My BBC Work Experience

Right, this post has been a little late since I ended my work experience last Friday, and the reason I've been contemplating about blogging this is because I feel like no one would care or even bother to read about the things I did in the three weeks that I spent working for the BBC? Honestly, I have no idea how to go about writing this without boring anyone. The original plan I had was to make a video diary every night and post that instead. I did keep it up though but unfortunately (or fortunately should I say) my video editing skills are shite and I'm sure no one wants to hear me talk for over an hour.

So let's start from the very beginning.

In my previous blogposts, I've mentioned how excited I was to have received a call from the BBC and how it felt like a silver lining because I was in a terrible state at the time. So on my first day, as expected of anyone in my position, I was so nervous that I kept waking up every hour in the night and I was practically sweating in my sleep. It felt like getting ready for the first day of school except this time it was very different because the BBC has always been a huge deal for me since I was a teenager and getting to do it in reality felt all too surreal to me. It still didn't quite sink in that I was working for them even after I entered the building. The first thought that entered my head when I walked in was that everyone looked really creative. Like every person who walked in that door had this confident, outspoken aura about them and they were each individually unique in some way. And looking at them I felt intimidated immediately because I am obviously worlds apart from them. At least in terms of first impressions, I don't think I radiate confidence as well as they do. So anyway, after I was given my entry pass, I was taken to the BBC Learning department where I would be working for the three weeks to come.

The reason why not many people has heard of BBC Learning is because it is considered a "silent brand" in the sense where they do more community work rather than creating content for TV. And why didn't I apply for the TV one? Well frankly it was because I figured it would be easier for me to get in and plus I didn't think I was qualified for the TV departments when I was applying. So BBC Learning, as the title entails, revolves around education, and helping audiences learn through different mediums. When I got the call, I was told I wasn't going to be creating content like I hoped to but instead it would involve a lot of interacting with the public and so on.

I was glad to do that too quite frankly because if I did want to create content for TV in the future, I guess I need to know what the audience wants to see. Plus, to be able to represent the BBC was such an honour for me anyway.

From past experiences the first day at a new job will always be slightly uninteresting because there will be nothing much or immediate to do, but surprisingly and very luckily, I was given the job of writing short biographies on my first day. (Yay, more writing!! As if I'm not sick of it already) ((Haha, just kidding)) But yes, I was told to provide a short write-up of a list of guests that were attending the Q&A sessions we were holding during the event. And it had DJs, singers, sports presenters and entrepreneurs, all of which I have never heard of. But that was okay, because I didn't mind looking up strangers and reading their entire life story, like I don't do that on a daily basis too haha.

Also, on a side note, having been a fan of talk shows, I always wondered how on earth do they manage to know so much about every single person that comes onto their shows. It wasn't a burning question but I've been under the impression that all these talk show hosts have genuinely seen every film ever made and followed every celebrity on Twitter but it was only when I was researching did I realise that they have a team of researchers to dig up information for them. Hah, the more I know.

Okay back to the researching, I must say that I enjoyed this task quite a bit because I am a total pro at it but it was still a little challenging because most of the guests didn't have a Wikipedia page so I had to be looking at their Facebook and Twitter to source facts about them. I even watched this one guy's reality TV series to know more about him. ( I went a little overboard with that lol). Thankfully, this task more or less occupied me for the entire first week.

As exciting as that sounds, the continuity of work kind of ended there. Everything else I did after the first week wasn't as important or "cool" to brag about but again, I really did not mind at all. I read in the orientation pack that I should be prepared to be bored because not always will I get work to do. With our project it wasn't the case of not having enough work to do but instead it was because everyone was super busy in the lead-up to the event and no one really had the time to sit down and explain a new task for me and I totally understand that. I was a little disappointed at first but then I started approaching people and asking them if they needed an extra pair of hands which definitely helped because A, I was no longer sitting in boredom and B, I got to speak to more people. See, this was the issue I had from the very beginning. I know that my social skills are crap around new people and that needed to change ASAP. It took a bit of courage at first, but I felt more comfortable around the people I was working with gradually as time passed.

The second thing I had to do was rather interesting and I'm sure most teenagers my age would enjoy doing but I was just completely thrown out of my element, and that is looking for DJs to play at our event. I don't listen to Radio 1Xtra so I have no idea what sort of music they play but I tried so hard to look like I knew what I was up to. I basically spent a day on SoundCloud and Twitter looking for undiscovered DJs from the north and believe me, my ears did not enjoy all that house music. But thankfully, one of them was called to join us at the event. You're welcome, mister.

