End of First Year

This post is rather belated considering my first year ended on the 20th and it's the 30th today but anyway let's get on with it.

I can't properly articulate my emotions right now because I am literally still in denial that the first year of university has ended just like that. For some reason, I have never felt this "shock" with college or secondary school, but for university, it's an interesting revelation. On one hand, I'm glad it's over because here's to the three months of summer that I can do nothing with, but on the other hand, it means two more years of university and I'll be forced out of education and into the adult world. While two years is still a lot of time, that thought of finishing education for good still sits at the back of my mind and from time to time it's quite scary to think about.

This past year has opened my eyes to a lot of things. First of all, I never realised how uncertain I was with myself. Growing up, I have always been very clear about what I wanted, including my career, my dream car, even my dream apartment. I pretty much had everything mapped out and all I needed was money so I could go ahead and pursue them. Even when I faced difficulties in the past, I would cry about it for an hour or so and get on with Plan B. I was very certain with everything. Now, I just don't know anymore. In the past year of living independently, I have cried a lot and I have also pondered a lot. If anything, in the past year, I have doubted myself the most.

If you knew me before, you would know that I don't doubt myself, ever. I am the kind of person who knows what I'm good at and I go at it confidently and ambitiously. So this uncertainty I feel comes as a surprise and to be honest, I absolutely hate feeling incompetent. But in my case, it's so difficult to be confident in what I do.

To begin with, I am in a Creative Writing course for goodness sake. The me last year would never have pictured this, not even in a million years. And what's worse, being in an English course, my future prospects are either teaching or a best-selling novelist, there is literally no in-between. Teaching is a future I want to avoid and a novelist? Are you kidding me? I'm no Stephen King for crying out loud, where in this future do I stand? Do you see why I am constantly worried? In a course of about a hundred people, I am the only Asian and that puts me at a great disadvantage already. Among those hundred people, we all want the same thing but how many out of all of us will eventually become the greatest TV writer ever? I know for sure the possibility of that being me is tiny because miracles don't happen to me. For my whole life, I have only depended on hard work because talent is not something I possess. With that being said, hard work can only carry you far in life to a certain extent. There are thousands of people out there who write their butts off and still don't get noticed. This is ultimately my biggest fear. Unlike engineers and doctors, a career in writing is completely undecided.

If I'm honest, I have been living everyday questioning my purpose and praying like nobody's business that one day all this hard work will pay off. As I've said before, not living the life I imagine is going to be my biggest disappointment and it's something I will never forgive myself for.

As human beings, I feel like we are hard-wired to dwell on the worst case scenario even when the odds are probably in our favour. At this point, the chances of succeeding is bleak but there's a part of me that still wants to believe it's possible. My teacher used to say that taking a leap of faith means believing in something completely intangible. Being passionate means pouring your heart and soul into something while fully acknowledging the worst case scenario. I'd like to think that this is what I'm doing. At the end of the day, if I do become a teacher, I'd like to say that I tried my best pursuing the career of my dreams. After all, a one percent chance is still a higher probability than a zero percent and gambling on that one chance is going to be worth it if I'm willing to bet on myself.

That is my only comfort when I'm upset and when my pillars of support are on the other side of the planet. Living away from my family is, without a doubt, difficult, but it taught me how to stand on my own two feet. I guess in its own way, it's rewarding. But yea, if I could sum up first year in a word, it would be rewarding. Everything that I have learnt in university, from scriptwriting to using theories like feminism and marxism etc, it's been one hell of a school year.

Here's to three months of summer and two more years of assignments and exams. Yay.

Love,
Kimmy