I'm sure, at some point, we've all questioned whether what we do is something that is truly our calling. I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly because I still find myself questioning and to no avail. Is creative writing something I really am passionate about? But I can't write that well, so what's the point? What if I'm just wasting my time again?
I've come to the realisation that a lot of the big decisions I make in my life are just an excuse of running away. From people, feelings, all sorts. It sounds silly to speak of it now, but at the time, going abroad was a reason to stay away from things I wasn't ready to deal with. To be honest, I do plan of going somewhere else after my degree. Again, I think I'm running away but I'm not exactly sure why or what I'm so afraid of in my present reality.
I shared my concerns with my mom regarding my "true calling" and she gladly said that my parents would be happy to pay for another degree if I wanted to quit university and try again. As much as I appreciate their help financially, I don't want to put that burden on them. A lot of the times, I wallow in guilt because I don't feel like I've deserved what was and is given to me. My parents work hard so I don't have to suffer. Isn't that wrong and shouldn't it be the other way around?
I clearly remember when I submitted my UCAS application that my dad said to me that this step forward is a permanent one. 'You've made the bed so you lie in it' was the quote he used, and ever since I've been carrying that weight and thinking about every worst case scenario that could happen if this wasn't my true calling.
Three weeks into the new semester and I can safely say that my mind has been so intellectually challenged that I can feel my brain ache after a seminar. I'm reading books that have zero or a thousand meanings and quite frankly I don't enjoy it as well as my peers but I'm hanging in there. Luckily, I do have a scriptwriting module that allows me to create stories and write them despite how lame and corny they are. But hey, I figured what's really important on this journey isn't the degree or the grades (actually they do matter a lot), but it's the fact that I'm learning everyday. I find myself critiquing films all the time and I'm not the same person who buys into everything a movie does, which is great. And just today I thought maybe if the film industry is my calling instead.
Looking back now I realised I spend most of my time watching films and talking about them to people is my favourite thing to do ever. I stumbled on a Buzzfeed article about the best movies ever nominated for an Oscar and to my own surprise, I've actually seen most of them (thanks Dad for the extensive film exposure since I was five) so then maybe this is what I want.
Although knowing myself I will probably be in the industry for about two years and suddenly quit because I got bored. My attention span is of a two-year old's.
Anyway, this is seemingly useless to post on my blog but here's to all my fellow peers and friends and strangers who are currently feeling like a wet, lost puppy, you will get there eventually. Just keep walking (or swimming as Dory puts it) and a kind stranger will adopt you into their big fat hearts.
- K.W
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