This is completely off topic but I feel is relevant to what I did during this work experience. After I was done with my list of DJs, I literally had nothing to do. Like I just sat at my laptop and stared at the screen for about a good twenty minutes before I decided to look up something that's been bothering me for ages now. I went into a serious research to find out whether Tupac was still alive. Lol. I know it sounds dumb, but you can imagine how much I hate being bored so I had to.

Luckily, the production coordinator started to give me small tasks to do like collecting stuff from the printer, making signs, sorting out stationery etc. I must say though, doing all that is so much better than reading on Tupac's family tree and fyi, it's complicated as hell. And I also spent about two days laminating hundreds of signs that I made for the event. Prior to this, I had no clue how a laminating machine worked but I can confidently say that I'm a total expert now.

The overall experience up till then was incredibly diverse and I didn't realise it until the event itself. Initially, I presumed everyone who had a chance at the work experience would get the opportunity to participate at an event like I did. But it was only until I spoke to more people did I realise my work experience was truly very different from what other people had. From making coffee to printing and to researching, I caught a glimpse of several aspects of the department whereas some might only be typing away at their laptops for their entire work experience.

Finally I'm getting to the point of what I really took home from this experience. Most of the people closest to me know that I have a slight phobia of speaking to white people, I'm sure it's all just me exaggerating things in my head but nevertheless it's a problem. It's such an irony as well considering my own father is English. I feel like growing up in an Asian community, white supremacy has affected me in certain ways and because of that I always felt a little inferior to them. And since a young age, I was never confident with speaking to older people either. So know that if you're older than me and I'm quiet around you, it's most likely because I'm intimidated by your life experience. (Yes I have a lot issues) Especially at my last job, I was only seventeen and obviously everyone had to be at least five years older or old enough to be my parent. Even in that job, there were multiple occasions where I felt like my opinion didn't matter because of my age and how inexperienced I was. If I didn't sound intelligent enough, people would look at me weirdly like I don't know what I'm talking about even if it was a legitimate concern. When I agreed to this work experience, I knew I would land myself in similar situations, and because of that I became hyper-aware of the things I said and the interactions I had. For example, if a conversation wasn't going well, I would blame it on my inability to socialise and if no one spoke to me for the whole day, it was because I never made an attempt to speak to anyone. (It sounds lame but I have insecurities like every other human being, except it was never with the way I look, but rather with who I am inside) This simply couldn't go on. I can't walk into the BBC, spend three weeks there and not leave an impression. I actually laughed when in the orientation pack it said to "make the team miss you when you leave". I'm not capable of making people miss my existence because I've always been known as the "invisible" friend in the group. But then there was this one night when it occurred to me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. (YES, she finally stops dwelling in sickening self-pity) The reason being is that I'm only eighteen and I haven't lived long enough to have funny stories to tell during lunch break. The people I've worked with so far are older and therefore will have more experiences to share. By the time I reach twenty-five, hopefully I, too, would have interesting episodes to share. Right now, I'm perfectly content with listening and laughing along.

On that note of feeling invisible, I also figured that there are more ways to be noticed than to just be funny. Being talkative in a crowd is something I'm not good at but on the other hand, I'm good at being honest about shit because that's just the way I am. I found it funny that some of my friends couldn't appreciate that trait about me and saw it as a flaw whereas while working at the BBC someone pointed it out and liked that about me, which was a whole new discovery for me. And another thing I realised that, in any work environment, be it an ordinary sales office or Facebook, if you're an intern or in a "low" position, you should say yes to everything and try to help out as much as you can, even with the tiniest things because people notice that. It's when you least expect it that people are watching and listening. Now that I think back, a lot of the things I got to do was because I said yes to everything that was asked of me and tried my best at them and it feels damn good to be appreciated even if it was just lifting boxes and laminating "Staff Only" signs.

The third week flew by the quickest because we spent the four days in Bradford for the event. I honestly felt rather grown-up when I entered my hotel room. The first thing I thought of was my dad and if he felt the same whenever he went on business trips. I've never travelled on my own before so this was all very new to me but what an exciting experience it turned out to be. Throughout the three days, I sat through around ten workshops and although I wasn't there as a participant, I got to benefit a lot from it. More than anything, I met great people and these were the people that could potentially help me in the future. Networking, I've realised, is so important in any industry because we all know the sad truth that rubbing shoulders with the correct people is partially the key to a successful career. And I think this is why I'm so proud of myself. I could only be making tea for three weeks and still be content because I manage to get my foot in the door of the BBC. I was there, in the moment, and what I experienced was something I couldn't get out of a university lecture. To some people this may not seem like a big deal and all that I've written could be a load of rubbish but this, this is important to me because it's going to change my future completely. Having the BBC on my CV is opening so many more doors for me and it's something people cannot ignore.

