, we only have ourselves" I think we've heard that too many times.

Just because it is (slightly) true, doesn't mean we give up on everyone else and only focus on "ME". What happens to those who don't even have themselves to rely on, who gives them hope, and courage to live on?

It's time to think about what we can do for others. God gave me a perfectly abled body, so i can use it to help those unfortunate ones. God didn't give me this perfectly stable mind, just so i could watch those in need suffer.

All it takes, is one small act of kindness. JUST.ONE. and it will go a long way.

I can't save those girls from leukaemia, but I sure as hell can make them smile for a minute or two and that's all that matters.

Love,
Kimmy.

Love Is Easy

No, it's not. 

It doesn't take someone who has never been in a relationship before to understand this. But that is what we want, isn't it? No fights or arguments, just something that feels nice and easy, and gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. We should all strive to achieve this but the question is, why is it so hard? 

I am in no position to answer this for you. However, my take on this is, we have not found this "easy love". 

And that's okay. Because we have our entire lives ahead of us, what's the rush of finding true love. It will happen eventually, it just takes the right souls to click and when you find that significant other, you just don't let go. 

I believe, that each of our soul mates, can show us love that is not a burden, a love that feels natural, a love that is simple, yet extraordinary. 

And so, I end my post with this : 

If this is love, then love is easy

It's the easiest thing to do

If this is love, then love completes me

Cause it feels like i've been missing you. 

A simple equation with no complication to leave me confused

If this is love, it's the easiest thing to do 

                                                                         -McFly

White Supremacy

As everyone gears up for the greatest adventure of their lives - studying abroad, there's me, dreading every minute that passes. 

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited. I really am. All the people I'm gonna meet, all the new cultures i will experience, it's really going to be one hell of a ride.  

However. 

Let's take into consideration how much of an uncool person i am. I know i shouldn't be ashamed of who i am but in this social judgemental world, what you look like is what you are. And i think i have already failed without trying .

Let's face it, Asians basically worship the westerners. Do they even realise how much we obsess over their boy bands when clearly they are all just as average as we are. This is a fact all Asians think but will never say, we are inferior of all the cool stuff Americans do. C'mon, Englishmen led wars, fought battles for us and most importantly, gave us civilisation. The biggest names in the worlds are ninety eight percent caucasians. The only known asian i guess would be Kim Jong Un, but its for all the human eating dogs he breeds. 

We look to them with so much envy and admiration, constantly trying to improve ourselves to look and be them. (except for that boy who went for surgery to look like a korean, that, i still dont understand) 

But back to the point, i personally feel that white supremacy will always exists and it makes us (me) feel so inferior. I know it sounds unbelievable, because I am half British. And strangely enough, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS LIKE THIS ? ? ? ? !!!! 

Living Salford is going to be difficult, I will be the odd one out. I cant decide whether that is good or bad. Back in Malaysia and Singapore, I blended in so well, it made me invisible. 

I dont want to be invisible anymore, but neither do i want to stand out to be discriminated because I am Asian. 

I may be entirely wrong about this and this mindset is stereotypical but all im saying is, Salford, please be kind to me.

Moving On

Dear Readers, 

Once again, thanks for stopping by. 

This was something I wrote in 2013 and I think it's worthy of a post. 

To the girls who lost him to some bitch, and to those who never had the guts to put themselves out there, this is for you. 

It isn't over

"Never mind i'll find someone like you." were words to what was once my favourite song. But truthfully, sometimes i do ask myself, do i really want someone that has similar qualities like you or do i just want you and your everything? And to my despair, i say yes to the latter. 

I do want you. i want you for the way you make me laugh, the way you look when you're serious, the way you try to make me happy when you know at the end of the day, its just hurting me more. 

What we had, or perhaps, what i thought we had was nothing more than false hopes and empty promises. And even after knowing the truth, i was still in denial. A part of me wished for something more, something that wasn't the end. Even until today, one year since we last saw each other, I wait for that phone call or text that will go along the lines of "Im sorry, it isn't over" Maybe you will come around someday, just not now or any time soon. 

My friends tell me the same thing and i'm pretty sure everyone in my situation can understand this, that no amount of 'get over him' or 'you deserve better' will be enough to push you to actually move on. it just won't happen. 

I'm no Taylor Swift, but I hope this speaks at least a quarter of your thoughts. 

Love, 

Kimmy

New Beginnings

Dear Readers,

Thanks for stopping by this blog.

This is actually my third blog, and I'm pretty sure it wont last as long as the previous two combined. But hey, I'm trying.

I took up blogging again because I felt like I needed space for myself and a blog would suit, considering its just a webpage, floating among the particles of the Internet.

But if you do decide to read my blog, I have to thank you for showing interest. It doesn't happen very often for me.

I'll be trying my very best to keep this up. As the title states, yes, I'll be entering a new chapter in life soon. I'm headed for the gloriousness of the United Kingdom!!

Salford, Manchester, actually. Most say its the worst place on earth. Really? Thats some sorta prep talk. But I'll be blogging as often as I can, marking down my every step on this interesting journey.

Love,
Kimmy