I was a girl from Malaysia that casually said that I wanted to work for them because it was the only broadcast company I knew at the age of thirteen. Five years later, here I am blogging about it. It doesn't matter if I wasn't paid nor was it a permanent job but it's good enough because it's the perfect stepping stone to many more things in the years to come.

When the event ended and I was on my way home, I felt this enormous sense of gratitude for my parents mostly. I wouldn't even be here if my parents hadn't worked so hard to give me the life I have. Many people thanked me for helping out but frankly, I should be the one thanking them for even giving me the chance to do this. My whole summer break was filled with rejection by so many places when all I wanted was a simple part-time job. Thanks for turning me down though, because it gave me this amazing opportunity. ((Screw y'all either way))

This is one long post that I've done and I shall stop now. The links to my video diaries will be posted up somewhere soon but for now here are some pictures.

I sent this to my mom when I got into my room, to which she replied "Don't eat too much". Haha, oh mom.

The i woke up like dis selfie. hashtag flawless. Lol I was actually super late that morning but still had time to take pictures. oh kimmy.... tsk tsk 

One of the workshops - Learning how to make beats for radio

This pic just looked dope 

One of the Q&As - Cast of Humans

Couldn't get a full group picture or selfies with everyone :( Oh well. 

You could probably tell by now that I loved every minute of this experience and wouldn't actually mind dropping out of uni to do this. (I lie, too much money has gone into getting a degree so maybe after uni) But it was fun, amazing, and definitely something I can tick off the bucket list.

SNL, you're next.

One Year Later

Two days ago it was my mother's birthday. Coincidentally, it also marked the one-year anniversary since I moved out from my parent's loving care. Holy moly, it's been a year already. That's three hundred and sixty five long days without the warmth and comfort of my family and home.

You probably wouldn't understand the big fuss I'm making over this one year but this means so many things to me. First, it is officially the one year of independence. Well, independence is a slight overstatement considering how I'm definitely not earning enough to support myself. But I'll call this "funded independence". Haha.

So what about this one year? In this short but long space of time, I've learnt a lot about me, and more so about other people. I'll get to that in a bit but let's talk about me first (obviously).

I would say that at the beginning of September last year I was very afraid mainly because I couldn't get used to the culture, and I struggled a lot with my self-confidence. Being the only foreigner in my course, I felt my confidence drop because I thought coming from a non-English-speaking country, my English would be somewhat worse than everyone else's even though I have never felt that way before. It was the first time I took a step back and pondered if I was going to be good enough to survive through this degree. A year later, I would definitely say that my English and writing skills are not the best but they aren't the worst either. I took me a lot of convincing myself to finally understand that although I may have started out differently from other people, I, too, have something to bring to the table as opposed to what I believed a year ago. So that's quite comforting.

Another thing I'm proud of is my new place. I was meant to complete the Moving In Part Two blogpost but I never got round to it so apologies if you were curious as to how my place looked like in the end. We can always do a house tour on Skype or something. A year ago, when my parents proposed the idea of a brand new apartment, believe it or not, I strongly objected because I knew I couldn't do it all on my own. Also, having my own place has a sense of permanency to it, which I didn't want because I have plans to move again after I graduate uni. The point is, I was very reluctant. I dreaded the day where I had to buy furniture and pay bills. Grown-up work is ew. But very surprisingly, I managed. I totally did. It wasn't easy and there were days where I pulled an all-nighter trying to come up with a feasible layout in the bedrooms. I have never stayed up all night to rush assignments before but there I was, sacrificing precious sleep to find the perfect-sized study table. The moment I felt completely relieved was after I paid my first utility bill for the month. Before that, I was pretty much walking on ice. I didn't know what switches not to touch so I won't foolishly cut off my water supply or heating. I was afraid if I cooked on high heat, the fire alarm might go off and what do I do then? What if I electrocute myself because my wet hands touched the towel heater? And what time does my mail arrive in the morning? It was just trying to figure all that out. And once I did, it then hit me that I actually am living in this place. I can leave my books lying around in the living room and no one can tell me to pick it up. I can now sing beautifully in the shower without breaking someone's eardrums. I can eat to my heart's content and no one will judge me!! THAT IS FREEDOM MY FRIENDS. AND IT FEELS GOOD.

(I can't now lol because I'm overweight. Damn it)

To think that my parents were so worried that they wanted to come over and help me out. Psssssshhhh *flips hair* Other than it being the most stressful three months of my life, I'm doing just fine thank you.

Here's to the amazing me for assembling this table I'm typing on now. Yay Kimmy!

Although there were desperate times where I really needed the comfort of home and couldn't because they were so far away, I'd like to think that this distance has brought me closer to my dreams. My goal at the end of the day is like a big puzzle. Every small piece is a goal I intend to achieve which will help complete the bigger picture. I know it sounds really corny, but it's very true. In the one year, I've seen my thoughts change so much. I used to wonder about how great I would look if I was skinnier or how much better I would look if I wore make-up more often or when I would ever have a boyfriend. Truthfully, I still do but not as much as I used to. Nowadays, all I can think about is wanting to achieve those goals. Perhaps being in this environment has made me more competitive and helped me realise that my goals are actually plausible. They're not as far away or as unrealistic as I thought they were a year ago. When I was thirteen, I remember having this conversation with my dad in Pizza Hut near our house. I said to him, one day I want to work for the BBC. I didn't mean much of it at the time. My dad even replied, "Really? I don't think they pay much." Turns out he was right, my work placement is unpaid but who cares because that's a bite-sized dream happening right there! I can look back at that conversation now only because I did manage to secure a work experience with them despite it only being three weeks and unpaid.

Speaking of jobs, I've written about how difficult it has been for me to get a part-time job sometime ago. This experience of constant failure is quite new to me because my last job back home I got within one try. Over here, it's a completely different story altogether. I won't go into much detail but let's just say I've learnt a lot. When I was at my lowest and feeling incompetent, the call from the BBC felt like a silver lining. Personally I think if I didn't fail as hard as I did, the BBC wouldn't have given me this opportunity. So to whoever that is looking out for me up there, cheers mate.

Anyone who's lived away from home will understand that trying to settle in with new people is extra difficult and for the newcomer who misses home all the time (me), I always felt upset if I couldn't talk to my friends back home because of those stupid timezones. I remember when I first made new friends, I would compare them to my old friends and see if they "make the cut". I realise by doing that I was limiting myself to certain groups of people and also if new friends don't react the same way my old friends do, I would miss my old friends even more. Does that make sense or am I just rambling now? I guess all I want to say is that I might have wasted my one year hung up on my friends from back home. I always needed their comfort and I would feel insecure if we stopped talking for a while. To simply put it, I kept having doubts and that really caused unnecessary overthinking for me. It was only recently that I discovered what an amazing bunch of people I have around me right now. If I needed comfort, I wouldn't need to wait for my friends back home to wake up to tell them. I can just tell them when they're free to listen. Now, I have good friends who I can tell my problems to. I have friends who share my same views on some of the weirdest things that friends back home couldn't ever understand. It's strange how being further away from people can give you a whole new perspective that you were too blinded to see before. With that being said, friends from home are still awesome, and luckily I've found my people here too, which makes everything even better.

I feel like if I keep going you will be bored to tears so I shall stop now. Plus, I don't quite know how to conclude this post. Hmm. Oh well. If you've read all that junk, thanks man.

One year later, I think I've done pretty well. *self high-five*

Love,
Kimmy xx

Gaining And Losing Friends

I know hate is a strong word, but if there's one thing I absolutely hate in this world, is feeling like an option to other people. It doesn't necessarily mean I must be all my friend's number one priority, but it would be nice to at least be one person's number one priority. I guess I might be feeling this way out of loneliness or if other people feel this too, but sometimes, when you're all alone with a bottle of wine, it is possible to wonder what might happen to your circle of friends ten years from now.

I can only speak for the female popularity because most of my friends are female and as girls, we tend to be quite clingy towards our friends. When we have friends whom we can connect with on a deeper level, immediately we like to label them as best friends. And the definition of best friends is that we will, no matter what, stay as the way we are for a very very long time.

It's only after I've moved here that I realised how untrue that is. And although the realisation that some of your friends that you previously considered close are no longer in contact is painful, we still have to accept the fact and get on with life. I've come to learn that at different point of our lives, our number one priority shifts depending on the people we're with. And it is also impossible to designate the number one spot to a single person because each friend caters to a different need of yours. For example, we all have that one friend who's just hilarious and a no-brainer to have at parties. But this friend might not be the right person you want when you need to get some stuff off your chest, which is why you have the listener friend who is full of wisdom and your life saviour in tough situations. All your friends, including you, play a different role in each other's lives.

I'm starting to digress again.

When I was in primary school, I had one friend whom I told everything to. We were literally inseparable. Then, for some reason, we stopped talking after I studied in Singapore. I guess if I stayed we could have been closer. In secondary school, I had loads of close friends. Again, three quarter I don't speak to anymore after I entered college. It's safe to say that thanks to my friends I met in college, I had the best time ever. It lasted about a year, and half of them I don't speak to anymore. I had two close colleagues at work whom I treated like older sisters, occasionally they would check up on me, and the last time I heard one of them is pregnant. Now that I'm in university, I spend most of my time with Lori. We don't do loads but when we do, it's never dull and if it is, we're really comfortable just hanging out and doing nothing special. Our friendship works that way and surprisingly it can only work with her. The dynamic between my other friends is slightly different but nevertheless they're all good company,

What I fear the most is that, ten years from now, inevitably, things will change. And as much as I look forward to that change, I'm not exactly prepared for what might happen to the friends I have now. Will it decrease even more as I grow older? Will I lose contact with half of my friends in the UK because I plan to move somewhere else again? Will I, at the same time, meet newer friends who might become my number one priority?

As I say that, I can hear in my head some of my friends saying "You'll always be my best friend" or "You're overthinking again." Yes, yes in fact I overthink a lot. Mainly because, after experiencing it once, I have this lingering fear that my friends might leave me.

And you might be thinking, yes friends leave, it's all part of life. But do you know what really sucks? This is me sounding rather selfish right now, but all my social skills would have been wasted! I don't want to be investing time and effort in a person when two years later, they might have completely forgotten about my existence. That isn't fair at all, is it? I don't mean to be calculative, and I suppose true friendship means doing something for the other party without expecting something in return. Fair enough, it's not good to expect from others because it only leads to disappointment but if the effort doesn't pay off, then this is no longer a true friendship, it has become a sloppy one-sided friendship, which is not beneficial to anyone.

So I've promised myself that from now on, I shall not label anyone. There shall be no list in my heart designating each spot to a different friend. Because in doing so, I will always be left disappointed if number one stops talking to me or feeling guilty if I replace number one with someone newer I've met. And also, if so-and-so stops talking to me over time, it is never anyone's fault. I need to stop blaming myself for the friends I've lost in the past and stop wronging others because they replaced me with someone else.

Your true friends are people who will check up on you whenever they see that you've tweeted something frustrating. Your true friends are the people who will talk to you despite their hectic schedules because "being busy" is one lame excuse for "I'm no longer interested". Your true friends are the people that you've never doubted because you know in your heart that they're there no matter the circumstances. If there's one thing I've realised with growing up, is that not only do you lose friends, you also begin to recognise and appreciate the real gems out of all the fake ones.

Also, don't cling onto people for the sake of just being friends. If it makes you unhappy, it's alright to head for the door. I mean if we're talking about rankings, the number one spot in your heart should always belong to you and you only. At the end of the day, your happiness matters a billion times more.

crushed.

Hi, today's post won't be about anything special, I just needed a place to vent all my anger and frustration out. (oh god, i've been having so many bad days recently I've pretty much lost count)

* sigh * let's begin.

So ever since my last post, not much has occurred except that my former roommate Lori has moved to her own place now which leaves me living in this place all by myself. It isn't too bad actually, considering I have done this before whenever my dad was overseas for a few months at a go. The occasionally creak does freak me out though but anyway,

Because I've been unsuccessful with job-hunting, I came up with a list of things I wanted to do with my free time this summer. I wanted to use this time to do more things I otherwise never would have tried, for example, attending an acting workshop. To be honest, I've always been passionate about movies and if you know me, my brain is like an Encyclopedia of actors and actresses but it never occurred to me to give acting a try, especially since I've always had bad encounters with drama students or dramatic people in general. So bottomline is, I went for this acting workshop for a week and it was completely, unexpectedly so much more fun than I imagined. We had a showcase at the end of it and it all went superb. In the same week, I got a call for an interview at this call centre I applied for. And I was obviously overjoyed. I mean, that's the first call after 42 job applications. For once, I thought to myself "my life is finally coming together. I'm having fun at this workshop, I've got a nice place, I have an interview next week, all is well with the world." That thought lasted for three days before everything crumbled again.

*sigh*

Before I went for this interview, my mom said to me to be honest with them. As you know, my family values honesty above everything else. And that's what I did. The interview was going great and I asked the lady about leaves and such because I wanted to clarify my concerns before fully committing myself to the job. Based on my last job at the hotel, I wasn't guaranteed any leave because I was only a temporary staff despite working there for eight months. Every leave I took had my pay deducted so I didn't want the same for this. Plus, I go home during Christmas break for just about three weeks before uni starts again. The lady said two weeks was the maximum they allow at any one time and she said it can be worked out if I really needed to go home for three weeks. So I didn't think it was a problem but obviously it was because I failed the interview and didn't get the job. I called my mom after the interview to tell her what happened, and she told me off for telling them about my holiday plans. In her opinion, I should have taken the job and quit right before Christmas break, which in my perspective, is an even worse solution. Anyway, by this time, I was too frustrated to do anything else. I came home, sat down before my laptop, and unknowingly burst into tears because I just couldn't do it anymore.

Even I was surprised by this. Knowing me, I don't cry when I fail. To a certain extent, I get angry at myself and I'm done. But this time, I just couldn't anymore. It felt like the burden on my shoulders got heavier and I was just crushed by all this pressure. I get that this is all part of growing up and learning new things but I don't want to do this anymore. For the first time, I heard myself say I want to give up.

What made all this even worse is that even my parents didn't seem to care that I was upset or disappointed. My mom desperately blamed me for mentioning my holiday plans and my dad, unexpectedly, said that if I can't go home because of my job requirements then I should cancel my plans and not go home at all. I don't mean to shame my parents but this is the situation I have had to deal with. How is it fair that my friends get to spend the whole summer with their friends and family and I have to be scolded for wanting to spend three weeks back home. I get that life is unfair but is it meant to be this unfair??????????

People always say that life is meant to be terrific when you study abroad. People expect my instagram to be filled with pictures with loads of friends all getting drunk at clubs. Well, I'm here bogged down with responsibilities and all I want is to run away to a cave and never come back out. All my friends get to hang out and get drunk and make memories that they can't remember the next day. I want that too, I want all of that and none of this. I don't want my own place, I don't need an apartment, I was completely contented with living in a place that was the size of a storeroom. I WAS FINE WITH ALL THAT. I WAS VERY HAPPY. How can you expect someone as inexperienced as me to know what to do and survive on my own. HOW!!!!!!! URGH.

*sigh*

I don't fish for compliments at all but sometimes it would be pleasing to hear my parents say something nice about what I'm doing. Like well done for coping this much on your own, it must have been difficult on you. You're doing great etc etc. But no. All I keep getting is blame and criticism for not being good enough, for not knowing better.

*sigh*

I'm not the best out there and I really am clueless about a lot of stuff. But I am trying my hardest and honestly, I'm just mentally exhausted and completely crushed.

Can we stop this now, please.

Racial Rant

Two years ago, I was so so so desperate to be considered "white". My whole life up till now, has been a journey of trying to figure out where I fit in and belong. I remember back in primary school, I tried to change my name because I wanted to be ordinary, I wanted to be like everyone else who had a 3-letter Mandarin name, my worst nightmare was having to introduce myself and having them laugh in response to my hideous name. That was when I was 7. When I was 13, I was so obsessed with trying to be "white". I figured if the Chinese-side of me didn't want to fit in, I might as well give the Caucasian-side of me a go at trying to blend in. Even up till college, if anyone immediately recognises me as Chinese, I would feel so offended. It's as if I was just waiting for someone to come up to me and treat me like I'm a "white" person.

Back then, was I really wrong to want that? We live in a world that look up to white people like they're some sort of specially gifted race. White people as a whole have better features than any other race; superficially speaking, they have pretty much won the goddamn lottery. And the fact that we live in a world that's driven by looks and impressions, it makes them seem even more worthy than everyone else. I have lived among Asians my whole life, I've seen how we react when there's a white person in the room. We literally worship them.

Think about it. We dye our hair a lighter shade because we want their chesnut brown hair. We wear coloured contact lenses because we are so sick of our boring dark brown or black eyes. We imitate accents from any American TV show because our own is just too painful to listen to. We invent fake eyelashes because we want longer lashes like them. From fake lashes, to nose jobs, to lip injections. Everything they do, we just follow along.

As an Asian, you'll know that having even just an ounce of white-ness in you, you'll suddenly be considered so much cooler than everyone else. Till this day, an Asian woman in a relationship with a White man is still something worth bragging in any Asian community, but not the other way round. A white person living in Asia is considered an expat while any other racial person living in a pre-dominantly white country is considered an immigrant. Why is that? Why are we so obsessed with white people?

To be entirely honest, one of the many reasons I decided to move to the UK was because I wanted to somewhat regain the caucasian side of me. I thought perhaps living here would change the way I sound, or living here would change the way I behave, maybe living here would once and for all prove that I'm white again. But the second day I arrived, I witnessed this scene that I, till this day, won't be able to forget and has ever since changed my perspective completely on wanting to be white.

I was on my way to school and it was a Friday morning. I had to walk past the back of this building to get to the main road, it's usually pretty quiet and that morning I saw two black persons (one male and female) in what seemed to be a heated discussion. The first thing I thought was how to avoid them, because my immature brain had me thinking that I need to evacuate every time I see a black person. But I couldn't just turn and head the other way, it would have been awkward for them and me. So I went past them and pretended like I wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation. What I assumed as compared to what actually happened were worlds apart. The black guy was upset, angry even, because he was discriminated, and he was complaining about it to his female friend. I remember he said "Why do they treat me this way? So what if I'm black? I'm still a local, I was born in the UK!"

I didn't get to hear the rest of it because I'm not a creep.

And that changed everything for me. I no longer looked at white people with envy like I used to. I no longer had the same respect for them like I used to. I no longer wanted any part of me to be like them.

This racist situation I encountered didn't even stop there. I believe it was two months into living in Salford that I was being catcalled one evening. I was wearing jeans, my coat and a long scarf, like any other normal person would during freaking winter. So I was on my way back, baring in mind this was about 4 in the evening, it wasn't dark but it was slowly starting to. I had my headphones in (thank goodness) and these bunch of guys walked past me, I couldn't tell if they were drunk or just plain stupid, but they whistled at me and said "Konichiwa bitch" repeatedly, REPEATEDLY, until I was further away enough to not hear them. I was frightened, obviously, but I remember feeling more raged with anger because not only was I catcalled, I was fucking insulted for being Asian. It got me thinking, if it was someone else, someone white perhaps, would they have done the same? As a female, it's tough enough to live feeling defenceless especially in situations like these, but to have to feel sorry for being Asian as well? Fucking hell.

A couple of weeks after this incident, my dad came to the UK for a business meeting but took a few days off to see me. When he came, I told him about the situation I saw between the two black people but for some reason, I didn't want to tell him what happened to me because I didn't want him to worry. And after these series of incidents, I came to the conclusion that any white country will always be racist, or at least will have the hardest time learning to tolerate other races because their land was monoracial to begin with. Unlike Malaysia or Singapore, we were always taught, from a very young age, the traditions and customs of other races. We always knew how to accept each other because as a nation, we have always been multiracial. I'm not saying racism doesn't exist in those two countries, it does but it is not as severe, at least that's how I view it from my perspective. But surprisingly when I said this to my father, he tried to disagree with me and said, with no supporting evidence at all, that white people aren't racist.

I've thought about this for quite some time now, I've even spoken to my white friends about it and we agreed that white people can't see racism because they have never experienced it. Have you ever seen a white person being discriminated for being white? White privilege is so obvious that even we're fooled to think that what's white must be what's normal. It's total bullshit. White supremacy is everywhere, especially in Asia, that we've all calmly accepted it to be the way it is. Why are we so embarrassed of being ourselves, why can't we seek to be more diverse instead of just blindly following white traditions, white perspectives and white opinions?

In a time span of less than ten months, I have changed completely from being this white-girl wannabe to just being me, regardless of what I'm made of. My dad will always be my dad and my surname will always be Walker. But truthfully, that doesn't count for anything because I like the fact that my name doesn't correspond to how I look, I like the fact that I'm pretty much Asian inside out, I like the food and the humidity of Malaysia, I won't trade any of that to living in a country that marginalises people based on their race.

Being Proud of Singlish

Hello hello, I don't usually write another blog post in the same week, but something occurred to me recently and I feel this incessant need to pour it out before I forget about it for good.

This is all very much my own opinion so we can agree to disagree if necessary.

I've pretty much lived in Malaysia and Singapore my whole life so in a way, I can say that I know these two countries' cultures very well (and also mainly because there's not much difference) but if you're an outsider who has never been to these places, I doubt you have heard of these term called "Singlish" or "Manglish". What they are basically is English combined with the local languages and forming a slang that everyone uses out of convenience. Just to clarify, schools don't actually teach these slangs, we just somehow know it.

Recently, I've been volunteering at the Manchester International Festival and I've been meeting a whole range of interesting people that say some of the nicest things when I tell them that I'm from Malaysia.

Just today I was speaking to this lady who is studying English but instead of learning about the actual language, part of her coursework was to explore how far English has travelled over the past few centuries and how much the language has evolved. It was a pleasant conversation and all, until she mentioned Singlish and instantly, I was like "Yay you know Singlish! But oh shit that's not good."

There are many reasons as to why I say this because number 1, Singlish, in my opinion, is a disgrace to English itself. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but Singlish is mostly broken up English with possibly the worst grammar ever, plus an added expression at the end of each sentence which has no proper explanation for its existence whatsoever. And number 2, I can't possibly be the only one who feels this, but I am so embarrassed when a white friend (or anyone unfamiliar to the language for that matter) has to listen to Singlish and try to decipher what it means. It makes me cringe so much when my brother accidentally says something to my dad in Singlish because my dad usually looks back with utter disappointment that his kids don't take after him. Anyway, it's just extremely unflattering.

But what really surprised me the most was that this lady said that as a country whose native language isn't English, we should be proud that we've managed to put a stamp on it and make Singlish truly unique to call it our own. With English being the international language that everyone all around the world must learn in order to communicate, it's easy to forget or neglect our mother tongue, which could be either Mandarin, Malay or Tamil. And I've seen so many locals in Malaysia and Singapore, who can't speak their mother tongue because they've spent their whole lives under the influence of English and nothing else. It's a shame, really. On one hand, English is a necessity but on the other, we're slowly losing touch with our roots. I remember a time where I was so angry at the fact that English has taken over the world because even my grandparents, who are close to being 90, are trying so hard to learn simple English sentences when we, the younger generation, should in fact be the ones who are learning our native dialect to make communicating with them easier.

I have to say though, even after coming here, I still can't get rid of the Singlish in me and I don't want to either. Whenever I go home or even when I'm chatting to my friends back home, all the la's and leh's just spill out like beans in a beanbag. I mean, even when I'm skyping with my mom, if I speak proper English, she'll do the same, and five minutes into the conversation, we'll both burst into giggles because we can't take each other seriously. Last year during Christmas, I met up with a couple of friends and they asked me how I managed to not get rid of Singlish or why my accent didn't change. And the minute I tried to speak without Singlish, I just couldn't do it at all. It was so odd.

But my point is, I know it's not just me, but a lot of people who leave Singapore or Malaysia to go abroad to some white country to study, will tend to feel embarrassed about their weird and uncommon Singaporean accent and will hence try to imitate other accents to fit in. I've seen it happen so many times especially when my friends or teachers meet my dad on Parent's Day. Honestly, you don't have to do that. Sure, it would be helpful to take out the unnecessary swear words every now and then but there's really nothing to feel embarrassed about. The lady I spoke to was a prime example of how white people can be just as fascinated with Singlish as we are with their thousands of accents.

My dad absolutely hated Singlish but that all changed when he saw Kumar perform and he now thinks Singlish can be equally or if not funnier than just plain old English. You know how comedians always swear just to make a joke funnier? It works the same with Asians, you can't tell a joke unless you include the phrase CCB, which in my grandparent's dialect means smelly vagina.

(But don't ever go up to an elderly in Asia to say that unless you want their whole family coming after you with feather dusters and wooden canes ready to beat the shit out of you)

The Luckiest Person I Know

With all that’s been happening right now, several people have came up to me and told me how lucky I am to have a place of my own. Apparently, the average age to be living in a house of your own is thirty-two and I am not even twenty. When I learned about this scary fact, I can assure you that I didn’t feel good about it at all mainly because I feel like I cheated. 

Yes, half of this entire experience feels like I'm cheating my way up in the world. 

Call me crazy but I actually want to live in rented house, paying the landlord every month with the money that I earned on my own. Call me insane but I don’t enjoy it when people give me expensive gifts. I don’t bask in branded goods like other wealthy kids because although I grew up in a well-to-do family, I was always raised to be prudent. Therefore, when my parents told me that I was going to be living in a brand new apartment, I cringed because this luxury was something that I didn’t deserve.

I am an ordinary person, like everyone else, trying to get a degree to better increase my employability in the future, so that one day, I too can buy a house of my own without feeling guilty whatsoever. There are also billions of other people with the same purpose and what makes me so different from them that I get a house and they don’t?

When I told my parents about how I felt, they coolly replied, “this is not about buying you a place because we think you earned it,” which I think really helped me gain a new perspective.

This isn’t about me because I’m just like everyone else, so when people tell me how lucky I am, I just have to say it’s because of my parents.

With that being the best answer I can give, I don’t like it very much because it makes me sound like a stuck-up. I don’t want to be that person that grows up to be successful because of my parents. Yes, I have always had their financial support but I don’t want that to be the only reason I have what I have. Although their money plays a crucial part in getting me where I am today, I’d like to think that I have worked hard too.

Sometimes I look at the Kardashians and I think, well they’re only famous and rich because of their family, which I now realise is a terrible accusation because I don’t know or see how hard Kendall Jenner has worked to be a stick-thin model. Perhaps her success can be credited to her family, but she deserves credit too for seizing that opportunity by using her family’s wealth.

I guess I could relate to a small extent. Sure, without my parent’s help, I would never dream of being here. But because I know there are opportunities thanks to them, I can take the chance and do something useful with my life. I mean, wouldn’t it be a pity if your parents were millionaires and you just sat at home all day wasting your life away?

And about being lucky, yes I am very lucky indeed and so is everyone else. Just because I am lucky doesn’t mean my life is any better than everyone else's. I’d like to believe that we’re all lucky human beings and we all have luck in different things. I have a great life, but I also lack in other things too, like luck in getting a job. Maybe you don’t have a place of your own, but you have tons of friends. Maybe you only have a few friends but those friendships are irreplaceable and they are the best things that has ever happened to you. See, luck changes for everyone. And what really matters is that you’re able to realise the luck you have and treasure it even more.

I thank my lucky stars everyday that I come from a family that provides me with ample of opportunities. I don’t know how long this chain of luck is going to last, but I’m sure that when it stops, I’ll be ready to work hard enough so that I won’t ever need it again.